The Words (Part - 1)

They come to me at night, whenever I go to sleep.

They are sometimes good, sometimes bad. It makes me feel good and painful. Sometimes I think they won't come. Maybe I'll stop fantasizing too. They like the shadows. Who loves the freshness of the night, they come to my ears and play into the blue light of the night. They love me lonely. Sometimes whispering uncomfortable in my ear. I got the words in my pocket.

By way of introduction, my name is Sheila. I grew up as a middle-class person. Self-aggrandizement is a conflict in social reform. Anyway, we'll move on to the main story.

I was new in the world. At that moment, the word 'useless' came to mind. It was a numbing vibration of darkness against light, living painfully in my chest in daylight. I saved a note for the world. But I haven't found where that sound was lost in that numb vibe. I grew up with inexplicable pain in the chest.

'Who am I?'

Those two were whispering close to my ears. The rest of the words in my body wanted to come out of my throat in whispers of words. This time I had 'No' with me. The words burned my throat. Fortunately, I poured it into my mouth before anyone noticed. Just trying to control myself and get back to normal. The thousand words inside are trying to break the door of 'no' and come out. At times like this, I have a feeling of warmth in my eyes; after that, a few drops of tears fell out of my eyes. Just pretending to be asleep.

I feel these letters trying to escape me. They put more words on the road to annoy me. Their good old friends 'hopeless' and 'disgusting' came to join them. I knew it would be hard for me to break their collective defences.

I need to break out of this crowd. Now it's like I'm flying somewhere. I got out of bed. One time I heard my mother's voice, "Where are you going?" After hearing that, I figured it out and went to the bathroom without saying anything.

‘Hopeless’ was next and possibly worse than the first. The ugly weeping continued, but was followed by her best friends, "self-doubt!" and "depression!" Suddenly, every tear, as well as the burns it produced, tore apart deep cuts in my heart. I felt sculpted to the point where tears slowed down and my shallow breaths were filled with the worst kind of torment: mind. I was thinking. And thinking was never good. Thinking allowed ‘disgusting’ to finally show its face.

I closed my eyes while the last tears silently flowed over my face. Suddenly, the words broke out. 'Ugly' 'helpless' 'someone' 'pointless' 'stupid' 'annoying' 'terrible' and 'nothing' to name a few. They piled up to cover me with glass walls. 'Neutral', I sat down. 'Unwanted' for a moment, took time to make myself 'presentable'. I tried to figure out by myself that this is normal, and I couldn't be the ark without noise in the background noise. A reminder of truth. A painful truth.

It was a cold night, a slight drizzle, and I was thinking of dying. It was a really hard day. The words seemed cruelty, the negatives were stronger than the positives, and the world was darker than my room. But now the storm has dissipated and it seems that the sound has subsided, even for a while.

There were no spinning letters or depriving words. No tears streaming or heart aching. Only me, on the balcony, alone.

My fingers brushed the dewey rail mindlessly, and I realized, only vaguely that it was 2 in the morning.

I breathed out slowly. I couldn’t sleep even if I tried.

“Hey.”

I started at the low voice from across me. There was another balcony I had never noticed before, and on it, a brown-haired teenage guy I had never noticed before either.

“Hi.” I replied, more than a little confused at the hoodie-wearing stranger.

He blew out a strangled breath, and it was then that I recognized it. How could I not? It was the same sound I made after I had bawled until my eyes felt swollen. The same difficult breath I pulled in after every breakdown. I recognized the red tinge around his eyes and I could almost see the effort he was making to hold in his own strew of vicious lettering. [to be continued...]