Work from home...badly.

The brown sticky stuff has hit the fan so badly the Government is actually trying to do something about it. 

I know, I’m scared too. 

But now everyone is either working from home or is an overnight ‘expert’ in it. 

And as recent history has taught us time and again, we’re fed up with experts, instead, we need action. 

So sit back, relax and let my wisdom wash over you like the last squirt of purell in your pudgy little hands. 

You’ve got nowhere better to be now. 

Work areas are for chumps. 

You know those people at work that just seem to say “yeah” in a pleasant but air-headed way whenever discussion comes down to brass tacks? You can normally find them vacantly staring out the window in meetings or getting in your way as you try to go through a door. 

They’re the kind of people that make their bed in the morning so they can say they’ve “achieved” something. 

They’ll be picking out the right colours of paint to make a room nice and airy, picking a comfy chair to keep their back nice and choosing a desk and monitor that is “ergonomic” - whatever the hell that means. 

In the hours, days and weeks they spend doing that, winners like us will have closed 8 deals and read Trump’s autobiography. Because we don’t waste our time with trivial shit like that.

All you need these days is a phone and an internet connection. 

So instead of wasting your time creating a safe place to nurse your papercuts, create a handle so you can finally get a grip.  

I type from the toilet usually. Now that’s efficient. 

“Stick to your hours”.

Ah, the battle cry of the lazy.

The pubs, cinemas and most of everything else outside are shut. 

Your commute is non-existent.

And all of your customers are holding their phones, right now. 

You don’t have an excuse not to work anymore. 

So start making those pounds. If you get enough of them you can make a US Dollar and eventually your boss can buy even more bulk supplies. 

“You get out what you put in”. So if all you put in is half an ass, don’t be surprised when all you can muster is a sad, silent twerk. 

Now go make a coffee but drink it only when you’ve closed a deal. 

Go Fu-Fuel yourself.

There’s a lot of people posting healthy recipes online.

Good for them, does nothing for their cash flow though does it?

But it may “build connections that down the line give us business” I hear you cry.

“Oh Mary shared her homemade granola recipe 8 months ago, I’ll buy 69 reams of paper from her.”

The above quote is a fantasy scenario.

Just like the delusion that a sugar-free bowl of grain will taste any fucking good. 

Besides, if it takes you longer to make the food than to eat it, then you’re inefficient.

We all need to eat. 

But not at the expense of the bottom line. 

So here’s my recipe. 

Get a pizza (it’s a circle so it’s well balanced nutritionally). Put that in the oven, take it out during your 2 minute daily loo break, and blend it.

Neck it, then get back to work. 

Or the next thing getting cut will be your salary. 

Exercise.

All the bums and tums in the world won’t make your pitch any stronger and it won’t make your ex's heart grow fonder. 

But it will distract you from the only thing that matters.

Work.

That’s why it’s called “work from home” not “work then exercise from home” and the only thing I want to see you pumping is those rookie numbers. 

Remember if you want enough salary to cover your life then your life needs to cover your work. 

So if you’re going to do it, exercise your jaw on the phone. 

That’s the only effort of yours that won’t be a waste. People might be spending more time on LinkedIn right now - but that doesn’t mean it’s a good time to invest in your marketing there. Because people want cold calls. It’s all they’ve ever wanted.

When you’ve spoken to 200 decision-makers, you can go price gouge some toilet roll. 

/s