Work, Parent, Thrive Book Summary - Chapter 1

Working Parenthood needs fixing?

Much of the literature of working parenthood is an externally-facing “repair the problem” approach. For example, gender inequities in a household that are typically unfair to women, inflexible workplaces, and the scarcity of childcare options for millions of Americans. While these are all real, critical, and important issues that need to resolved, they paint an unfairly negative picture of working parenthood.

Yael is a psychologist who believes that these and all of the problems inherent in working parenthood are exacerbated by our reluctance to psychologically accept the discomfort we feel from being working parents. As much as I love it, I confess that it can get pretty psychologically ugly. There is just something about juggling two deeply important roles in our lives that bring up feelings of inadequacy, frustration, resentment, hopelessness, etc.

Acceptance Commitment

Yael proposes we use methods from Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) which is a newer form of therapy that emphasizes accepting discomfort rather than avoiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist. The book cites a study in which a cohort of chess players received a 4-hour ACT training and compared their performance with players who did not. Over a 7-month period of post-training assessment, the ACT-trained chess players performed significantly better in competitions than their non-ACT peers. This is because “they were less likely to be unhelpfully distracted by uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that arose during competition” than their non-trained peers. The less the chess players accepted the problem, the more mindshare the problems took.

These benefits extend to working parenthood. You are in two very important roles as a parent and a working professional which will inevitably conflict. You will also deal with this conflict and come out a wiser and more resilient person because of it.?

The author highlights a study in which two groups experienced emotional provocation, one group was told that they had agency over how they responded and the other group was told that they don’t need to be discomforted by them. The group with agency reported less “negative” reactions from the provocation and decreased heart rates than their “avoid discomfort” peers.

Your values are here to help you

So we have to face our discomforts head-on. That’s not easy. To help in this process, Yael recommends that we ground ourselves in our values. Values have a longer-term horizon and are more deeply ingrained in our lives than emotions, which are fleeting and have dozens of variables impacting them and their intensity. “A value is not a destination or a goal, rather a compass that guides our journey towards the more meaningful.”

Each chapter in the book has a reflection section that helps drive the point home.

1. Think about a rough patch of working parenthood. What are you most proud of or having stood for in that period? If you didn’t handle it well, how would you want to handle it next time??
2. How would you like your children to admire your working parenthood?
3. Bring in mind a working parent you look up to. How would you describe the ways in which they journey though working-parent life?

Parents, would love to hear your stories and experiences with rough patches of working parenthood!