How to Deliver BAD NEWS With Proactive Grace

Have you had to give bad news recently?

It's hard, isn't it?

Thankfully, there are gracious ways to give bad news so at least people know we care.

The first thing we can do is to NOT use the phrases:

There's nothing I can do. It's not my fault. Don't blame me.

We may think that by saying these phrases, people will understand we're not the ones responsible for what's happening, and they'll be less likely to kill the messenger.

In actuality, those phrases can make people more upset because it feels like we're brushing them off and we don't care.

Here's an example that shows how those phrases can come across as dismissive - and what you can say in the future to let people know you do care.

One of our certified Tongue Fu! trainers told me her brother had been having health issues, but had not gone to the doctor because he was afraid what the diagnosis might be.

His condition got worse until he finally went in and had a battery of tests done.

The next day, his doctor called and left a message, asking him to come in with a family member. Gwen's brother knew that couldn't be good news and asked her to go with him.

When they walked into the doctor's office, he was studying some X-rays illuminated on the wall. As soon as they sat down, he said, without even looking at them, "It's Stage 4 cancer. We caught it too late. There's nothing we can do."

That was it. He didn't express any emotion. He just delivered the news with cold finality.

As you can imagine, Gwen and her brother were shocked and devastated.

When Gwen told me this, she said, "I understand he couldn't change the diagnosis. He could have at least delivered it more compassionately.

He could have said, 'I'm sorry, I wish I had better news. It's Stage 4 cancer. There are some things I can suggest. Here's the phone number of a support group in town who ...'

She's right. We may not be able to change the circumstances; we can change the way we communicate those circumstances so people feel we're doing our best to be helpful.

From now on, if you have to deliver bad news, replace "There's nothing" with "There's something." Shift "There's no way I can change this" to "I wish I could change this."

Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I were in this person's shoes? How would I feel if this was happening to me or a loved one? How would I want someone to tell me this?"

Putting yourself in the other person's shoes and imagining what this situation might be like for them can help you come up with comforting words that feel more real and heartfelt.

Whatever you do, don't say, "I understand how you feel." People are likely to say, "You have no idea how I feel."

Instead, use THEIR words couple with "I can only imagine...."

So, if they say, "It's so frustrating to put in all this time and hard work and have it go down the drain," you might want to say, "I can only imagine how frustrating it is to..."

They may say a heartfelt, "Yeah!" and that's when you know you've connected and they feel heard, seen and understood.

James Baldwin said, "We've got to be as clear-headed about human beings as possible, because we are still each other's only hope."

He's right. In the real world, things go wrong and we have to be the bearer of bad tidings.

And many times, we don't have a magic wand we can wave to make the problem go away or instantly make it better.

We can try to be each other's hope and communicate with humanity in stressful situations.

We may not be able to change an unwanted situation; communicating with compassion about that unwanted situation can shape how people feel about us and that situation.

And sometimes, that's the best thing, the only thing, we can do.

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This is excerpted from Sam's bookTalking on Eggshells? More about that here.