Working Through Grief, 90 Day Update

A few months ago I lost my Father unexpectedly to a stroke. This came after my Mother’s passing just 18 months earlier. Losing the unconditional love of my parents was devastating, and sent me on a disorienting journey of intense sadness and unwanted responsibility.

I previously wrote about my difficultly transitioning back to work. My emotions were raw and unpredictable. Now, a few months out, grief is still a constant presence, but not one that’s always intrusive.

Here are a few strategies that I have found for working through grief.

My own version of self care

Every morning I allow myself to think about my parents. I look at their wedding picture in my office as I water my plants. I touch the casket medallions - one that says Mom and one that says Dad - sitting on my desk. I take a deep breath before turning on my computer to ground myself in what’s important.

I’ve stayed true to my word and upheld better boundaries at work. I prioritize my flow state over meetings I can skip. I turn off notifications to curb the distractions. I empower my team more by asking myself “what’s the least I can do?” before jumping in to help.

During crucial moments when I wish I could turn to my Dad for advice, I write the situation down on paper. Then I try to read it as my Dad would and respond to it on his terms. It’s been amazing to find out how clearly I can still hear his voice.

When my nerves are getting the best of me, I close my eyes and see my parents’ faces beaming back at me. I feel their encouragement and how proud they’d be, and use their confidence in me as a proxy for my own.

When things get overwhelming, I have found that talking to my parents helps. I visit them at the cemetery, take a seat, and just let it all out. It’s a cathartic release that leaves me feeling refreshed, like walking out of the gym after a hard workout.

Leading by example

At first I felt embarrassed by my vulnerability. I—laughably—tried to compartmentalize my grief to hours outside of the workday. But then I thought about how I would respond to someone else in my position. Wouldn’t I show compassion, give grace, and encourage them to take care of themselves?

If I’m not going to normalize mental health in the workplace, how can I expect others to?

So now I leave loudly. I announce what’s happening to my coworkers. I let people know I’m stepping away for a bit. I tell my boss I’ll be unreachable while I go visit my parents.

And you know what? Just as the mental health professionals advertise, everyone around me is supportive. No one cares if I miss a meeting, silence my phone, or take off for an hour or two. They respond with kindness and no judgment at all.

I know that I am lucky to be in a position where I can manage my own time at work. If you’re not able to just do it, my advice is to ask for what you need. If you’re valued, they will accommodate ??

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I have been humbled by all of the supportive and uplifting responses from friends, coworkers, and digital strangers to me sharing my journey. Thank you!