WORDS

My aunt, Mei Jie, celebrated her birthday this weekend. She was the second eldest in my mom's family of five girls and a boy. My mom was the oldest.

My aunts and uncle were more like older siblings to me; they all helped care for my brother and me. My mom was divorced, and I grew up in a single-family household.

Mie Jie took care of me as a toddler when my mom was at work. One of her favorite stories – which she told my wife the first time they met- was how she taught me the 26 Roman alphabet letters. Mei Jie arranged pillows and bolsters from the bed into letter shapes. She also taught me words from the dictionary, and later, my aunts introduced me to Scrabble.

Mei Jie was a teacher and the first guide in my English language journey. ?Alongside the letters, my study was rooted not just in the mechanics from words to sentences to paragraphs but in ideas, meaning, and, most importantly, intent. I learned early on that intent and how a message is conveyed can impact relationships.

In my native Hainanese language, we use different words to express ourselves with older family members. How I chose to communicate with my aunts and uncle, adopting some of the casual informality you would have with elder sisters and brothers, had to be made thoughtfully. It was a choice that needed to be balanced against the social agreement in the language to show respect or deference. With this choice, we reinforced our relationships within the family while adapting the cultural norms of formality.

I learned nuance around how choosing my words, either wisely or poorly, shapes how others view me. Word choices most certainly create an impression and can subsequently impact the size of one’s community and the quality of relationships. I understood as a boy that words are how we convey our intent, culture, and values.

The language of respect for elders was notably absent for women like my mom. She and my dad were divorced, and consequently, she faced pejorative labels and words that questioned her social position.

I recall vividly that it was hard for her to achieve economic viability without a husband by her side. It would have been easier to be labeled a widow than a divorcee. She could not buy a house, apply for credit and loans to start her own business, or sign documents. When I was admitted to the country's top primary and secondary schools, the consent forms had to be signed by my dad. Had she been a widow, she would at least have been able to provide a death certificate and then be allowed by my school to put her name on the signature block.

How societies use words to express culture and values also impact laws, determining who can do what and when and majorly impacting lives. My mother was a highly skilled cook who could read and write (unlike many in her generation). However, because of her gender and circumstances, she could never thrive beyond a narrow band of acceptable work. The words in the social, cultural, and economic systems around her were like a block of ice that encased her family and kept her, my brother, and me at a frozen level of economic and social growth.?

Years later, after I had moved to the U.S., I met my wife in Boston. She grew up with a widowed mom and was the youngest of five kids. We compared notes, and maybe it’s part of our bond. Her mother also struggled with property rights and banking laws that excluded women. She became a schoolteacher despite a bachelor’s degree in business and a head for numbers. It was one of the few jobs where a single woman wouldn’t be treated differently and one of the only ones that afforded her time to take care of her family. My wife credits her feminism with observing first-hand the casual indignities experienced by single moms, like car dealers telling her to return with a man when she was ready to replace the family sedan.

Fast forward to today. There has been progress – women like my mom and my wife’s mom could now easily buy a house in their names. Many organizations recognize past errors and historical biases and actively work to drive more diversity, equity, and inclusion in the workplace. Still, the process and output remain haphazard, messy, and sometimes awkward at best.

Recognizing the faults and even having the intent to change is not enough. The best intentions – having your heart in the rightest of the right place – are irrelevant if the words we use are still steeped in historical and cultural biases, even if the biases are unconscious or unintended. We need to break down the barrier of using old words that stem from old systems before we can genuinely tackle meaningful changes for diversity and equity.

As my aunt taught me years ago, words have consequences and are a choice. We should heed this vital lesson and choose our terms wisely to express our intent, culture, and values.

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed here are my own, not those of Textio.