Work-Life Balance: The Promised Land

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Let’s leave the statistics out. They’re simply too bleak. Fact is: workplace stress, increasing workload and missing work-life balance are pervasive issues, no matter whether you’re living in San Francisco, Stockholm, or Singapore. For decades, people have tried to figure out how to live with more balance – with not an iota of improvement. On the contrary: with complexity, volatility, and speed of change increasing, work-life balance related illnesses - mental health issues or burnout - spin out of control. The promised land of a balanced life is more distant than ever.

What can you do?

After working with executives on five continents for more than 20 years, here are four insights, approaches, and measures we’ve discovered to create a more balanced life – for yourself and for your team.

1.???Sorry About That!

Let's not beat around the bush. There's no quick fix for work-life balance (oh boy, would we like that). If you're looking for a five-step solution, don't waste your time reading this. If you're serious about creating more balance, here's what it comes down to:

Whenever we miss balance - as a matter of fact, whenever we get dissatisfied or frustrated about any work (or other) situation, we operate from our fight-or-flight instinct – from our limbic brain. There’s not enough of something we want: time for ourselves, time to play, time to be with our spouse. Bottom-line: we operate from fear, from a mindset of contraction and protection rather than expansion and creativity.? We’re a victim to something around us (too much work, my boss’s demands etc.).

Sorry to start on that note.

Good news: we all share the same basic behavior as humans, so you’re not alone with this. All of us are really in a classroom to overcome our fears. We can pretend otherwise and keep grinding away, or join in, do what's really needed, and help your peers do the same.

If you want better work-life balance, rethink!

Instead of wanting more balance in your life, consider that what you really hope for is to move out of victim mode. How can you do that? First, by recognizing whenever you feel frustration, anger or dissatisfaction, that you’re actually operating from fear and victim mode. You’re not thriving. You’re surviving. If you fail to become aware of that, you’ll just go about your day, emanating energy in the world around you from that perspective. This is NOT the place of a leader.

Then, take responsibility for your situation. Fully accept that you’re in the situation (rather than fighting it). See the choices you’ve made to be in that situation. You’ve accepted the position. You’ve chosen to accept the work. Take the steering wheel back into your hands.

Even though it might be challenging, you must get on the field to play. If you remain a victim, you’re sitting on the sidelines. You can point fingers and shout, but you’re unable to impact the game.

Try it out. Pick something that frustrates you (e.g. your workload). Fully accept where you are. Don’t fight it. This is where you are right now. In the present moment, when you fully accept, imbalance disappears. Then, list the choices you’ve made that brought you here. You’ve been a part in creating the game. As you do that, can you feel a slight shift in energy? From anger, frustration or finger-pointing to a sense of empowerment. Welcome back to the driver’s seat.

2.???Be Where You Want To Be

Next, let’s examine at what you’re really looking for. You might call it work-life balance, but ultimately, you’re looking for balance. Work-life balance is not primarily about more work, less work, or more time with your kids. It’s about one simple question, which really determines your overall happiness:

Are you where you want to be, do what you want to do, with whom you want to be, right now?

Look at your happiest moments. You’re exactly where you want to be, do what you enjoy, with whom you want to be. You’re fully present.

Missing balance means that you’re having too many moments where that’s not the case. When you sit in the office until 10pm because you have to finish a project, you miss balance IF you’d rather be somewhere else. You do NOT miss balance if you WANT to be there.

Two suggestions:

1.?????Make whatever you do a choice. Stand 100% behind it or don’t do it (I know that might be impossible at times). If you take on a project, work with your inner gremlin so that you want to be there. Unless you burn out physically, much of your experience is created between your ears.

2.?????Look at those instances where you feel overwhelmed, stressed, out of balance. Ask yourself: what would help me make those moments more inspiring, enjoyable, or expansive for me? Maybe you ask for help from a colleague; maybe you just have an honest conversation about where you’re at. Asking questions brings you into the present moment.

3.???Be Who You’re Here To Be

If you're already over the edge, close to burning out, simply choosing to be there doesn’t help, anymore. If you feel you’re at that juncture, consider this: balance in your life means that you express your authentic personality. We all have a unique personality, unique gifts, talents and preferences. Our CBI Personality Color Assessment has made that visible for thousands of people.

Whenever you’re out of balance, you’re not expressing your authentic personality in the right ratio. Take me, for example: I have an ability to do details, to see patterns, and how things need to happen in order to succeed. But another part of me dislikes detail, needs freedom, inspiration, purpose, and fun. Everything I do, I do with these personality traits: my work, my vacations, the books I read, the people I hang out with. Whenever I spend too much time on details, financial matters, mental stuff, I go bonkers, because the other part of me asks for balance.

