A working list of ways to transform anger

Dear Friends,

Anger is an interesting topic to reflect on. It’s something that arises naturally in us in response to seeing or feeling pain. It may arise when we want to protect something precious, such as ourselves or innocent people. There are ways to practice cooling the dangerous flames of anger, without suppressing it entirely, that can leave us with valuable embers of energy pointing us toward greater love.

Both the Buddha and Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) taught about anger and how to work with it. In an interview with the author bell hooks , Thay said:

“To be angry, that is very human. And to learn how to smile at your anger and make peace with your anger is very nice. That is the whole thing—the meaning of the practice, of the learning. By taking a look at your anger it can be transformed into the kind of energy that you need—understanding and compassion.”?

When I first started practicing meditation, I believed that if I sat long enough I would be ever-calm and never have to deal with uncomfortable feelings of anger. I’ve learned that isn’t the case. Anger can arise at any time and its roots are planted deep inside me from my individual conditioning and simply by being human.?

I might get mad reading something snarky on email or social media, seeing my kid treated badly, watching civilians fleeing relentless bombing, or knowing that generation after generation of communities continue to face economic inequality and insecurity. All these make me angry and frustrated. Even getting cancer twice in two years pissed me off at first.

There’s a part of me that really likes anger. I like the feeling of righteousness that often co-arises with anger. A sample of my internal voice might be, “What is wrong with them!” And while anger offers an immediate sense of bliss (sort of like the first bite of chocolate fondant ), if unchecked, anger can morph into resentment that seeps into every cell in my body making me unwell and leaking out at those I love.?

The Buddha wrote an interesting verse on how to put an end to our anger also known as the Sutra on Subduing Hatred . In this sutra and in Thay’s version, Discourse on the 5 Ways of Putting an End to Anger , the Buddha offers Five ways to put an end to anger, which I would summarize as:

Look more closely to find the one good thing about the person you are angry at and focus on that.

That’s a little bit helpful. But I need more options for working with my flames of anger. So, over the years, I have experimented and expanded on the Buddha’s teaching to find ways to care for my anger without squelching it or indulging it. My practice is to try to transform my anger before it hardens into resentment.?

Here is my working list of 16 ways to transform anger based on what I’ve learned from the dharma and my life. Please use what resonates with you and ignore the rest:

1. Feel the anger in your body and greet it with friendliness. This might require taking a walk or lying down with your anger to allow your nervous system to downregulate enough to breathe with your anger.?
2. Sense what hurts underneath your anger and determine what action you might offer yourself in that moment to ease your pain. If you are in need of a hug, a cry, a walk in nature, a friend, or a cookie, give it freely to yourself.?
3. Learn something about the suffering of the one you are angry with -? whether that's a person, an organization, a government, or another being. How have they suffered in their life that may have led them to say or do the thing they did?
4. Learn something about the joy of the one you are angry with. What brings them joy? Can you imagine celebrating a special moment in their life with them?
5. If they are someone you are in a relationship with, remember and invite in the feeling of their love for you. Breathe with this love for some time, letting it refill your heart.
6. Does this person love any of your loved ones (e.g., do they love your kids, your parents, your human (or more than human) friends, etc.?) If so, remember and feel the joy of their love and the ways that they have cared for the ones you love.
7. If you are with them, look into their eyes directly and notice what is there.
8. Remind yourself that this being belongs in this cosmos every bit as much as you, your dog, or the oak tree out your window.?
9. Remind yourself that this being, like all of us, will 100% experience suffering in the future. They will get old and face sickness, death, and separation from those they love.?
10. Try to sense this person’s inner child by imagining them as a 5-year-old who wants and needs love and attention and does not always get the care they deserve.
11. Remember that you and they have the exact same universal needs but haven’t learned the same strategies for getting those needs met. The ways that they learned to meet these needs have caused harm to you.? And at the same time, their needs, like yours, are valid.
12. Imagine where you both will be in 50 years. Will holding onto the feeling of righteousness and resentment benefit you in any way?
13. Remember that, because of interbeing, you are one of the causes of the object of your anger, and they are one of the causes of “you”. They are not completely separate from you. Notice all the ways that they are inside of you and you are inside of them. See them as a mirror of you.
14. Reflect on the causes and conditions that lead to their unskillful words or actions. This person has had so many influences - family, friends, books, religions, teachers, locations, etc. – who have contributed to the reason they behaved the way they did.
15. Remember that you don’t know what is happening inside of them, even if you are pretty sure you do. Ask yourself, “Are you sure?”
16. Remember the truth that everything that happens is imperfect (the truth of suffering), impersonal (the insight of interbeing), and impermanent. So your anger is unavoidable, not really about you, and will eventually pass.

If this practice results in you having less reactivity and more clarity, find a way to gently and lovingly share your feelings and needs with the object of your anger. This could look like a conversation, a kind and firm letter, a demonstration, or a notice of non-payment.?

Your anger is probably justifiable. In fact, probably all anger is justifiable because it means that someone or something has hurt us badly. The Third Noble Truth of the Buddha is all about choice – what thoughts, feelings, and perceptions do we choose to feed and grow? And which do we practice transforming back into understanding and love??

Transforming our anger can make our life a little more peaceful, bring us more clarity, and possibly make the world a softer place for all of us.?

With love,

annie.