Working while sleep-deprived

If you'll ever meet my mom, you’d inevitably hear several stories about me as a kid: how impressed was everyone of my green and curious eyes, how artsy I turned out to be (having 2 very good mechanical engineers as parents) and how energetic I was, to the terror of however was in charge to take care of me.

Giving my diverse and multiple range of activities that I am constantly part of (old habits die hard or they never die), one story that my mom loves to tell is the one with me at age 3-4, waking her up at sunrise. 5 or 6 AM, daily.

“I was telling you daily <<C’mon, Cristinel [my family’s nickname for me], it’s 5 in the morning, please let me sleep...>> and you would say <<No. I’m ready to play.>>”

And my poor mom just had to take out my toys or papers and pencils for me to draw and secretly hope that I get just too absorbed in my playing that she can nap because I won’t notice her. I don’t remember much, but I have photographs to prove these kind of stories. The word ADHD was never mentioned - all kids are energetic and either have little to no focus or are just very into what they do, right? Well, I don’t know. I don’t have data to back any answer I might give (rarely I don't do my homework).

What I do know now is that that energy might have been a sign of my bipolar disorder. Because after those spans of energy, I would get really quiet. No activities, no energy, no curiosity. No play.

I’m always ready to play. Projects, learning, painting, studying, you name it. I play mostly with work (my first source of happiness). But playing is a serious thing - it’s fun, yes, but it can also hurt you. And/or others. The recovery isn’t nice - it’s not a vacation. It’s a time when you’re gluing together pieces of yourself, telling yourself you won’t play that hard anymore. But you never listen to yourself.

It’s not a coincidence that I’m writing this now.

On Fridays I have my therapy sessions and last week I was overly enthusiastic. I started with “only good things happened this week.” Then I made a pause, slowed down and said “Ok, breathe. I don’t want to jinx it”. Going through my items, I had noticed that I still have mood swings from week to week. They are not that noticeable, nor that intense like before, but they still are there and influence every aspect of my life - from brushing my teeth to answering messages from friends, from work related things to weight fluctuation, sleep and eating patterns.

I’m on Lithium for +/- 8 months now, doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for 1 year and a half, did Light Therapy for 14 days (the standard is 5), did additional therapy sessions at GGzE, participated in 2 courses regarding bipolar and mood grips. Tried to apply as many things as I could from all of these - and it’s still extremely hard for me to keep up with life in general. Most of the days I’m depressed and hypomanic in the same time, and I can’t even explain how this works. I’m telling myself that my mood is stable most of time - which is not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. I’m not buying randomly plane tickets anymore, but I won’t hesitate either if it wasn’t for the pandemic (or I'd have the money). I'm happy and proud that I also don't spend any money on alcohol anymore (I partied a bit too much between 2008 - 2018). Everything just takes a lot of self control and it drains constantly my energy. There's a lot to heal within myself to just blame a lack of willpower.

If you are struggling with anything right now - please know that it is 100% okay.

Here are few things that I tried and helped me daily for more than 3 months now:

• Eating breakfast with no electronics around.
• Reading (a lot) as first activity in the morning. You can choose whatever makes your soul happy.
• Morning Pages (and never look behind).
• Daily Affirmations. The best is to write them down. I either do this as the full last page of Morning Pages or placing sticky notes around the desk.
• Walking. Unlike biking or taking the bus, walking makes me more aware of everything, from my thoughts, body movements, things happening on the street.
• Positive thinking. I am actually surprised - in a good way - by how optimistic I am since the beginning of the year.
• Set a daily intention. Identify your values and live them. This one helps me mostly in losing weight (or used to).
• Saving. I have a combo of (1) a saving ”diet” of not spending any money at least 7 days/month + (2) saving cash 4-5 times/month, using white envelopes numbered from 1eur to 50eur and choosing randomly 2 of them every Wednesday and (3) having an unwritten ?pact” with my parents, whenever they want/need to send me money (which is happening rarely and with small amounts), I only want 50% of the amount and the rest will go into a savings account at the end of 2021.
• Taking care of plants. Yep, it sounds stupid a bit, but having to water 13 plants few times a week actually improved my mental health. I named almost all my plants (Madagascar and Hedgehog are among the first members of the house - beginning of 2020) and I know that it's recommended to talk with them, so that's what I do. :D
• Tracking the habits. Seeing a month full of marked Xs does bring you a feeling of accomplishment and pride.

For the past 12 months, I’ve slept 6 hours and 12 minutes per night, on average (even when I was on sleeping pills, May - July 2020). I managed to sleep for 9 hours only twice, and never 8 or close to 8 (max I could do was 6h 54’, min around 4h 10’). I'm pleasantly surprised that my work is good (as I've heard), but I know I can do even (much) better. As said before, I’ve somehow never been friends with sleep, but on Sunday I truly and completely felt sleep-deprived. For the past 2 nights, I managed to get 7 full hours of sleep, and last night I even got 2 hours of Deep Sleep. I am wondering if this is a case of "if you wish something enough, it will happen".

They say the bipolar disorder is really just an energy disorder. I’m still analyzing this affirmation as we all have our own version of truth - I’m still trying to find mine.

How many hours are you working and how many hours do you sleep? Do you notice a correlation between the amount of sleep and performance at work (or in general, on a daily basis)? If you don't want to leave a public comment, you can always send me a private message with your thoughts.

P.S.: Sleeping for 8h/night is not mandatory, and there are people who can sleep only 4h/night for many years and feel ok. When I am saying ”working while sleep-deprived” means that I am sleep deprived in comparation with what my body and mind need.