Work-Life Balance is an Illusion

In this newsletter, I share my view on work-life balance, why a mindset rooted in imperfection is more productive, and the three questions I ask myself to alleviate the frustration of “finding balance:”

1. What am I optimizing for?
2. What season am I in? Do my priorities align?
3. Can my current habits guide me to my desired future? Do they reflect what I’m optimizing for?

How do I find the perfect work-life balance?

This is a question I repeatedly asked myself as I became a husband, father of three, and CEO of a small behavioral health tech company.

I recall years ago asking a mentor of mine the same question as I was struggling with the concept—the second I felt like everything was out of balance, I would create so much self-induced stress and anxiety.

His answer: “You don’t.”

I was dumbfounded.?

At the time, I didn’t know what to do with that. And, of course, he wisely raised his eyebrows when I pressed for further explanation—he knew I needed to discover the answer for myself.

My formative experience occurred when a series of personal and professional life milestones happened simultaneously—I transitioned into the CEO role, and a month later, we welcomed our third child (and I poorly handled the situation ).

I was forced to take a deeper look at myself because my frustration increased with every added layer of responsibility, which impacted my ability to effectively lead myself, my family, and my company.?

Two critical realizations came from this:

1. A “perfect” work-life balance doesn’t exist; the idea doesn’t match reality.
2. When I tried to show up everywhere, I showed up nowhere.

In other words, my perception of achieving a perfectly consistent pattern of work-life dynamic was causing me to chase an impossible outcome, and I had to learn the essential, practical skill of prioritizing.

The reframe I discovered entirely shifted how I approach my life.

1. Work-life balance is an illusion. Work-life harmony is the reality.
2. We must accept that we can’t prioritize everything at once.

While a subtle shift in words, the result is a profound difference in mindset and perspective that drives our actions, behaviors, emotions, and perceptions.

Balance implies perfection. We’re constantly searching for equilibrium to avoid tipping in either direction. This constant pendulum swing can lead to unrealistic expectations, disappointment, frustration, burnout, etc.

Harmony is fluid, adaptable, and an arrangement that can sustain continuous adjustments. It can evolve with the constant iteration of our personal and professional priorities. It’s a mindset that better aligns with life’s imperfections.

When we aim for harmony (alignment, integration—whatever word you prefer), we avoid beating ourselves up for not achieving perfect balance. Instead, we adjust as we navigate ebbs and flows, developing resilience to change.

By repeatedly hitting this wall a thousand times, I’ve learned to ask myself three questions regularly to manage my priorities and distribute my energy and focus across my family and career responsibilities.

Answering these honestly, even if it’s the answer I don’t want to hear, helps me keep myself in check and avoid being overwhelmed by juggling too much at once.

What am I optimizing for?

The answer differs depending on the person, situation, and circumstance. Maybe we’re optimizing for self-care, family time, financial freedom, or career growth.

The answer evolves even for the same person, so it’s helpful to ask it recurrently. It could change weekly, monthly, or annually.?

This question can be revisited at any relevant frequency. Currently, I ask myself this every Sunday to plan for the week.

What season am I in? Do my priorities align?

We want to pursue many things, and it’s hard to say “no.” However, to create focus, we must know what to set aside. We must learn to say “no” to say “yes.”

If we are on the hook for too much, our attention is fragmented, and we do many things with less quality; again, we try to show up everywhere, resulting in us showing up nowhere.

This question allows us to evaluate current priorities and shift them to a later date when the season isn’t right. It doesn’t mean saying never to things we want to do; it’s accepting that now is not the right time.

I ask myself this when I sense a change in routine, not on any set cadence. For instance, I coach my son’s baseball team—when that is in season, I must realign my schedule for games and practices. The same goes for the holidays; I dial back on professional pursuits to focus more on family, shifting gears again in January.

Can my current habits guide me to my desired future? Do they reflect what I’m optimizing for?

As our seasons and priorities change, our systems and habits often change alongside them.

Some habits may work great in one scenario but are prohibitive in another. Routines are essential, and we must accept they will eventually change if we want to keep up with the constant flux.

This question focuses on our trajectory over our current position, ensuring our inputs and standards are aligned with our desired outputs and that we’re taking steps in the right general direction.

A trajectory is infinite, whereas a position is finite. A trajectory is dynamic, and position is static. Set a trajectory and make adjustments.?

Think harmony instead of balance.

“Focus is knowing the art of what to ignore. It’s not figuring out where to direct your attention; it’s knowing how to decline all the other things competing for your time.” -James Clear

Revisiting these questions has allowed me to step back, think strategically, create clarity, and accept the constant change in my weekly priorities.

This shift in thinking has alleviated my frustrations about chasing something that doesn’t exist, which is the perfect balance between life and work.

Sometimes, it’s more about life and family; sometimes more about career.

Success doesn’t require us to sacrifice our well-being or our families' well-being.

We can respect personal time, prioritize mental health, and encourage this within our team culture; when we genuinely care about them as people, they will care more about the business. Everyone wins.

That starts with self—we must lead by example.

Take it in stride. Consider the ability to look at each week’s challenges with indifference and the longer view.

And find a little joy in the process.

Resources:

James Clear, the author of?Atomic Habits , did a live podcast with Ryan Hawk , host of the?Learning Leader Show ?(one of my favorite leadership podcasts), highlighting the use of these reflective questions.

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Follow me here on LinkedIn for more content on leadership, personal development, and work-life harmony.

I also offer leadership coaching. My focus is helping people lead with who they are, aligning decisions, actions, and behaviors with values and principles. If you are interested, you can schedule a free consultation here .

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