On work and motherhood...(my) life's lessons

Warning: Long article. I write this warning even before I begin to write this article simply knowing it's going to be a long one (but hopefully a good one)

?There are 2 main themes to this article (my life's lessons):

1. ?The first is about how NOT having any clue in which professional direction to go, how not knowing even WHAT you want does not mean doom . In fact everything turns out just fine in the end…better than fine actually. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Not being super ambitious in a corporate world is also OK. We don't (and can't) all get to be CEOs and some of us are happy not being in top managerial roles and being more 'mainstream'. THAT'S OK too!
2. The second theme is about that boiling point where motherhood and work collide and explode. (No explanation needed here, I think you all know what I am talking about). Balancing parenting and work is a non-stop challenge, but it does get easier!

In talking about the first theme...

..if I can convince just 1 young person that you don't need your professional life to be all pre-defined and planned out like an IKEA manual, that it's OK to NOT KNOW and that everything turns out just fine in the end, then the article was worth writing.

I only really understood what I wanted to do at work when I was 40+. And STILL to this day (now approaching 48) I don't have a set plan about where I want to go specifically and also…I am not in any super top managerial role and you know what…that's cool man! I am privileged for what I have learnt in my 25 years of working. I am proud of my career progression and my humble achievements. Pride and achievement are not and should not be measured in ranking or job titles.

In talking about motherhood and work, although my experience is by no means unique...

..if I can convince even 1 young woman that it's more than OK not to be perfect anymore in all that you do, then mission accomplished.

That 'it's ok not to be ok' (as they now say in the era of wellbeing). Inner balance and sanity do come back and take a leading role! There is calm after the storm. Trust me on this one pleeeeaaaaaaaase!

Kick-off

So let me start with my first theme which brings me be back to my University days. The way my professional life started and the industry in which I worked for, for most of my professional life so far was mostly luck, or rather a fluke I would say! I did a Master's Degree in Operational Research (that's number crunching) not having ANY CLUE (and I mean zilch, zero, absolutely nada) towards which direction this degree would lead me professionally. I simply chose a course that I liked and was good at, never really giving much thought to where this specific degree could take me professionally.

As part of my MSc, for the final thesis, we had a 3-month work placement from a pre-determined list projects and companies. Typical of me, I missed the University's announcement of when this list of projects became available so all the 'sexy' projects were taken and when it was my turn to choose, I was left with no choice but to select 1 of 7 projects at British Telecom (BT). Back in 1997 telecom's was not super exciting in my eyes and I was thinking ewww…BT…who on earth would want to work for BT!?!? (The only companies I had in mind or actually knew of back then were the big consulting firms and some big FMCG). Anyway, in going through the list of 7 projects at BT, I realized I didn't even understand the titles - so how could I possibly choose from a list of projects whose titles I didn't even understand. So I told the other 6 BT candidates, go ahead choose and whatever is left, I will take it. Low and behold, I got THE MOST INTERESTING project yet with the most boring title which is why no one chose it. And because of this random series of events, THAT'S how I not only got the best project for my thesis but also this is how I got into telecoms which occupied my professional life for about 17 years!!

?(I also have another 'fluke' story of how after my Master's Degree I ended up as a stagiaire in the European Commission in Brussels for 6 months, but that's a story for another day over a pint of beer!)

So I begin working in Telecoms in London and then in 2000 I move to Athens to work for Vodafone (Panafon back then). I was 25 years old, quite shy, timid, a bit of an introvert, good at what I did but not quite aware of my capabilities and skills, with no guidance or mentoring as to how I can become aware of them and very little training to develop them. And so my working life began in Finance as a business analyst. Numbers I could handle well, business modelling was what I understood and was good at. Then about 5 years into the role, I realized that seeing Excel spreadsheets in my dreams meant I had definitely reached my saturation point in Finance. This was my 'sign', my calling to move out of Finance. I think this was perhaps the first time I took control of my professional destiny and made the move to the commercial side of the business. I understood that Finance was a thing of the past (although assign me a task to build an excel model and I will be a very happy little bunny)

As a young timid female, I was not very ambitious, I wasn't rushing my career. I was going with the flow, not driving or leading my professional destiny. I don't think I ever asked for a raise, I never proactively sought any positions higher than my existing level.?However I must admit, that those were 'good years', when mobile telephony had 47% EBITDA margins and life in the P&L world was so great allowing for me to enjoy a relatively good salary and healthy YoY pay increases.

