The Working Mum Dilemma

Today is Mother’s Day in Sweden and for the first time I get to celebrate that, for the past 10 months, I finally have my dream job title: MUM. Maybe that sounds controversial nowadays and I realise that many women my age dream of building a career and prioritise professional advancement. Nothing wrong with that. My only claim is that I feel a loss of visibility for women my age who dream of building a family and who, if given a chance, would prioritise staying home to take care of their children full-time. Guess what? We're out there.

Our generation has inherited debt and inflation, we have dealt with a pandemic and still hear repeated threats of a new World War. Most of us can't afford the things our parents could and, for most of us, affording to raise a family on a single income is quite a challenge – a rare luxury even. Parental leave policies around the world are vastly different, with the US being notorious for having no paid family leave act. On average, US women only take up to 10 weeks of unpaid maternity leave.

I'm grateful that I live in Sweden, where the paid parental leave is for up to 18 months, so I can take this time to just be "mum" full-time. I'm also grateful for the support of my employer during this time and for the warmth of my colleagues as I navigated early motherhood. But it's not enough.

Despite the many joys of my occupation as a professional, I won't be a hypocrite and write that I can't wait to get back to work. I feel the need for honest conversations around being a working mum. And all this I say with the utmost respect and appreciation for my employer. The reality is, no other job or company could've made it easier to think of leaving my child with strangers 75% of the week to go spend that time behind a screen. My professional milestones don't fill my heart the way being a mum and homemaker does, simple as that.

I know there's a level of "risk" in writing this. Will I sound ungrateful about the opportunities I've received? Will I offend women who are passionate about their careers? My husband even asked me whether it was very strategic to post this. I have no strategy; I have no ulterior motive, other than to open a conversation which I hope others will appreciate. Throughout these months, I've spoken with other mums who, behind closed doors, have admitted to sharing these same feelings. I'm talking about extremely successful career women, women I value and admire for their intellect and talents. They too resented not having a choice between prioritising family or career. They too felt pressure to keep up with society's expectations. They felt as if they simply had to project the image of a successful career woman. A happy working mum. "You can have it all." But can we really? At whose expense? Your own? Your family's?

I grew up in Argentina with a working mum, a very successful career woman. I used to love going to her office (to take supplies, because I was a nerdy kid who loved highlighters and post-its, and because I missed her). I spoke to her about her experience through the years, only to find out her biggest regret was not daring to stay home to look after my brother and I instead. After a short maternity leave, she had somehow managed to negotiate some flexibility in her schedule, to at least cut down on her working hours, but still suffered greatly at having to leave us to go work. During my childhood, I remember she would go to great measures to try to be there for us, despite her very demanding job. But it was not enough. Not for us and not for her either.

A former manager told me once that "business is a numbers game" and proceeded to explain in great detail the math of spending enough time making phone calls to guarantee a certain outcome in new sales opportunities. Life is also a numbers game. I believe time is our most precious and limited asset. Being employed means, in most cases, you're selling 56% of your non-sleeping time Monday-Friday (on a best-case scenario, working the standard 40-hour week with no extra hours). How long does it take to get ready for work? Make breakfast for yourself and your family? Commute if you work from an office? 2 hours every morning at best? How long to go back home, make dinner, eat, get your child ready for bed? 3 hours? Do you work out, meet friends, go shopping? How much quality time is left for your family? Do the math.

It's 2024 and we all become political activists to some extent as soon as we care enough about something. I see plenty of posts here discussing women being given fair opportunities, there's talks about equality vs equity, concern about pregnancy being a hinder to getting hired. It seems we all care a lot about women and mums being able to work. But why is no one questioning that the average mid-income family can't afford to not have both parents out of the home for around 75% of the working week? Who is really benefitting from this set-up? What about mums who would want to dedicate 100% of their time to their families?

Not everyone wants a family. Not everyone wants to stay home. I'm certainly not against women working, and I'm not against mothers working. If that's what they choose. I'm against the business and social model that takes away the option to choose. I'm against not having phases in life. Society in general has advanced tremendously in the name of women’s rights. Many battles have been fought to ensure women can go after their dream jobs and have the freedom of being who they want to be. Or so it would seem. But I ask you – are we not all following the same path? Are women truly free to choose or have we become slaves of a set-up that benefits from our lack of options? I would like to dedicate this phase of my life to my family. And dedicate the time to grow my other talents once my child is old enough to not need me as much.

If the rounds of layoffs since the pandemic have taught us anything is that most of us are either expendable or easily replaced. However, there's no one to replace a mother in a child's life. No way to have a do-over of their childhood and be there for them when they needed us. What we do for our families is unique and will shape the people they will become and what the next generation will look like. How can this not be a priority in our society any longer?

Who am I to be saying all this? No one. I’m not a politician, I’m not a philosopher, I’m not an influencer of any kind. I’m just a mum who loves her baby with her whole heart and is craving a change in the system. A system that currently determines it’s a higher priority to spend more time away from him, than being present for the big and small moments of his early childhood. Not only that, but we’re also expected to feel grateful and liberated from patriarchal oppression, while spending life away from home and paying taxes, so we can afford to leave our children with someone else, who will in turn get paid to spend 75% of their weeks with them. Sounds very pro-women indeed.

Is this about business? Is this about politics? I don't know. All I know is I have questions. Maybe me writing this won’t change anything, maybe no one will even read all this (if you are reading, thank you for your time, even if you don’t share my feelings) – but I read that when you have something to say, silence is a lie. So here it is.?

Happy Mother’s Day

?