Women, you don't need to apologize

A few days ago, I was talking to a mentee and we were discussing a project she was working on. In a 20 minute conversation, she apologized about 15 times for taking my time, about 10 times for not knowing how to do something she assumed her manager expected her to know, another 10 times for asking followup questions about something that wasn’t clear to her and a few dozen times for no reason at all. 

Later that evening, I was talking to my mom who was telling me how she was planning to decline an invitation extended to her by someone to come participate in a program. In rehearsing what she would say, she apologized profusely about a dozen times simply because she was saying no to someone.

The next morning, I overheard my wife on a call talking to someone at work. During that short call, she apologized for the call, for disturbing them, for taking their time, for asking a question, for requesting a verification and about 5 other things. 

It really got me thinking whether this was a pattern. I thought back to countless interactions I’ve had with girls and women over the years. It then struck me really hard that women tend to be extremely apologetic about absolutely anything and everything under the sun. Even the strongest, most fiercely independent women I knew seemed to follow that pattern to some extent. Naturally this took me down the internet research rabbit hole on this topic and damn was I in for an eye-opener.

Amy Schumer did a sketch about female thought leaders at a conference who were so busy apologizing on stage that they never got the opportunity to actually share their expertise. It seemed funny until I realized how true it was even in my own interactions at work. Clinical psychologists have demonstrated that by beginning sentences with “I’m sorry but” or “I might be wrong but”, women often undermine themselves. This spirals into a self fulfilling prophecy.

From a young age, boys are taught how being confident and direct is a good thing and to be encouraged. Girls on the other hand are always given an additional line of subtext in the messaging. They are taught to be confident (but not conceited), to be ambitious(but not try too hard), to be assertive (but not offend someone’s feelings); the list goes on and on. 

Apologizing is not a bad thing. It is a very good indicator of empathy and maturity. That said, chronic apologies are killing young girls’ confidence and they grow up full of self doubt. 

This needs to stop. This needs to change. I am going to make it a point to stop my friends, family, colleagues and mentees when I see them apologizing for no reason at all and ask them to make a conscious effort to curtail the habit. I would encourage you all to do the same. Equality begins with the little things; let’s do our bit in making the world more just and equal, one little thing at a time.

#empathy #equality #littleThings