Words of Encouragement or Belief in Relationship

There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

I greet you with my 2020 MESSAGE :

Have A Great Relationship in LOVE with the Same Person Over and Over Again.

The general expressions of love are, in no particular order: spending time together, giving/receiving gifts, words of encouragement or belief in each others' abilities, helpful behaviors, physical affection, and words of caring or appreciation. 

 Let’s take one example of how an expression of love may have a very different meaning to the giver vs. the receiver. Many of us can remember how wonderful it was to have the complete attention of a parent when we were children; even it was for just an hour or two. 

It may have been time playing outdoors, a special shopping trip, cooking together, watching TV together, or just having time to talk. Your appreciation of that time together might lead you to prioritize such shared activities as expressions of love.

In contrast, your significant other might be looking for a very different sign of love. He may be feeling a greater need for words of encouragement from you. He may not ask you for such encouragement because he assumes that you know what he needs and that you are just unwilling or unable to give love in that way. As a result of not receiving this type of love from you, he may feel less loved by you.

Happiness — as a goal in life — is the wrong goal. Rather than chasing happiness, steadfastly defending the belief that somewhere, somehow, if we find the right thing we will indeed be able to hold onto happiness for good, we need to find a new goal for life.

We need to uncover a state of well-being, deeper than happiness, a state that can survive the swings of circumstance, happiness and unhappiness, gaining and losing what we want and the feelings that make up every human life.

Well-being is an internal state, not dependent upon any external circumstances. It is a result of our attitude towards our feelings, not the nature of the feelings themselves and not the circumstances that are causing the feelings.

It is the comfort that we bring ourselves when disappointment is the cloud in our sky, the gratitude that we invoke when joy floats through, the kindness that we offer whatever feelings pass into and out of our inner landscape, regardless of what they may be. So too, well-being is an ongoing process, not an object that we obtain.

True well-being can only happen in the now, and devolves into an intellectual concept when applied to the past or the future. There is never a moment when we can assume we simply have it; well-being is sustained by paying attention to the moments of our life, being present and noticing what's here. The substance of well-being is our own compassionate presence — a compassion for what we are living now.

The good news is that unlike happiness, the ingredients of well-being are entirely within us — not reliant upon circumstances that are external, perpetually in flux and too often out of our control. At last, we can call off the search for something outside ourselves! Perhaps in the game of life, we can discover our own Platinum Well-Being Status, mindful that it is not a button that we press once and forget, but rather, a way of being that requires our attention in all of the nows that we get to live!

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate. 

Thank you …Why doesn’t he ever give me gifts?

Why can’t she give me the encouragement that I need?

What will it take for him to do his share of the chores at home?

It would be nice to hear that she appreciates me.

These individuals are not just filing complaints with their partners. They are sincerely puzzled as to why their loved ones do not demonstrate love in ways that seem so obvious to them. 

The source of this disappointment is usually a misunderstanding about which different expressions of love are most important to their partners, and vice versa. Each of us has our own expectations and ways of expressing love due to our different life experiences.

A high-quality romantic relationship offers many benefits, including better health and higher reproductive fitness. In their attempt to form such a beneficial relationship, people are guided by mechanisms that evolved to help them identify the most suitable person in their social milieu. For example, they show preference for body odor that signals compatibility with potential mates' immune system.

When they find such a desirable partner, people typically strive to maintain the relationship by employing strategies that protect it against the allure of alternative mates (e.g., being less attentive to and devaluing the attractiveness of alternatives).

Want to add word or two? 

To the extent that contraceptive pill use alters mate preferences, women who had taken hormonal contraceptives while meeting their partner and later discontinued their usage (as many do when they wish to conceive) may feel disenchanted with their initial partner choice.

Indeed, the use of hormonal contraceptives may not only affect initial partner choice but also have unintended consequences for women’s relationship satisfaction if contraceptive pill use subsequently changes.

Prior studies have provided evidence for this hypothesis, indicating that women who had used hormonal contraceptives when they first met their partner and then ceased to take them experience lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and are more likely to get divorced.

Your comment ….?  

Different ideas about what constitutes an expression of love. This is usually because they assume that the other person needs or wants the same expressions of love that they desire. A female client of mine stated her wish that her husband would hold her hand more often as they walked together.

Her husband did not realize how much that meant to her, and it took effort from him to remember to do so. After understanding the importance of telling each other what they needed, he was able to ask for words of caring from her.

That was something that she was not in the habit of saying, but was willing to do for him when she understood its importance.   

 If you have a conversation with your loved one on this topic, you have a much greater chance of giving each other what each of you really needs to feel loved. And, since “not feeling loved “ has been cited in research (Gottman,1999) as a major underlying cause of separation/divorce, this is a conversation worth having.

 Following are some simple guidelines for beginning this conversation with your partner.

Identify what your partner does to express caring, and let him/her know that you recognize and appreciate that action.

 Identify what you are doing now (they may not realize that you were doing this with intent) and tell her/him that this is one way that you express your love.

Ask your partner what he or she most needs as a sign of love from you. You may have to list the six expressions of love, in order to get the conversation going.

Tell your partner what you most need, and suggest that both of you make an effort to give more of what the other needs.

Lastly, always thank the other person for making the efforts to change behavior in ways that improve your relationship.

Positive reinforcement is well-known to be the best way to encourage behavioral change.

True love stories never have endings.