The Wonder and Power of Shallow Relationships

Most people think the phrase “shallow relationships” is negative – even considered by some to be disparaging. In my youth, I was taught shallow relationships were “bad” and deep relationships were “good” and thus I always thought, “The best relationships are the deep relationships”.  While I still feel deep and abiding relationships are vital to a successful, abundant life, I have come to appreciate the value of “shallow relationships”. Let me tell you why.

Having recently relinquished my former role as a Senior Vice President at Vistage International, I have been looking back on all the traveling that role required – even more than when I served as CEO of several public and private high tech companies. I enjoying the travel, even though it took me away from my wife, kids, and grandchildren who live near our home in Boston. One reason I enjoyed this travel is that it provided a platform for interacting with a wide range of people in airports, taxis, shuttle buses, hotels, planes, and restaurants – and of course, business meetings.

Like many people who travel in their work, I invariably encountered a variety of people of all ages, races, religions, cultures, backgrounds, and life experiences. These encounters often were brief, ranging from a couple of hours sitting on a plane next to a young woman from France visiting the US for the first time, to a few minutes in a subway or taxi. Sometimes these encounters were less than a minute or two while standing in line to pay for a sandwich, or as I placed and paid for my order in an airport restaurant.  The common denominator to all these encounters is that they represented somewhat “shallow relationships” due to their brevity and resulting superficial nature. But it didn't always need to be that way. 

Rather than let these moments simply come and go, I began experimenting with taking greater advantage of these chance encounters to listen, question, and when appropriate – comment. Please understand that I am one of those persons who can be easily driven crazy by the non-stop chatty types who are incessantly talking about themselves behind or beside you on the plane. We have all been there and experienced that. By nature, I am more attuned to interesting private and personal chats rather than long, drawn-out chatter by someone displaying a low emotional intelligence or self-awareness score.

Thus, for better or worse, I tend to prefer conversations with people who are interesting, different, down to earth, and who now have intersected with my life journey. When this is the case, I become more open and inquiring of the person next to or across from me, curious to hear more about their life. My favorite conversations have been the simple, yet often very interesting, stories by people who have worked hard (or are still working hard) to overcome difficult challenges ranging from personal and family struggles to business and health issues. These people are not the whiners – they are the strong, persevering types who fast become candidates for my “Unsung Heroes” list.

I have gone so far on a couple of occasions to take small and inexpensive but thought-provoking books on topics of universal commonality and at the end of the brief encounter, offer as a gift that small and usually uplifting book. These books provide timeless messages such as The Way To Wealth by Benjamin Franklin (which has a number of good ideas about saving your money to become wealthy and staying out of debt) or the well written and interesting book Canoe Theory by Dave and Marhnelle Hibbard, a recent addition to my personal library that is thought-provoking and especially appropriate for sales teams and team leaders. 

Other ways of leaving the chance encounter have included simply giving someone encouragement, being complimentary and positive about one aspect of them that I noticed in our brief conversation. Doing this has often produced somewhat surprising results. I cannot adequately describe the way some people have looked at me when I simply offered a sincere compliment or noted a particular attribute in them that was genuine and commented on it, usually with an accompanying smile. One thing that seems to elicit a positive effect is to simply offer words of encouragement such as “Now that I know you a little, I am confident you can handle this” – once again while simply looking them in the eye and smiling. The smile part is important because they say over 55% of all communication is non-verbal. Try it – you will see what I mean.

It seems in many cases that these simple comments and expressions of brief praise or affirmation deeply resonated and “stayed with them”. This has sometimes been manifested in receiving an email within a few days after that shallow and brief encounter expressing appreciation for the “brief, uplifting moment we shared in the Reagan International airport” or the like. These emails were never solicited but were always appreciated. It felt good to know I was able to inject some “positivity” into the life of a total stranger, without any agenda other than to lift or inspire.

Actually, I have been doing these kinds of things for a number of years, with variations on the theme. On one occasion several years ago, I was traveling across country by car with my then-teenage son. We stopped one morning at a local roadside restaurant in western Pennsylvania for breakfast. While there, we both noticed a rather large group of people – around 10 – who were noisily at a table not far from us. Two things caught our attention. First, the group was loud, messy, and demanding - almost rude. And secondly, the waitress who appeared to be in her late 20’s was working hard to meet the demands of this group and provide good service – in spite of the adversity she was undoubtedly feeling. As we watched the scene unfold, the group finally completed their meal, paid for the breakfast, and left – with food and napkins on the floor and the table in disarray.

Upon their departure, the waitress approached the table, likely expecting some sort of tip for all her efforts to effectively serve that large and outspoken group. However, there was no tip and the look on her face said it all. I imagined she was a hardworking, perhaps single mom, who had spent the last hour striving to do a good job for a group of uncaring and unappreciative people. Her downcast expression had no words to describe it.

Realizing this could be a powerful teaching moment for my son, and feeling a sense of “righteous indignation” on her behalf, I said to my son, “Watch this”. We finished our meal, graciously served by the same waitress, and asked for the check – which came to less than $20.00. I then carefully laid down two twenty-dollar bills under the check, rose and began to leave. As we were about to exit, the waitress moved to our table where she saw the $40.00 - and with shocked disbelief, loudly exclaimed “Thank you!” to us. We looked back, waved and left – feeling good that we had experienced a brief, but powerful shallow relationship where we turned a discouraged, unappreciated, hard-working stranger into a person who felt thanked, cared for, and appreciated – all for $20.00 and a smile.

That little episode of real-life drama did not go unnoticed by others in the restaurant. When they realized what had transpired, it inspired others to join in the moment with a round of applause for her. What started out as a day of frustration and a sense of failure, ended feeling cared for and appreciated on the part of that hard-working young waitress. And my son has never forgotten that day or the lessons associated with it.

All this is to say that each of us has opportunities to serve, uplift, and inspire people we encounter. These “little acts of human kindness” result in shoring up the lives of total strangers via brief and shallow relationships. And they have power and wonder for the giver and receiver alike. Try it. You may find an innovative new dimension to life that you never before fully appreciated.

I have - and the power and wonder continue. 

PCT