Working through Grief

So many of us are of the age where grief and grieving become a part of our work experience. Another phase of life is setting in as we enter the last 10 or 15 years of work life. Our parents once aging are now leaving us and we have to continue, to move through the grief and continue to work at a high level job, still being effective and efficient and compartmentalizing our life so we can work and grieve separately. This challenge can become overwhelming.

We all know there are stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and we don't all go through these stages but we still have to work our way to acceptance. What makes this such a challenge for us, at our age (over 50), is that in grieving the loss of our parents we are also faced with our own mortality. It serves as a reminder that our time is limited, "borrowed" and we have less time to achieve our goals. This is where we can get lost in the process of grief. We begin thinking about all the time we have spent working on "things", to what avail? We begin questioning our purpose and this can be a good thing. Knowing we cannot wait any longer to make a difference. We must take the time to reassess and reset but the problem is, we have to work, we have to bring in income. So, how do we work through grief? I have two suggestions.

First, when someone says "I am sorry for your loss," hear them, accept it and let all the feelings come in - no matter how hard, how embarassing, how personal - no one truly understands your grief as your relationship with your Mother or Father was yours but they can see it in how you respond. This has been difficult for me as I am a very private person and my Mother was 98. How do you grieve a life - long lived. Well, you do, I still want to call her and ask her opinion, tell her a funny story, or just hear her voice. She was truly my counterbalance and I miss her. I will miss her and my Father for the rest of my life and I know that, I just have to become comfortable with the new normal. So, when someone says that to me, sometimes the tears flow and well, I just have to let them. In time, I know it will lessen and I have to be okay with people seeing my heart. This gives those showing sympathy insight into my daily struggle and how much I cared for my loved one.

Second, take the time to grieve. I have given myself permission to stop working early when I just can't focus, or when I feel overwhelmed. I just stop. I know this isn't always possible for everyone, depending on your job. My poor sister, a partner in an accounting firm, had only three weeks to finish all the tax prep work and make up for the full week off. I know it must have been a good distraction from the grief but I also know just how exhausting it can be to work through grief. So, if its not possible for you, you have to at least give yourself that fully focused half-hour lunch or phone call from your crazy sister trying to make you laugh. Then, when you can, ask your boss or partners for the extra time - maybe come in an hour later each morning for as long as it takes - seriously, it is important to cut yourself some slack and take the time to grieve. You also have worked hard all your life, so ask for the time you need.

Then when you begin to feel your sea legs back under you - start the process of reflection. What is it you want to leave this world - how do you want your remaining time to look? Its funny, but as I get older I recognize that what matters most are the people I choose to be around. Taking more time to enjoy dinner, a walk, or just laughter - this is what matters. I am still walking and working through this grief but feeling better each day.