Is the Work Working?

Parenting can test your patience. And your temper. Admittedly, I have lost mine more than I am proud to admit. However, I haven’t just “wished” I would stay calmer. I have done work. I have journaled. I have talked it out with my wife. I have also read an awesome book on parenting called “Hunt, Gather, Parent” that applies the parenting approaches of native cultures around the world to raising kids. One of the main themes is:

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Don’t show anger towards your kids.

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But with any change you are undertaking that doesn’t have a hard measurable outcome like losing weight, writing a certain number of articles per week, or increasing the number of pullups you can do in a set, it can be hard to know if you are getting better. Which is why moments like what happened recently are a good barometer for your progress.

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My kids were putting together a puzzle the other day. So far, nice work by my wife to get them doing an activity together, kindly, and quietly. It just so happened to be a puzzle from my own youth, a Thomas the Tank Engine puzzle to be specific. I was a weird kid who kept his Thomas toys and puzzles for “someday” when I had kids. Lo and behold, I actually had kids, and lo and behold, they are into Thomas! But anything that is 30 years old can hold a pretty strong, if pointless,? sentimental value, and my Thomas toys are no exception.?

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Which is why when my youngest knocked his water over onto half the pieces, my old reaction would have been an unreasonable amount of frustration and anger at having this piece of my childhood “ruined.” But instead of getting angry, I just shrugged my shoulders and told my kiddo not to worry about it. My wife, sensing I would be upset, took the blame for not putting a lid on the kids cups. I told her not to worry about it either.?

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We then looked at each other, I took a deep breath, and I said, “Wow, I guess the work is working.” My wife was equally impressed with my nonchalant response. In the big picture, this puzzle made it over 30 years, entertained two generations, and would not fetch anything of value on eBay anyways. It is just cardboard and ink. And now it was wet and possibly ruined. So what?

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And that’s how you know if the work is working. Are your responses better than before? Are you calmer? Are the situations that would normally upset you rolling off your back? Then the work is working. Even though it can’t be measured like weight or pushups, those moments will be your guide to know if the work is working.

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And speaking of working, my wife used her hair dryer to dry out the wet puzzle pieces and lo and behold, that trick worked too. And if it hadn’t?

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I still had two more Thomas puzzles from the 90’s on deck to entertain. And next time we’d put lids on those cups.

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