What I lacked however was essential and core to my maturing professionally. I had no real feedback, no mentoring, no guidance and no clue how to proactively seek to develop and progress my career and when you are by nature not a career animal, you usually just go with the flow. If you're good, during some re-org, the 'system' will favour you and you will come out a winner, but that's not always guaranteed. I was not one to actively seek and push for a glamorous career growth.

The Motherhood milestone

As a woman, I find that '30' is an interesting milestone, both professionally and personally. At 30, you typically have a good chunk of working experience in your toolbox, you are (slightly) more mature than you were?in your wild twenties and the prospects ahead of you are limitless and endless. I could see and feel the change not only in myself but all my friends around me. My female friends developing into mature women from crazy girls, serious professionals from young aspiring interns. I personally had 8 years of work experience in my pocket, I was in a strong personal relationship and so I felt that the ingredients were all there, the stars were aligned for a fulfilling personal life and promising professional career ahead.

But alas...then came the clash of the titans. That merciless head-on crash between motherhood and the promising career that has just started to unfold. A tumultuous clash. It happens to so many women. My story is no different.

This is a crossroad where decisions have to be made. Some women choose to go down (or rather up) the career ladder path with relentless determination because their careers are central to their being and I personally respect that choice 100%.?

I was so engulfed in the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood, that it was clear to me that parenting needs to come first, above everything else and career needs to be put on hold. (...'on hold' being the key phrase here).

However I must admit that perhaps my choice was easy because my 'career' was mainstream, 'normal', nothing grandiose?so it was not as if I was sacrificing anything super big!

I often tell the story of how (just before I had kids) I had applied for a managerial role just because I felt I had to, to show that I am of course committed and ambitious. Having completed the first interview, I went home that evening and cried my eyes out, worried about how I would manage and balance my plans for having kids along with the additional responsibility and tough working hours of this potential new managerial role. I had a huge guilt feeling and I already felt the stress. I had neither the job nor the kids at this point!! Imagine! I never go that job thank God! So this is where I advise younger women to not rush their career. Perhaps boosting one's career after having had kids is easier, smoother, with fewer conflicts, less stress, less guilt. It worked well for me!

Balancing parenting & work

So back to being that young inexperienced, overwhelmed mother balancing life at home and at work. At 32 I had my first son and at 34 my second.?I was overwhelmed with guilt during those first 5-6 years of motherhood. I felt that my entire life was controlled by the ticking of the clock. So many things to do, so little time. So many things to arrange, to plan for, to think about…the 'mental load' was absolutely huge. The simple logistics of getting through a normal day was a lot to bear. No one tells you that not only do you take on this HUGE new responsible role of becoming a mother but with that you also get the free bonus gift of a thousand to-do tasks a day that never seem to end. You tick off one item and another 10 appear.

I think what was difficult to deal with for me was that I felt like I was not really good at anything anymore.

Not top notch at work, constantly being a tired mum (who would fall asleep while playing with or reading to the kids), not finding time for myself or friends, not being very good at getting things organized at home, and definitely not being the best partner to my husband. I didn't realize then, but the first 5 - 6 years was a very difficult period full of stress & guilt (and extreme exhaustion of course) and it was eating away at me. I wasn't feeling very proud of anything anymore.

Press <<PAUSE>>

The way I describe this chapter in my life, is that in the first years of motherhood, life gets put 'on hold'. You press the 'pause' button. For these first few years of motherhood, I put my career development 'on hold'. I was doing my job and never stopped ensuring that I am delivering with impact, but I was not actively looking to boost my career because my priority lay with my kids. My personal and social life were also 'on hold'.?

Having once pressed pause, you later get to choose whether you want to press <<play>> or <<stop>>. I chose 'play'. I choose not to be only a mother in life. I had to be me first above all in order to be a good mother, a good partner, a good professional etc. Being me, means being proud of myself at work while personally and socially doing all the things I love (sports, art, culture, travelling etc), allowing myself all the pleasures in life and never blaming my kids as a blocker. Everything is doable. If there's a will there's a way. Many mothers ask me where I find the energy.

Energy flourishes from a positive mindset.

