Working moms who feel guilty

Often times moms who work feel guilty?

Guilty when they are at home with the children that they might be missing out on work?

Or guilty when they are at work missing out on time with their families?

The guilt is exacerbated when someone points out:?

• that they might not be a good enough mom because they don’t spend enough time with their children? or?
• they might not be good enough employee because they spend too much time at home?

When they feel that guilt different moms have different strategies for action. And sometimes they cycle through these strategies throughout?

Strategy #1 (probably most common): They blame themselves. They think it’s their fault for not managing their time correctly. Or for wanting a career. Or for wanting to spend time with children. So they make the blame feel worse and worse. The violence is internal

Strategy #2 : They feel like giving up and running away from all of it. So they don’t have to try to do it all. By doing nothing and escaping they think all the problems will be gone. The reality is that this scenario would leave many bruises behind …??

Strategy #3: They start getting bitter toward others. Bitter towards the person who points out the “flaw” in them . Start attacking the other person. Creates violence and begets more violence?

Strategy #4: Take the high road and think everyone should just mind their own business. Because you know you do your best job and you stop listening to all the naysayers. You are the one with the power. This strategy works well short term but sometimes might leave some people who might feel unheard at times (e.g. a child who might really need their mom at an inappropriate “work time”)

So what’s a mom to do??

The most important thing is to make sure the needs of the mom are well understood and clarified by herself. Say that the mother feels best when she has a career. When she progresses. Or she feels best to contribute to the milestone of her children in all possible ways while only working short hours. We are all unique, we have different needs. And those needs change with time?

Once the needs are well understood, the mom has to internalize them. And accept herself for who she is at that moment in time. Not more, not less. It’s a hard process but if the mom feels that sacrifices one thing for the other (work for kids or kids for work) she will constantly feel bitter towards herself and no one will be happy in the process?

Once the needs are understood they have to be written down to serve as a reminder when guilt creeps in?

1. “I want to grow my career to serve my kids as an example later in life and also want to provide them with access to a better school. In the meantime, i can understand that I’m not always there. But I will make sure that I am on these key moments that I think are going to shape their lives”?

Or?

1. “I want to be with my kids at all times to soak all their moments. I don’t want to miss on any of their sports events. I want to only get a job that allows me the minimum income to make this appreciation possible “

Once the statement is complete, bring it back whenever someone comments in a way that we perceive as an attack.?

Remind yourself that whenever someone brings an “attack” it is likely not about you, but more likely about a reflection of their own needs

Here’s an example if a mom picks option A as her path?

Person: I can’t believe you don’t come to the Halloween parade, what kind of mom are you to miss key events in your son’s journey

Mom (in her own mind) : repeats to herself the statement that she has written down. She also reminds herself her own values, Halloween is not a critical event. Then reminds herself that the person in front of her, who is making the statement, is a lot more focused on their own needs. Then says out loud (with a curious tone, not a snarky one ??)?

“I'm sensing Halloween means a lot to you, do I have that right? Did it mean a lot to you as a child??

Aggression dissolved?

And here’s an example of a mom picks option B as her path?

Person: Look at this mom, she comes to every soccer game. She must not really do much outside of her children to contribute to the family financially?

Mom (in her own mind) : repeats the statement that she has written down. Then reminds herself that this person is really making a statement about something “THEY” care about deeply and then says out loud (with a curious tone, not a snarky one ??)?

“It sounds to me that equal financial contribution in a family matter a lot to you. Did your mom work when you were a child? “?