At The End of Your Rope?

Does it seem there's more anger in the world these days? Are you on the front lines and at the end of your rope with people being rude?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a way to fast-forward through your frustration?

There is, and here it is.

Ask yourself, 'How would I feel?

How would I feel if this was happening to me?

How would I feel if I was in this person's shoes?'

We may not like or agree with how someone is treating us, however these four words can help us understand it, which help transform our impatience into empathy.

A man emailed after a Tongue Fu! workshop and said, "Those words 'How would I feel?' changed my relationship with my mother.

She's in an assisted living facility. It had gotten to the point where I dreaded driving out to see her every Saturday because all she ever does is complain. She complains about her roommate, she complains about the food, she complains that no one ever comes to see her.

When you put up the power point slide that said we turn impatience into empathy by asking ourselves those four words, I asked myself:

‘How would I feel if I were in bed 18 hours a day seven days a week?

How would I feel if I didn’t even like my roommate and she played the TV so loud I could hardly hear myself think?

How would I feel if days went by and no one took the time to call or visit?'

It gave me instant perspective. I realized I can deal with this for a few hours every Saturday.

However, you didn't stop there. You suggested that next time we’re impatient with someone, we create what we would like instead of complaining about what we don’t like.

I realized one of the reasons Mom complained so much was because she didn't have anything else to talk about.

So, that next Saturday, I took a photo album with me. A photo of a crazy uncle had us laughing so hard, tears were streaming down our face. A photo of a mountain cabin we went to every summer brought back a whole hour of memories.

That photo album gave us something different to discuss, and it's all because I started seeing things from her point of view instead of only seeing them from mine."

Exactly. Aristotle said, "Many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking."

I think many a relationship is lost for lack of empathy.

Think about it. That man was feeling annoyed and disengaged. His mom was feeling isolated and depressed. He saw her as unpleasant, she saw him as unsympathetic.

If each had continued to focus only on how s/he felt, they would have become more exasperated and estranged.

Asking "How would I feel?" uncovered the cause of her behavior and transformed him into a problem-solver instead of a problem-reporter.

That's just one example of why asking "How would I feel?" can be a shortcut to compassion.

As the Dalai Lama said, "Whenever possible, be kind. it is always possible."

How about you?

Who is someone who is getting on your last nerve? A customer, coworker, kid?

Put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it's like for them. What if what is happening to them was happening to you? How would it feel?

These questions can gets you out of your impatience with their behavior and produce an AHA as to what's behind their behavior which helps you resolve it instead of react to it.

Doing this is worth it - even when you're busy and at the end of your rope.

Because when you respond with kindness, people are more likely to respond in kind.

And that's a win for everyone.

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Sam Horn is the CEO of the Tongue Fu! Training Institute.?Her 3 TEDx talks?and 9?books?have been featured on NPR, in?NY Times,?and taught to Intel, Cisco, YPO, EO. Want to be certified in Tongue Fu so you can teach it to your employees/audiences?