The Work Changed My Life

In life, and work, it can be easy to point fingers. To find fault, blame other people – or external circumstances – for what you see as a problem. It’s more challenging to understand and accept your own role in creating the change you want to see.

One reason for this is that humans tend to argue with reality. To wish things were different, to want things to change. To be blunt, this is futile. Worse yet, the disconnect between what reality is and what we wish reality was, causes us the most frustration. And yet, we all do it.

To break the cycle, accepting reality is the first step – accepting that what is, is. Don’t get me wrong; this doesn’t mean pretending things are perfect, ideal, or even good. It means accepting and acknowledging reality as it is.

The trouble is accepting that ‘what is, is’ is a deceptively tricky ability to develop.

The Work of Byron Katie

As you might surmise from my blogs and “Positive Thoughts,” I’m a self-help and personal development student. I’ve explored within and without. One of the most profound influencers in the field, whom I’ve learned from, is Byron Katie. I attended an intimate event with her in San Diego and have listened to her doing the Work at events.

The Work of Byron Katie is based on her personal life experience. Her approach – titled, fittingly, ‘The Work’ – is a process of inquiry. One that allows you to access your internal wisdom to improve your life.

I don’t have the space to describe Katie’s four-stage approach in the detail it deserves, but I’d like to give you an overview. If what you find here interests you, I encourage you to visit her website and explore more deeply.

Notice

First, think about a situation that frustrates or upsets you. Take yourself there as vividly as possible, experiencing what you did at the moment and feeling what you felt. Especially the emotions: make a note of precisely what you were feeling.

Write

Write down as much as you can about the situation. You might find it helpful to use Katie’s ‘Judge-Your-Neighbor’ worksheet, which you can download for free here. Don’t hold back, especially when you’re thinking about other people who were involved. Be as open as possible, as “judgy” as you need to be, without censoring yourself.

Question

Take one discrete thought or statement from what you’ve written, and ask yourself the “Four Questions”:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know it’s true?
3. How do you react, and what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Treat this process like a meditation. Really ‘sink in’ to these four questions, reflecting on what is genuinely true for you.

Turn it Around

Now, turn the statement around in several ways. This process helps you explore “your part in it.” Here’s an example. Let’s say you’re frustrated because a few employees have quit recently, and you believe it’s because your manager, “John,” isn’t providing enough support for your leadership. If the original statement was, “John undermines my management,” there are four ways to turn it around:

• “I undermine my management”
• “I undermine John’s management”
• “John didn’t undermine my management”
• “John supported my management”

Like the Four Questions, take time with each of these turned-around statements. Even if they don’t seem true on the surface, try to find something in them that is true for you. I know this is difficult, I know – there’s a reason why Katie calls her approach “The Work.”

Why “The Work” Works

You might wonder what the point is in reflecting on these questions. Especially the ones that – at least on the surface – appear to be the opposite of reality. And that is precisely the point. Exploring reality from every possible direction, and finding a kernel of truth from each angle, helps you better understand and accept reality, which is the first essential step in creating the reality you want.

Arguing with reality is wishing that something was different. It may feel like action, but it’s not. It’s futile, and it’s what causes us frustration and pain. When you accept reality for what it is, then – only then – you can begin to work towards solutions. I hope you find Byron Katie’s process exciting and valuable in creating the change you want in your life.

Additional Resources

The Work of Byron Katie

JimNewcomb.com: Resources

Last week’s blog, in case you missed it: Tenure for Candidates

[Jim Newcomb has been a Senior Recruiting Partner with Goodwin Recruiting since 2013, 2016 Partner of the Year, 2017 Ambassador of the Year, 2018 Extensive Support Coach of the Year, 2020 created Daily Positive Thoughts, and 2021 created JimNewcomb.com website for consistent contribution.]