Work might not be the problem

Thanks to my research and time tracking challenges, I’ve seen how thousands of people spend the 168 hours in a week. Not how they think they spend these hours, but how they actually spend the hours. These data sets have given me a slightly different perspective on the usual arguments about women, work, and life.

The usual story is that if you work a full-time job, and particularly if you work a “big” full-time job (the high-paying sort) you will never see your kids. Professional success must involve big trade offs! No one can have it all!

But when I had women with six-figure jobs track their time for my book, I Know How She Does It, I saw that reality is a lot more nuanced. Work is generally not some all-consuming beast stealing women from their families. Families wind up getting a lot of time too.?

First, some numbers: The women that I studied in I Know How She Does It worked, on average, 44 hours a week. They slept, on average, 54 hours a week. Subtract 44 and 54 from 168 and you get 70. This is not a small number, and given that these women shared homes with young children, they spent a lot of those 70 hours with their offspring.?

I mean a lot. As one time tracker told me “I used to feel guilt. I don’t feel guilt anymore.” An attorney realized that she spent more hours with her kids than she was billing — not the usual narrative you hear about law firm life.?

When you work through schedules, you see how this can play out. If someone was gone from her home from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. five days per week, she might very easily spend an hour or more before work around her kids and two hours afterwards (before the kids go to bed), plus ten hours or so on weekend days. That adds up to 35-40 hours a week. People who are employed for 35-40 hours a week don’t lament that they “never” see their jobs. And given that many women work in more flexible ways (working remotely, or splitting shifts), this number can go higher, and often includes the “peak” hours that full-time work allegedly doesn’t allow.

(Note: I paused writing this essay to go drive my 16-year-old to school because he had a delayed start. I chatted with him at 3 p.m. when he was done too.)

So why is work always the problem? I have pondered this a lot in the ten years since writing I Know How She Does It. I think the answer is that society is still very uncomfortable with the idea of mothers working for pay. People will deny it, but that is always the idea lurking in the shadows, and even very progressive folks succumb to its power. That’s why you read opening anecdotes of women missing a softball game on account of a missed flight, and deciding they need to dial back, scale down, opt out. That story just feels like it makes sense.

My take? I’ve missed all sorts of sporting events on account of being at other children’s activities. That’s just the reality of having a big family, but no one would expect me to open an essay with the lament that “I missed the softball game — I really shouldn’t have had more than one kid!” It’s missing games for work — which, remember, is “bad” for women — that sparks a crisis.?

I hope the ridiculousness of this is obvious when brought to the light. Personally, I believe that women (and men!) can have it all, and many people do. We can have thriving careers, happy families, and enough time to maintain our personal health, hobbies, and relationships. Time logs can show this. People like their stories and they like their villains, but work need not always serve this role. Just like family, work can absolutely be a major part of a fulfilling life.??