Press <<PLAY>>

So your kids start growing and before you know it, you suddenly realize that your kids don't need you as much, don't call out 'mummy' like a thousand times a day, don't pull on your clothes all the time?as you walk around the house (for me this happened when they were around 3+ and 5+). They actually start spending more time on their own, they become slightly more independent. And suddenly …OMG…you realize you have some breathing space. You realize you can become an individual again. You can stop being a full-time mum and become human again, a woman again. You can give yourself some time and attention, even start sports again.

This is when I started kick boxing. I hadn't done any sports for 6 years (sports was and is very important to me). I was looking for a sport that I could do at night having put the kids to bed myself (so as not to burden my husband). I found a kick boxing class that started at 10pm and I became addicted. This was my newly found source of energy. I was giving myself personal time, I was doing sports again, I was learning a new sport, I was getting my energy out and my body was changing back to how it used to be.

I was at last freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

There was no stopping me now! ?

Perfect timing

Back to the work part…. That managerial opportunity over which I cried about 6 years ago (which thank God I never got back then), now landed at a much better timing. I got promoted and at 38 I was to become a manager for the first time. I was now older, more mature, I had my 2 kids and they were not babies anymore (that breathing space that I just mentioned…very important). However, the point I really want to make here is different. It's about how ready one is to become a manger. I think we take it lightly…the responsibilities associated with becoming a manager. Speaking for myself, even at the age of 38, to this day I still think I was professionally too immature to become a manager and lead a team of 5 people. Yes, I was ready for a promotion and something bigger, but with no prior managerial experience, no training, no guidance and no mentoring I entered the role quite unprepared. And that's not fair on the people you come to manage.?

It took me a good 3 - 4 years to evolve into an all-rounded manager, one that I could be at ease with and proud of.

So when I mentor younger people, I try to tell them, that they should not rush into becoming a manager at a very young age. It ain't easy! It's time consuming, it's psychologically tougher, it's challenging and you can easily get burnt. So don't rush. Develop and grow yourself first. Become very aware of what and who you are as a professional and then you will be ready to become a good and impactful manager. I am a believer of managing by character and not authority and that takes more time and effort to cultivate.

Moving on smoothly

So kids grow older and work progresses. Life becomes smoother (not necessarily easier, just smoother). Work-wise those who want to pursue their super ambitious career can do so with more ease and less guilt. We have matured in the meantime both as adults and as professionals. We are wiser. We are more aware of who we are and can thus lead more effectively. The effort to successfully combine parenting and work doesn't lose its importance nor does it magically work out effortlessly. Yes, things loosen up a bit, but kids always require you to be there. When puberty hits, that's when you have to truly be 'present' as a parent. Although teenage kids spend a lot of their time either out with friends or in their room behind closed doors and although it may seemingly look like they don't need you as much, it's actually NOW more than ever super important to just physically be there, be around the house when they are there too, having those brief, random but yet potentially vital conversations as they walk into the kitchen to get something from the fridge, or as they join you on the couch to binge watch something on Netflix.

As life moves on, next comes the race to stay well employed for as long possible in order to (financially) get your kids (smoothly) through college and be there to support them until they stand solidly on their own two feet. This is my personal next chapter.

My life's lessons

Work is important. Very important. It's more than just a means of paying the bills and allowing for a good life. I personally need something more than just a pay check at the end of the month. I need intellectual stimulation. I am lucky to get my daily dose of this in the company that I work for. I am lucky to also get respect. The hours we spend at work, or doing our job wins the better part of your awake life so it's vital that we make it right for ourselves. Work needs to be meaningful and respectful. Back to my original theme around work not having a pre-defined path, at least for me....the way my career evolved could never have been prescribed nor predicted. It has been a bit haphazard but it has landed me in a good place. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" is a question I have never managed to answer!

Finally, as a parent, my philosophy is that my kids are top of everything but are not everything. Those who know me will understand what I mean by this. My kids are the most important thing in my life but they don't dictate my life. I get to dictate my life. My main goal is to strive for balance.?(...another personal philosophy is a a bit of 'betterness' every day in whatever you do). With balance comes happiness and when balanced and happy, only then do you have the right foundations to become a truly stable and good parent. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. It's a constant iteration of trial and error and you are most likely to never get it fully right. But you've just go to keep on working at it.

Parenting is by far the toughest but most rewarding role in life!