WORKING PARENTS - guilt and resentment

Working full-time and being a parent creates a dilemma for many mums and dads.

They're trying to balance the need to feel significant in the workplace and have professional fulfillment; whilst making enough money to support their family's lifestyle, and to enjoy that lifestyle and have 'enough' time for their children.

Who knows what 'enough' time is anyway?

Realising what matters most

The focus needs to be upon the emotional connection between parent and child regardless of the hours spent in each other's company.

For the working parents who care about the feelings and needs of their child(ren) may come the guilt of both not spending enough time with them, and of someone else witnessing their child(ren)'s milestones and achievements instead. This is vital parenting time that can never be replaced or substituted.

Admittedly some parents don't feel any guilt at all from being at work instead of with their children. Some have made a 'trade-off' deal – promising to make time 'later'... one day... in the future.

A child doesn't understand this deal, or why their parent can't, or won't, be with them. They imagine they are not worth the parent's time - and the substitute TV, toys and treats aren't enjoyed without sharing the experience with their parents (or other primary care-givers).

Sibling rivalry in a new form

Without realising it many working parents can evoke feelings of resentment, jealousy, sadness and anger in their children – who feel insignificant compared to the incomprehensible 'work' that takes up their parent's time and energy. Your work could evoke a form of 'sibling rivalry' in your child's mind.

There is no substitute for being emotionally available and attuned to the needs of a child - which actually 'wires' their brain accordingly. By giving them your focused attention, gentle challenges, clear and fair boundaries and unconditional love you are teaching them how to be a good parent themselves one day.

By staying 'tuned into' and meeting their physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs in their early years you are setting their template for continuing to provide these for themselves - as they grow and become more able to do so.

What mind associations are being formed?

We all make 'associations' and short-cuts in our mind (our own system of energy and information exchange). Our children are doing this too. They will make an emotional link to your absence and lack of attention and presence.

Likewise they will make links and memories when they felt good being with you – having fun when you were playing with them at their level, and encouraging them to explore and try new things (which in turn raises their self-esteem). 

Children remember how they felt when their parents weren't at the school play, sports day, or awards assembly. They may be old enough to understand at a cognitive level that their parents are busy at work – but it's the emotional level that makes the deepest impression. They need to see the glow of pride and hear and feel the praise of their parent in that moment.

Having a child-minder there instead just doesn't cut it, and grandparents can be a diluted substitute – unless they are parenting the child much of the time. A child needs and wants its 'Primary Attachment Person' (or PAP) there!

All parents should be aware of this and make their children's memories and associations good ones.

If you are feeling the guilt of being a working parent then it might help you to ask yourself:-

What did you experience as a child related to your parent's work and the time they spent with you?

What do you want your own children to feel about you and your time together?

This is not intended to 'guilt-trip' you at all. It's simply to highlight the reasons and consequences of your decision to be a working parent – which may be based upon family patterns and financial needs, rather than personal desire.

Having spoken very recently with a working mum who was struggling to make a decision whether to continue working (albeit part time in her case) or to be a stay-at-home mum, it became apparent after my enquiries that the real source of her dilemma and discomfort was the messages she had received as a child from both her working mother and grandmother. Not to be a working mum herself felt like a betrayal of all they had to do to get by years ago. What swung her decision was that she didn't want her own daughter to feel like she had done years ago when her own mother wasn't available because she was busy working.

When she realised the depth of her quandary she was then able to see that she didn't have to repeat history – especially as she and her partner could afford for her not to have to work.

It's always wise to check out the extent to which your own childhood and later experiences shape the way in which you parent your child.

There is no clear and definitive answer. Some parents feel guilty others don't. The most important consideration is what is best for the child.

Having a parent at home who is unhappy and struggling to pay the bills is not the answer either.

What to do...

• If you choose, or need, to go to work then you must consider your reasons, and whether they are entirely practical (money-based) or emotional (self-esteem, identity, status) driven.

• If it's entirely due to money could you find another way to make some money and free up some time to spend with your child(ren).(e.g. Take in a lodger or student, rent out storage space in your loft, garage or shed). What unnecessary expenses could you cut out?

• Think about what your time together will mean to your child(ren) and the link/association they're making in their developing brain about you and their feelings about you. Attend as many school events with them as you possibly can. They need to see you there!

• Make the most of 20minute slots of time (whether you are working or not) – to read to them and hear them read; ask them open-ended questions and be genuinely interested in their day and feelings, and encourage them to name and share these with you. Co-create their emotional intelligence.

• Keep your weekends and holidays sacred. Only use your laptop or mobile for work when the children are in bed.

• Ensure family time is 'special' – play, laugh, be silly, yet still keep in place your family boundaries of safety, respect and privacy.

It's not about you and your ego, stress, deadlines or preferences. What matters most is their one and only childhood and the decisions they are making about themselves, and what they can expect from life in the future, based upon your interactions with them now.

It's also not about the amount of time as much as the quality of the time you spend with them – and work must always come second to that.There's then nothing to feel guilty about – you are doing your best and that is good enough.

No-one gets it 100% right and the best we can do is to become aware of how our thinking patterns, emotional expression, language and behaviour impact and affect other people – especially those little people who rely upon us to guide them into becoming the adults and parents of the future – with their own decisions to make.

To help you to stay on track with your parenting and be the best parent you can be, then you might find my online self-help course useful. Here's a link to find out more 

Maxine Harley (MSc Psychotherapy)

www.maxineharley.com

www.psychotherapy-sussex.co.uk

www.the-ripple-effect.co.uk

www.qpp.uk.com

www.higher-resonant-frequency.co.uk