Work Parent Thrive Chapter 3 and 4 Summary

Changing the your labels and stories:

Everyday, we label ourselves about our working parenthood. Whether they be “ I’m a bad parent” or “bad employee.” The use of labels is a form of brain categorization that was formed in the human brain even before human beings could use words. More bad news is that, it’s just not labels our brains evolved to remember, it's the negative ones. This makes sense for early humans always on the lookout for danger while hunting on the plains or trying to ration limited resources, but that is no longer part of the majority of working parent’s daily lives. To make matters worse, as a working parent, with the overtaxed patience, constant juggling, and interrupted sleep, we’re more at risk to negatively label ourselves.?

Even if these negative labels are inevitable, we still have to ask ourselves, are these labels serving us? Are these labels helping us become good parents or good employees? Psychologists would argue that they are not. They're actually making things worse by repeatedly using labels, we hook ourselves to that identity.?

Negative self-labeling empirically lowers your performance. In one study, black kids and girls were reminded of their negative stereotypes about their respective identify group, which I refuse to repeat, before an exam. To no one's surprise, the recipients of negative stereotypes saw “significant” drops in their test performance. In the author’s own words, “harsh labeling causes mental resources [in working memory] that would otherwise be thinking through complicated tasks of connecting mindfully with ‘our children,’ get diverted by anxious and pessimistic thoughts.” This can easily then become a negative cycle, where your negative label distracts you into performing poorly, which then further entrenches in your mind, the label that caused poor performance.

Many of you are probably thinking, ok, this is obviously bad, but what do I do about it??How do I unhook?

Acknowledge it: before you can change your thoughts, you have to realize that you are having the thoughts in the first place. The insidious part about all of this negative labeling is that it’s subtle and you most likely don’t realize you are doing it.?

Distance yourself from your thoughts: Instead of saying “I am a bad parent” or “I am failing at work,” you can just as easily say “I am having the thought that I am a bad parent.”?

Change your labels:

• As a working parent, you are wearing multiple hats at all times. One way to change your label is to focus on one of the roles you are doing correctly. For example, if you ordered dinner for your family because you worked more on that particular day, you don’t have to look at yourself as a “bad parent,” you could just as easily view yourself as an “engaged employee” or “good time manager.” There is no need to bear unnecessary guilt.
• Sometimes, looking for the silver lining is futile. In these cases, even subtle distinction matters. Instead of labeling your performance “the worst,” is it not also “a work in progress” or “could be improved with some coaching and development?” These subtle distinctions hark back to the “growth vs. fixed” mindset discussed in the prior chapter.

Reflection

Lastly, each chapter in the book has a reflection section that helps drive the point home. In this chapter, the mindful pause section asks you to become aware of your working parent labels.?

1. What words do I associate with being a working parent??
2. What are my common assumptions about what it means to be a working parent?
3. What do I get most incensed, anxious, or guilty about in my working parenthood?

Drop your thoughts in the comments!?