A working parent wants to know - was it enough?

On a particularly chilly day in 2003, he arrived. As every new parent I hoped for a spectacular life for this little human that chose me. The road to his arrival was a long and tricky one ending in a harrowing emergency C Section that saved his life. Soon after I became a single parent of this little miracle and for a long time, it was just him, me……and my career.

Not only did I need to provide for my little family, but my career has always driven me to find purpose in life that advances humanity…..and the greater good. I’ve been fortunate to work for value driven organizations supporting cultures and leaders while travelling and leading accomplished teams. I have always enjoyed my work, and have met the best people along the way. There are too many stories to mention, but some reading this are part of that history – and I thank you.

Soon, my little miracle will be heading off for his first year of college.

You’ve heard all the clichés - it goes by in a flash, the days are long and the years are short, they grow up so fast. As a working parent, I wonder – did I do enough to help him get ready for this next step?

I missed gymnastics meets, violin practices, concerts, parent/teacher conferences, sleepovers, movie nights, XC meets you name it…..because I worked. I got the occasional eyebrow raise from other parents at times, opted to donate supplies to the classroom instead of my time and got exceptionally good at arranging complex and multi-faceted carpools.

Now, at the beginning of this new phase of life, I’d do anything to trade a day in that airport to hear his screeching violin. But I can’t. What I can do is be a leader that creates a culture where it’s ok to miss that meeting to hear that violin.

My son and I have always been very close. He’s warm and engaging with a good head on his shoulders, organized, capable and smart. And very funny. I will miss his laughter in the house. So I asked him the question I’ve been pondering now for years; “Do you wish I was one of those moms that always showed up in the classroom instead of the mom that was on a plane or in a meeting? Was it enough?”

In true teenage fashion he rolled his eyes, took a deep breath and let me have it. “Mom, I wouldn’t be me now if you hadn’t been you then…and now”. He saw my blank gaze and rolled his eyes again, this time with the sigh and head flip combo. Teenagers.

“Mom, first of all, you didn’t miss that much, and when you did, it was family that came to see me, and that was great for me to have my whole family around. I liked having them there, and I think they liked to see me, too”.

He continued, “When you travelled, I did miss you but it helped me to be resilient and independent. Plus you always brought back that awesome chocolate from Europe, you know the kind in the tin”. OK, fair.

“Plus we had Face Time and I loved trying to figure out the time difference.” He went on, “Did you know that your travel is what inspired me to learn another language? Because you shared that many of your work friends were multi lingual”. Yes, I guess I did say that, and he has so many French friends and I have no idea what they’re saying.

He continued, “Also, I was inspired to become a Bio major because of the companies you worked for. The science was always so fascinating, and I learned so much by listening to your phone calls with candidates on the way to practice. Remember those 'take your kid to work' days? I got to operate on melons, it was really cool.”

He kept going, “You would have been a great classroom mom, but you’re a career mom. What’s been really fun is seeing how much you like the people you’ve worked with. You’ve always had fun, even when you worked really hard. And you’re always laughing and helping people and they helped you too. It made me realize that work isn’t something to dread, but it can be a good thing. Your closest friends are work friends. I call all them auntie this or auntie that.”

Finally he asked, “So what can be wrong with that?”. He concluded, “I’ll be fine, and so will you. Can I use your car tonight? It’s raining and my tires are bald. See you later!”.

Before I could respond he grabbed my keys and off he went.

I suppose I already knew this, but hearing it out loud helped, and I felt a bit better. Until I walked into the dining room and saw the endless piles of stuff that was going to college with him and I promptly fell to pieces. He was ready to go in every way, and although I am so, so happy for him and proud of him, I can’t deny the feeling of loss and transition. But he's ready. It was enough.

I hear it gets easier, and there’s Face Time (and chocolate).

If you’re a parent or guardian going through this for the first, or last time, I truly wish you well. If you have a co-worker, employee, boss or friend that’s going through this, allow them a little grace as they learn to let go. If you’re lucky enough to be a leader of people, be the leader that encourages your team to hear the violin when they need to.