Work/Life Balance? Not as an immigrant.

I am a day late with my #SriLankanSaturday post...forgive me.

I saw a post pop up* about an executive who left Pimco at the peak of his career and someone had requoted "no one walks away from money" and celebrated it. For those who don't read the article - the summary about Mohamed El-Erian is that he was a very successful executive at Pimco reporting to Bill Gross in the bond heyday. A quick search turned up that in the year before he left Pimco, Mohamed made $230 million.**

Mohamed supposedly handed in his resignation to Bill due to his daughter writing him a letter about all the life events he had missed in her life. School events, parent nights, soccer, etc. Bill had initially refused to believe it saying "no one walks away from money".

This post has gotten thousands of likes and tens of comments all with the general idea of celebrating that value of putting your family first above money.

I hate simple ideas/articles like this. It misses the nuances that most other people are living through.

Now listen - I hear the sentiment behind this post - and I agree. In today's day and age in western civilization - as we understand the importance of raising a family with strong values, great self-confidence, and the ability to pursue their passions. Much of that is enhanced when we are present at home.

I'm seeing that more and more in our household. The bonds with my kids are stronger because of our morning bike rides and evening cuddles. My kids come to the track with me in the morning and train because I'm there taking them - not because they would choose that on their own in the morning. The list goes on and on.

The reason that I dislike this post is quite simple. It misses 2 important nuances that affect many of us (and I would wager immigrants disproportionately so). In order to be able to pull that off and actually leave your job to focus on your family - you need to get around these two points.

Point 1: This idea only works when you have enough money to stop working.

Mohamed was far and away one of the top income earners in the country (arguably the world though I can't quite prove that statement). A single year's income of 230 million USD even after tax is going to be more than majority of people will earn in their life.

So sure - it's easy to look at that and like it and say "awesome - family first" while ignoring the fact that most people will need to go back to needing to work to pay the bills, pay for rent/mortgage, pay for clothes and activities for your kids (to raise them to the standards you hold yourself and them to).

For many of our parents who came here as immigrants - that's not even within the realm of possible.

My family has stories of working in gas stations, or as dishwashers, or in bakeries to get their first leg up. Those jobs require odd or long hours with standard or close to minimum wage compensation. When my family got started here they worked whatever they could to come up within the system. Money HAD to be placed over family to some degree. Without the money - the family would starve. It was about making enough to put food on the table.

I've met small businesses where the owner works as one of cleaners in office buildings late at night. I know someone who chose to give up his chemist job from abroad because he couldn't get hired with enough income here and instead because a long haul truck driver because it paid better. He's on the road away from home 3-4 nights a week.

I remember an uncle in Sri Lanka who left his pregnant wife with his family (her in laws) to take a 6 month job in another country. He had to in order to make better money. With job scarcity - you don't say no. You say yes, you take the job, and you make the money.

You need money to survive. It's not a choice they make willingly but they are doing the right thing for their families the only way they know how.

For immigrants (and perhaps others) - it's not just about money to survive. It's money to give your kids a better leg up. I remember my dad once saying when I joked about how cool it would be to get into Harvard but also - would be ridiculously expensive - he looked me in the eye and said "if you get in - we will find a way to make it happen. You just focus on getting in." (Spoiler alert - I did not go to Harvard lol).

My parents found ways to pay for everything my brothers and I did from competitive soccer to track & field to driving us to math & chess competitions on the weekends.

And yet - my dad will still in moments of reflection wonder what would have/could have happened if he had made more money or found ways to get us involved in things earlier in our lives. (Dad if you ever read this - you guys did great. I respect how much you did with so little).

The embedded culture for many Sri Lankans is that more money is good. Not "just" as a scoreboard but for the things it's buys your family. Sports, education, tutoring, etc.

But...it's also still a scoreboard. Which brings me to my second point.

For many Sri Lankan's - the money and the career are points of pride. Choosing to actively give some of that up is frowned upon.

If you are an immigrant raise your hand if you have ever heard something along these lines:

"We didn't work that hard and come all this way just for you to ...(Insert dumb mistake you made / screwing up in school / thinking about choosing a career path that wasn't very prestigious)."

Growing up - the goal was:

Work hard at school to be the best. Be the best in school to get into the best universities and into the most challenging/prestigious programs. Get into those programs to succeed to pursue the most prestigious/high paying careers.

That's it.

The goals up until that point never included "find purpose, have meaning, love what you do, pursue your true strengths".

Now - I'm not frowning on that. I think that was the culture and it was a proven path to success. Additionally we need to reflect on what our parents left behind. War torn countries, racism, poverty, and literal death was where they came from. The opportunity to work inside of a meritocracy that would reward you for hard work WAS THE DREAM.

I don't blame my parents at all for these lessons. In fact - I celebrate them. That drive is what has me out here trying hard and writing. So I am thankful for it.

BUT - when that is the goal - career, prestige, and money - choosing another path is uncomfortable. If you've chosen a lower income career path for better work/life balance, or maybe you've taken a step back from work to focus on the family - the below conversations might be tough.

If family conversation is dominated by "how is work, what are you up to?" and it's filled with stories of promotions and working hard - it's intensely uncomfortable to say "I'm taking a step back".

When your family swaps stories that sound like:

"Do you remember ________? Well they just became a partner at their law firm. They have a massive corner office and bought a big house in (Rich city suburb)" it leaves you feeling a bit of uncertainty and shame. Especially when you wonder what your parents may say about you in return. It might have you being defensive and not wanting to contribute to the conversation because what could you possibly add?

These little influences trick us into desiring that next promotion or next big raise. They convince us that we need the bigger house, or we need to keep grinding and investing (ex. buying a couple rental properties).

Again - I'm not trying to place blame or say that it's wrong. when viewed in the context of what our parents grew up with - it's totally reasonable.

But if we have goals that move beyond money and career. If we want to pursue meaning in our lives, or focus on things like our family that bring us joy - then we need to be able to acknowledge and address those two nuances.

1) We need to find our "enough". We need to figure out how much money allows us to achieve financial independence. Enough that "needing" to chase a certain career or grind for that next dollar doesn't need to be a thing. That - is where good financial planning can help.

2) We need to undo our own mental wiring. We need to detach our purpose and sense of self from money/career/prestige. We also need to admit that not everyone will be like that. We will have family and friends who don't see it that way. We have to be ok with that. Especially when THEY bring up money/career as the comparative scoreboard. We need to be comfortable openly saying "that's not something I'm interested in."

It's not comfortable. It's not easy.

But on the other side the rewards are so much more fulfilling.

If you have an experience like this or an insight to share (or if you disagree) please shoot me a DM or leave a comment below!

*https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/josephcass_mohamed-el-erian-left-one-of-the-most-prestigious-activity-7224036756294168577-hHqG?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

**https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2014/11/pimcos-obscene-payouts.html