Get off Your BUT

Did you know there's a little three letter word that does more damage than any other word in the English language? Here's a scene so you see what I mean.

An association leader told me they had to switch their LIVE annual event to VIRTUAL. Members were really unhappy about this because many had already made travel arrangements, paid for flights, booked hotel reservations, etc.

The email that announced this used the bad news BUT which made things worse:

"We were supposed to meet in Florida, BUT...

"We're sorry we've had to cancel our in-person event, BUT...

"We know you were looking forward to this, BUT...

"We realize many of you already made travel plans, BUT..."

You get the drift. The email made people even angrier - the opposite of what was intended. The conference chair asked, "Sam, how can we Tongue Fu ! this?"

I suggested he send a new email acknowledging people's disappointment and this time replace every single usage of the word BUT with the word AND.

For example, the email could say:

"As you know, we had planned to meet in Florida, AND the cost of the hotel doubled since we made our reservation, AND to honor our budget, we've switched to virtual so you can still connect and benefit from our programs.

"We're sorry to cancel our in-person event, AND we hope you understand we're doing this to practice fiscal responsibility on behalf of our association.

"We realize you were looking forward to getting together in person. We were too. AND we have scheduled numerous interactive breakout rooms to ensure you can connect with your colleagues, get caught up, and swap best-practices."

How about you?

Have you delivered bad news recently? Did you use that three-letter word BUT?

"I'm sorry that happened, BUT..."

"You did a good job, BUT you forgot to..."

"I'd like to help you, BUT..."

"The committee received your proposal, BUT..."

"Our meeting was supposed to start at 9 am, BUT..."

If so, people are thinking you're not really sorry, they didn't do a good job, you're not going to help them, their proposal's been rejected, and the meeting is starting late.

That's because the word BUT cancels what went before it. It creates an either/or, right/wrong, adversarial, oppositional dynamic. So, how do we fix this?

All we have to do is replace the word BUT with AND.

"I'm sorry that happened, AND let's focus on how we can fix it."

"You did a good job on that, AND please remember to copy Accounting."

"I'd like to help, AND I'm headed to the airport. Can I call you tomorrow?"

"I hear what you're saying, AND something we want to keep in mind is..."

"The meeting was going to start at 9, AND we've had an emergency, AND.."

See how the word AND makes what comes before it and after it both true?

The word BUT creates conflicts. The word AND creates cooperation. BUT argues and makes us adversaries. AND acknowledges and makes us allies.

Are you thinking, "I've heard this" or "This makes sense."

The question is, "Are you doing it?"

As my dad used to tell my sister Cheri and me, "Just because something is common sense doesn't mean it's common practice."

You might want to discuss this at your next staff meeting. Ask coworkers where they might be using the word BUT and how they can use AND instead.

You might even want to post a Get Off Your BUT sign in your office to keep your intentions about this this in-sight, in-mind and top-of-mind.

Before sending an email, re-read what you've written and replace BUTS with ANDS. When speaking up in meetings, remind yourself to use AND. Post a NO BUTS sign by your phone to help you "catch and correct." If a BUT slips, quickly change it to AND so people feel heard instead of shut down or shut out.

You might want to post a NO BUTS sign on your refrigerator at home to turn procrastination into action (e.g., "I know I was supposed to feed the dog, BUT" into "I forgot to feed the dog, AND I'll do it right now." "I said I'd go for a run, BUT..." I said I'd go for a run AND I'll go even though I don't feel like it.")

In 20+ years of teaching WORDS TO LOSE AND WORDS TO USE, this simple change of turning a BUT into an AND is the simplest, yet most important, way to get along better with just about anyone, anytime. AND that's a win for everyone.