You, too, have a unique personality that wants to be expressed – IN BALANCE. When you do that, you'll have work-life balance. When you're not able to express your authentic personality, you can have as much time off as you want, you’ll still feel frustrated.

Suggestion: Look at what you do well. Write down the various aspects. Take our Personality Color Assessment (disclaimer: online gives you some idea. In-person gives you the full picture). Look at the various aspects of your work. See whether you can shape your work over time to fulfill more of your authentic personality (your wife/husband will thank you).

4.???Get Centered – Calm Your System

Let's get to the practical stuff (no, not the glass of wine to take the edge off). The purpose of this exercise is to strengthen our ability to remain present. In neuroscience-terms: to avoid falling into fight-or-flight mode at the slightest disturbance, and instead to keep operating from your Direct Experience Network, your neocortex.

A problem with human nature that gets us into trouble is the fact that we only have a certain amount of capacity and energy to keep operating from our neocortex. If you wake up well-rested, your battery is full. Then life happens: the kids don’t want to get dressed, traffic upsets you, the coffee spills on your shirt, your mum wants you come by, your boss needs you to work on something - pronto. With every intervention, your battery drains. Operating from our neocortex takes energy, so after our batteries are drained, we revert back to our emotional and instinctual brain regions. We don’t act, we re-act.

Now, imagine that you don’t get enough rest or lay awake at night thinking about work. You wake up tired and your battery is half empty to start with. Suddenly, your to-do list becomes really exhausting.

To create work-life balance, it's critical to keep your batteries full: to recharge – not only at night, but also during waking hours. Physical exercise helps do that; a run in the woods, and voilà, your brain is ready to get back to work. What if the forest isn't an option?

Meditate! Practice mindfulness. Find time to kick in your parasympathetic nervous system. (If you still find that meditation or mindfulness practices are hokey, you’re of course welcome to keep doing what you’re doing. It’s been around long enough and will be here when you’re ready).

You might have your own practice. If not, here are a couple of options that I’ve found work well:

1.?????Start with one minute! If things get busy, meditating for 20-30 minutes isn’t easy. My monk-friend told me: “Start with one minute where you’re fully present, where you empty your mind. Do that once a day for half a year, and then you can move to two minutes. If you don’t manage to put that into your schedule, you have a different problem than work-life balance.”

2.?????Expand on it. Take a minute every hour, or every two hours. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Take a break, close your eyes, and become present for one minute every hour or two. When I'm in a meeting during that time, I sometimes ask my clients whether they’re open to taking a minute together with me. Definitely changes things around.

3.?????I’ve had great responses from clients with a simple mindfulness practice that Stanford University has developed and tested in their neuroscience department. This practice activates the brain regions we typically need during our day: presence/calmness, focus, and vision/creativity.

Here’s how it goes: For each of below, take one deep inhale and exhale. Then move to the next.

First breath: close your eyes and focus on a spot between your eyes (calmness).

Second breath: open your eyes and focus on a spot about 10 inches in front of you – for example the white on one of your finger nails (focus).

Third breath: look outside (or ideally do this in nature) and feel the expansiveness and presence of nature (vision/creativity).

Repeat these 3 breaths 3 times.

I was in a 3-day Zoom workshop and practiced this on-and-off throughout the workshop. It’s powerful! Give it a whirl.

In Closing: Work-Life Balance Is About Courage

I wish I had a simple solution that improves work-life balance. Our workplaces are literally killing us, and there’s no remedy in sight. Maybe we can pull together and gather best practices. If you have something, please add it in the comments.

Ultimately creating balance in your life comes down to one thing: courage! The courage to set a boundary and say: “I’m sorry, I’d like to take this on, and I’m currently not able to do that.” Or: “I can take this on when we find someone to take X off my plate.” Even when you’re self-employed, how much courage does it take to say to yourself: “It might be necessary to take that client, and I choose not to do it.” The stories racing through our minds are endless – I’ll lose my job, I won’t make money, I’ll fail.

Can you step into that uncertainty and speak your truth - one step at a time? Let me know how it goes for you. I’m practicing.

If you want more content like this, you can check out our articles and programs on our website.

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We're at a point in history where our existing ways to pursue success, conduct business, and govern our countries have reached a limit. Humanity stands at a crossroads - an evolutionary step to a new age. Individuals and organizations leading the way are already more successful and outperforming the market, and the gap between the leaders and laggards will only increase. Where do you choose to stand?