Working with FIGHT

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of it.

Fight as a defence mode, or fight as a means of survival has served its purpose. I cannot think, that anyone of us could honestly say that we have never been caught in a frozen moment - brain activated, adrenaline pumping, sweating palms, strength and speed that we have only ever witnessed perhaps on Safari as a Cheetah finally puts chase to its prey. With humans, this difference is pivotal in understanding our nature, our discord within, and our ability to serve and to survive. As we sense the attack, in this mode, we act so quickly that there is no thought, there is no reason, there is no rationality - it is intuition set to empower protection at its core.? ? ?

When this has become your means of living in your world, because it is all you know, it is one of the hardest modes to change.

Life has been a threat, people have hurt you, and to take one step away from the boxing ring, feels like turning your back on you. The guards are down, the gloves are off, the armour is now just a beautiful artefact within your memory. Yet, fear remains.

Fear has so many faces: defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

To imagine the world, that someone grew up in, that created this mode of coping, is a household full of :

Fear, fright, horror, panic, trepidation, dread, distress, worry, unease.

It is a household, built only on mistrust, abuse, insecurity and lack of safety.

Whether emotional, physical, or mental - this is a household of pain, harm, and abuse.

There is an old song about a house built on sand, it is a story told in many forms, in many languages. Think of the three little pigs, I will HUFF and I will PUFF and I will BLOW your house down. And although in the end, depending on the author, the three little pigs more often than not, get away to the house built with brick, and the wolf is either no longer a threat, boiled in the pot, or in my version, burns his bottom that he shoots off into the sky never to be heard of again. The stories depict the many complex faces of trauma.

1.) In some cases, we are completely unaware of the danger lurking behind the forest trees. We do not go into the world scared, and alerted to the dangers around us, we enter innocently into a world where behind every corner is wolf. A wolf that threatens, that breaks, and that comes back over and over again.

2.) In other cases, we have met our wolf before. They have hurt us, they have broken our homes, our houses, our safety. Yet, instead of running to safety, we run into our brothers arms. Where we are held, where we are comforted, until the wolf appears again. The first little pig, has not learnt to build a new home that is safe, maybe due to the time in-between the knocks on the door. Maybe due to believing that just being with someone will keep them safe, knowing someone is at their side, and that they can fight the wolf off together. But the wolf has grown stronger, hungrier for its vengeance, and it shouts again, I am HERE TO HARM YOU.

3.) Finally, safety is found. There is compassion, there is kindness, there is warmth and there is truth. You feel safe, because you know that you finally have a wall around you that will keep you safe from the rough edges of this world. From the wolves, from the words, from the punches, and from the pain. And the wolf comes, and he tries, but he doesn’t succeed.

We face this in our lives today, security beams, alarms, safety boxes for our valuables. Why ?

Because we have all heard about fear We all know there is ugliness in our world? When?

We are not born with fear. We are born with absolute trust to be fed, changed, held, comforted, and protected.

But, there is no world in which there is no pain. There is no world where there is no brokenness. There is no world where there is no stress. There is no world where there is no bullying. There is no world where there is no betrayal. There is no world where there is no death. There is no world where there is no fear, because there is no world that is perfect.

So as we look at how to help those stuck in the maladaptive coping mode of fight, remember,

They NEEDED to FIGHT. And our most important job, is to help them feel safe again, and help them be safe again.