Working a Lot, Working Little

Here are two composite letters, one from a person who works 80 hours a week, the other who does little work. I offer a response to each. 

Dear Dr. Marty,

I’m 47 years old, at the peak of my career as a dermatologist, I’ve always worked long hours and assumed that was because I cared about making a difference while making money. But recently, amid the COVID lockdown, even though there’s little work that needs to be done because patients don’t want to come in unless it’s a must, I continue to make myself obsessively busy for nearly all my waking hours, down to polishing my car and resurfacing my deck, which didn’t even really need it. How do I gain clarity as to why I keep so busy and never just sit and relax, and whether to change?

Dear Busy,

Three possibilities come to mind:

-         Some psychotherapists would say you’re escaping. perhaps from a personal demon, relationships, fear of mortality or something else.

-         You’re afraid that you'd so enjoy slowing down that you’ll become a slug and never get back on the wagon. You could figure, “I’m not making that much difference anyway, so I might well play as much as possible.”

-         By nature and/or conditioning, some people value being productive, even if it’s just to polishing your car. And by ever staying busy, you'll have done more for your sphere of influence, probably made more money, and more likely to have stayed out of trouble.

Do any of those describe what's driving you? Perhaps you might gain clarity by trying this experiment: Do nothing productive for at least a half hour, maybe even a whole day if you can make yourself. During that time, take notes on what’s going through your head.

Dear Dr. Marty,

My spouse needs me to bring in some money but I can’t seem to make myself look for a job. I rationalize that my kids need me, but fact is, if anything, I’m micromanaging them, which could hurt them long-term. And my latest excuse is that, with the decline in good jobs caused by the COVID economic lockdown, who’d want a long-term unemployed stay-at-home parent? I would like to contribute income but I can’t seem to make myself do a serious job search. Can you help?

Dear Reticent,

Three possibilities come to mind:

-         Some psychotherapists would say that your reluctance comes from fear of failure or fear of rejection.

-         You prefer your life as-is. You’d lose freedom if you had to go to work

-         You’re correct that your kids are sufficiently better off with you home that it’s worth not looking for a job. And if you don’t have to go to work, perhaps you save on childcare, transportation, and clothing expenses, which if you also cut expenses a bit, you can keep the freedom and avoid a possibly difficult job search. Might your spouse accept that as valid or is s/he correct that you really do need to bring in more money?

Do any of those explanations resonate? If you’re unsure, would it help to journal about it, to discuss those and perhaps other explanations with your spouse, perhaps mediated by a friend or a professional counselor?

I read this aloud on YouTube.

You can reach career consultant Dr. Marty Nemko at [email protected]