Working in the 'system'

I recently enjoyed my friend Zoe Nicholson’s post on Medium, in which she writes about asking oneself the question “Who do I choose to be today?”.

Before you decide I have succumbed to hippydom, I want to point out that, for me, and I suspect for Zoe, all ‘business’ and ‘management’ and ‘leadership’ happens through the conversations we have.

For me, leading is the act of conversing – so it really matters what kinds of conversations we have. Therefore, building on Zoe’s question, I find it useful to ask myself another, related one: “What kind of conversations do I choose to have today?”.

I like the idea of ‘generative’ conversations – where we produce something valuable as leaders and managers. But how do we actually have these generative conversations – what do we actually need to do? What behaviour can we change, in ourselves?

Well, a first step is listening. As has been said many times before, we have two ears and one mouth. Maybe we are meant to use them in that proportion? Put very simply, that means being silent for twice as long as we are speaking!

How often do I get this ratio (two ears, one mouth) right?

Giving time to listening is one thing. Actually hearing what another person said is different again. One simple way to improve one's listening is to try playing back what you heard – not parrot fashion, but by summarising and playing back the meaning. Often this reveals gaps in one's understanding. Try not to treat this as an embarrassment, but rather as a good thing – because then we have the opportunity to repair those gaps, by clarifying.

(If I want to actually improve at this, by changing my behaviour, there are specific questions I can ask to raise my awareness – but rather than put them here, and after each point, I will group them at the end of the post).

One of the things that gets in the way of actually hearing what another person says is our own emotional state. Particularly when someone says something that ‘triggers’ us, and we step into a habitual role. If that happens, we may rapidly lose the ability to understand the other person. Our roles affect our filters, and these, of course, affect what we see and hear.

An example of this is when someone says something that we disagree with. When that happens to me I instinctively shut down a little.

As organisational theorist Chris Argyris reputedly said “We don't listen, we reload” – often we are so busy getting our riposte ready that we forget to hear what is actually being said. Or perhaps we just ‘close our ears’, in the way we close our eyes, when we see something that scares us, or we don't like.

All this is compounded by not paying sufficient attention to what I am feeling, or what the other person is feeling. One way to mitigate that is to remember to go slowly. To slow down, try taking a breath before replying. ‘Ground’ yourself physically – feel the floor beneath you, or the chair supporting you. Take the time to notice your breathing.

Making eye contact helps too – if we look at another person we have access to more of the non-verbal information they are always offering. This can be helpful in understanding another person's emotional state.

Both slowing down and making eye contact help improve communication. But they may feel strange, if we are not used to them. And our conversational partner may find them strange too. So use them carefully, one step at a time – a little can go a long way.

There are many other things to try: notice your attachment to your own ideas. Try surrendering to the other person's, at least temporarily. Maybe, just maybe, there is something useful in what they are saying?

A good way to explore that is to search amongst everything the other person says for something you can agree on – rather than seeking out the things with which you disagree. (That's a lot easier if you heard them in the first place!)

It's not just listening, we have to speak too!

Of course, conversation isn't all about listening. So how can I choose from all the things I might say? One way is to try to be constructive – or generative – say something that you think will add, not take away. Something that builds on what has been said.

The other thing I find helps is to let my body help me decide what to say. That may sound rather strange. What I mean is letting go a little and letting whatever emerges emerge. To do this I need to trust my feelings and instincts – my heart and my guts. That's much easier if I am grounded and centred, and if I am aware of what is going on in my body, not just my head.

If I do all the above – and if I also avoid analysing other people (or myself); if I notice the judgements and labels I put on other people; if I keep my attention in the present, rather than the past or future – then all these may lead me to have a better conversation.

And those are the kinds of conversations I'll choose to have today. It is definitely not easy! But I will try.

Changing behaviour

Zoe’s post is on Medium here: https://medium.com/meaning-conference/heading-who-do-we-choose-to-be-1dc7b2b71918

And here are some of the questions I can ask myself to raise awareness of how I behave:

• How often do I get this ratio (two ears, one mouth) right?
• How often can I accurately reflect back what was meant?
• How often do I ask for clarity?
• How often do I notice when I’m shutting down?
• How often am I thinking about what I’m going to say next, instead of listening?
• How often do I ‘ground’ myself?
• Am I aware of my breathing?
• How much of the time when I am with another person do I actually make eye contact?
• How many things can I find in what another person said that I agree with?
• How often do I say something that builds on what another person says, rather than heading off in my own direction?
• How often do I consciously move my attention from my head to my body?
• How often do I let my body decide what I will say?

Image – detail from Linseed Field by Felise Dumas – I chose this image for the sense of lightness it conjures – reminding me of the lightness I would like to bring into my conversations.