Working Mother and Daughter

Preface: Shout-out to my husband who told me this all sounded too cerebral and that I had to put in more feelings before posting it.

I just listened to Morra Aarons-Mele 's most recent The Anxious Achiever podcast, When Work-Family Conflict Damages Mental Health.

The episode's recap begins with the earnest line, "I don't want to be a burden."

While the episode features fathers, and I am not a father, I am an admittedly lifelong codependent person, recently recovered workaholic, and long-time mother and daughter. I have had various experiences in the workplace that felt just like the guests described: Needing to take time to tend to family matters while still working.

Today, I am thankful for these instances of not wanting to feel "like a burden" because they have offered me great opportunity for growth—after a good amount of internal conflict. Here's more about why, and how.

Being a Mother

During the time of life when my kids were young (in the 90s and 2000s), after our second child was born my husband and I decided that he would stay at home with the kids. In this phase, I was definitely both a “Happy Workaholic” and “Conflicted Mom,” as described in Aarons-Mele’s podcast episode. My identity was very tied up in work, and I loved my kids.?

I was able to arrange working half-days on Fridays, and my husband worked on weekends. My half-day Fridays today would be called full days since I was working from work for half the day and working from home after I picked up the kids from school. I caught a good amount of shade from some people at work for getting what truly was an unusual amount of flexibility for the time, but I was still working well beyond full-time.

I was a Gen Xer living and working in a Boomer’s world—all well before the pandemic. Work was a very different place back then.

This was not an easy period for my husband and me in a lot of ways. My work was very demanding and I was gone, either physically or emotionally, and many times both, on most days. His work was also demanding—both in keeping to the kids’ schedule during the week and his own professional role at a mental health crisis center and later a hospital on the weekends.?

My husband and I both restructured our work time and did our careers, and co-parented, in different ways. Looking back, I can’t believe that we were able to make it through the many challenges, in terms of multiple priorities and relationship strains associated with days that looked very different from one another. We both struggled—separately and together. But that’s a different story.

I recall one time at work when I was away for an hour at the end of the day to attend my daughter’s Girl Scout outing at the ice rink.

One of my colleagues, a fellow mother, admonished me afterward to not draw attention to taking time off for things like this. I felt disappointed and let down by a person who I respected and was, I well knew, struggling with similar challenges. It had more to do with the person we were both working for, but it still stung.

Being a Daughter

Fast forward to more recent years, and I’ve had to juggle the process of caretaking for two aging parents with various tricky and terminal health issues. My mother had mental health challenges, and my father had heart and prostate issues.?

When I asked a previous employer for space and time to help with caretaking, it’s fair to say that things were not handled in a way that gave me a positive employee experience. My request came at a time when the organization had given support to others for similar requests. As stated in the Aarons-Mele podcast, leadership instructed me not to be a “burden” to others.?

My employer did end up granting my request for a very modest amount of time—so long as I completed all of the items that I would have finished while being at work. For context, I received this information in the waiting room at a hospital where my parent ended up being for five months.?I felt overwhelmed in every way.

I was sprinting and running a marathon, between work and personal responsibilities, and however I did it I had to keep going. So I just kept working anyway without “taking the time.” Why bother to “take” the time if I was not really taking the time? The message was clear, that I didn’t have any choice. My workplace’s handling of my situation greatly influenced my decision to seek out other options after a time.?

I was a perfectionist working for perfectionists, and I forgive all of us now for the things we said (and didn't say) and did (and didn't do).

For the short term anyway, my parent's mental health had to come before mine, so I would have to take time later. I spent a year doing art therapy and cognitive therapy with OhioHealth Hospice, and I've healed a lot since then.

Looking back and processing the latter situation with the benefit of time, here are a few observations:

• A lot of people would have done a better job negotiating for themselves. I did not have the time or energy to do that.
• A lot of other people would have quit work or have taken extended leave. That was not an option for me, but in a way, I guess it all worked out. My profession was a positive distraction from the challenges I was shepherding my parents through, and I continued to do high-quality and award-winning work that I and my employer could be proud of.?

And Now?

Would I have done anything differently in either of these situations? These are all past-tense places where I worked, but what would I do today?

Well, I do feel that I behaved in ways that were true to myself and took care of my family, but I was not always kind to myself in the process of doing well at work. I am getting better at that with time, and it is a gradual process.

This episode of The Anxious Achiever took me down memory lane. It was a bit of a gut punch about some things I had forgotten but need to remember. It's important to look back and see the progress we've made, and to look forward and know where our boundaries lie. I'd really encourage anyone to listen in if this topic speaks to you, too.