Workaholic's Redemption: How to Lose and Win Back Loved Ones

Nightmare: I came home from a work trip to find my husband had shoved my stuff in garbage bags. He then threw me out in front of my three sons age 15, 13 and 6. Stunned: I moved as if my soul had already left my body. Devastation: 18 years of marriage, my family and home, gone in an instant.

As I carried my bags to my car, my boys looked at me with a combination of shock, horror and agony. I’ll never forget their faces as I drove away to nowhere in my overstuffed car.

That scar in my heart will never heal.

So much on both sides led to that point of marital disaster. We’re all capable of making life-changing mistakes. What matters is, we own our mistakes, make amends with those we hurt, and change our behavior.

One of my biggest failures is when my marriage fell apart I escaped into work. I neglected my family until they believed I no longer loved them.

I was an addict; addicted to the satisfaction of being productive and accomplishing measurable goals.

My sons said, “You love your work more than you love us.”

I couldn’t defend myself. Children watch your actions and feel your energy. All they want is to feel they’re the most important people in your life.

How could my boys think I cared about them when I worked 100 hours a week, traveled constantly and was always distracted?

That insanity is not good for children, nor for anyone who loves you.

I wonder if all entrepreneurs do the same, build their dream at the expense of the most important people in their life?

Is our legacy what we build or how we love?

Can it be both?

I hope yes, but no matter what, love comes first. I hope for your sake it doesn’t take losing everyone who’s important for you to learn this lesson.

I lost my family, my home and my dignity. My marriage was over, but I would never give up on my boys. I had to fight to get my children back. However this fight was with my heart, not my will to succeed. I knew how to win in business, but I had to learn how to win in love.

I did. It can be done. You can lose and win back your loved ones.

Before I reveal the long, painful journey of how, I want to celebrate a moment of redemption that inspired me to share this story.

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This year I missed Mother’s Day because my priorities regressed to career before kids. I gave a TEDx talk Saturday night back East and planned to arrive home Sunday for Mother’s Day dinner, but I missed my connecting flight.

I thought, “Oh no! Not again! I disappointed my boys!” I was devastated.

But when I called them from the airport totally distraught, they switched to a video call and sang “Happy Mother’s Day to You” in the tune of Happy Birthday. They said,

“Don’t worry Mom, we’ll come over tomorrow night and celebrate!”

Monday came and my boys surprised me. They each made a piece of art that captured their feelings. It was an demonstrative act of love, forgiveness and gratitude.

Gabriel, my eldest, made the piece “TIME” with a pink watch in the center surrounded by melting watches and clocks, reminiscent of Salvador Dali’s surrealist images. He explained he is grateful during his first year of college I always made time for him, responded to his texts, took his calls, and dropped what I was doing to be there for him.

We knew this was not always true. I took my family for granted and took care of work before them. Since my marriage ended, I’ve embraced time with my boys as a precious and valuable gift.

Jonas, my middle, made the piece “HANDS” which was a three-dimensional sculptural piece where two hands were literally reaching out from the piece with long, strong arms pushing them forward. He explained how he was grateful that I always reach out on behalf of him and his brothers to be their ambassador, advocate, agent, and protector.

This message was a sharp contrast to past years where I attempted to outsource parenting tasks or, if involved, handled them as they were a distraction on my to-do list. Now my children feel the same way I felt about my father after he overcame his addiction and became my champion.

Hillel, my youngest, created “EYES”, a family portrait of me and my three sons where our faces only had eyes, made out of the googly three-dimensional eyes. The image of me was a larger figure hovering over my boys. Hillel explained this piece represented how I always watched over them.

My heart swelled with love to hear my sweet baby, now 10, say he felt this way. For years I rarely went to their schools, doctor’s appointments and often missed performances and sporting events.

I had thought, “I don’t remember if my parents were there for me, it won’t matter.” Bull shit. It matters. My children notice if I’m watching over them or not.

The fourth and final piece of art was “LOVE,” a simple painting of a heart with the word “MOM” painted inside with the words “The Boys” painted in the corners.

I was emotional in my response as I embraced each of them.

“Thank you boys. I love you and these gifts more than words can say. I’m so sorry I’ve not always been a good mother. Thank you for giving me a second chance. These last four years, I’ve loved every minute of being there for you. You are the most important people in my life.”

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My journey to redemption was a two steps forward, one step back dance of balancing love, life and work. And … obviously, I’m still dancing.

At the beginning it was hard, I was too proud to ask for help, living in my car or cheap hotels and renting Airbnbs on the weekend to be with my boys.

There was no time to cry or waste time with a therapist analyzing my selfish ways. I had to get my act together, get divorced, find a place to live, and create an emotionally safe place for my boys to come home to.

By the way, if you need to improve your parenting skills, divorce is a painful and powerful self-improvement life course.

As adults, we’re defined by how we handle difficult situations, especially ones we cause. Being kicked in the head and losing everything is a blessing and a wake-up call to rise up and be your best self.

In the madness and unraveling of my life, I still never missed a day of work, never lost my cool, and continued to power through with the incredible support of my staff who watched me live off adrenaline, fear and the pain of losing my sons forever.

My teenagers barely spoke to me for the first couple of years, and wanted nothing to do with me. But they wanted to protect their little brother so they’d come along on the weekends so he wouldn’t be alone.

My boys didn’t trust my intentions. I took them on amazing vacations and bought them anything I thought they wanted. They felt I was trying too hard to love them. It felt desperate.

All they wanted was my attention. It took a while before my behavior felt authentic and we felt like a family again. Only consistency and time can heal the bonds I burned so badly.

Every time they’d pull away, I’d cringe in pain. But I knew it would be OK.

I remember when I was 12 and my Father was a drug addict, he gave up legal parental rights to my brother and me. I was so pissed, I once testified against him in court and sent him to jail. I didn’t speak to him for ten years. But over time he became sober (31 years), made amends and we were extraordinarily close until he died a year ago.

I’m a workaholic. Like all addicts, I will always be an addict. I’m always in recovery. I’m always choosing to make good decisions.

When I’m with my boys, I have to consciously ignore work and be present. This could mean snuggling and watching another “Blue Planet” documentary or simply listening to the stories of their day.

Thank G-d, now they want me to listen and care, not to solve to their problems, only witness them becoming young men.

Today life has changed for the better. I own a beautiful home where we’ve made new family memories. I have custody of my sons 50% of the time, and regardless of if it’s “my time,” I’m always available and connected to them.

The daily feeling of failure, angst and heartbreak I had during the first years of divorce, has been replaced with joy, gratitude and love.

Each morning, before I open my eyes, I am grateful for my sons and then I thank G-d for returning my soul to my body so I can love them another day.

I still struggle to not work when I’m with my boys. My startup is now five years old, operating in 112 countries and the stakes are higher. Beyond work, I’m compelled to serve individuals and the community with charitable acts, campaigns and events.

Yet, jobs and companies come and go. There will always be causes and people who need help. Yet, Gabriel, Jonas and Hillel are my only children and I never want to lose them again.

I won them back by striving to be the mother they deserve and putting them first. I will not take them, nor anyone else I love again for granted.

I share my journey because I know I’m not alone. Yet, I’m not going to give you a list of ten ways to win back your loved ones; your redemption is your own. 

Remember loving them is not enough, you have to show them through your actions that you love them.

I wonder though, why so many of us value success more than love? Maybe because it’s hard to measure how we express our love. There’s no Forbes list of the richest lover, i.e. who loves the most people in the most meaningful way.

Let our legacy be how well we love, and let everything else build from there.

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