Women at work – turning female misogyny into sisterhood.

It has intrigued me that sometimes ?“women are their own worst enemies” and it's not metaphorical. It is literal.? Like the Mother-in-law who set the daughter-in-law on fire or the mother who expects her child to remain married to her abusive Husband, a modern-day mom who body shames her daughter , the female mid-wife who gives poison to the newborn girl child.

At the same time, there is the inherent nature of caregiving and motherly emotions.

In this article, I wish to explore some possible reasons why things seem to take a turn for the worse.

I',m neither a psychologist to explore the depths of the human mind nor a social worker who works with issues in households. But after 18 years of having worked with people in the workplace, I felt I could atleast table my thoughts about women and corporate careers.

Men close deals and collaborate over just a smoke break or a coffee break. But Iam done complaining about this brotherhood, clearly sisterhood is almost non-existent at the workplace and is a definite cause for concern.

So who is stopping us from forming our own nexus?

US, WOMEN, that’s who. We are stopping ourselves from giving each other a hand. And from my experience as a HR professional and Trainer, I can say that unless we work at this basic lack of sisterhood, any number of career intentionality programs or even a motivational speech by Sheryl Sandberg is going to be forgotten when we leave that training room.

I was thinking, why are we still having issues here??? And here are some reasons (but not limited to) that popped up in my head some possible (but not limited to):

·?????? The Mother trap – I’m not saying this in a derogatory way, I’m a proud mother of 2 beautiful Daughters. But the reality is the inherent guilt that we aren’t there for the child amplifies 100 times as the day draws to an end. I can tell you this confidently because I have felt it every single day in my career. But this feeling is not going to go away ever, so why not take a pause today and share some tips, review a CV, offer a connection? Who knows this might be the break your female colleague was waiting for ??

·?????? Confidence gap/imposter syndrome – many researches have shown that more women suffer from imposter syndrome than men. “I’m not even sure how I got here, just got lucky possibly”. “No way that I’m going to expose myself to the team, It will only be a matter of time they figure out I probably don’t deserve to be here” or “My knowledge is very superficial, I am far from being an expert, no way ‘im going to be able to mentor another woman”. So on and so forth. Visualizing success, surrounding yourself with positive well-wishers, and most importantly learning to be kind to yourself. After all, charity begins at home. I welcome you to read my article on "confidence gap". https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/aparnagv_selfawareness-confidencegap-selfconfidence-activity-7170304454318022656-l5dM?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop

·?????? Inherent insecurity – “If I teach her everything I know and share all the connections, she might move up the hierarchy faster than me”. While this could happen to any gender, this attitude will hurt us more because we are already marginalized in hundreds of ways. Knowledge is a funny beast, it grows more as you share, and the best way to be an expert is to teach the skill to someone else. So share wholeheartedly, I'm sure there is more from where it came from ??

·?????? Caregiving/ other unpaid responsibilities – Whether it's cooking or laundry or taking care of someone at Home, the woman is expected to be available. Resisting any of this would get us stamped as “arrogance” or maybe even result in abuse in some households. Ask for help from loved ones or even your househelp, you might be pleasantly surprised, take a hard look at your relationships, it may not be worth continuing that toxic relationship. If you still need to rush back home, it's alright. It is ok to wait for the right time. Remember tough times do not lost but tough people do.

·?????? Blaming it on society – “Even if I lend a helping hand, what’s the point society is going to push her down anyways so why give false hope that help is at hand”. Why not let her make that call? You might be the one who changed the tide for her.

·?????? No one helped me through my corporate journey, I had to figure out a way for myself so let her find her own. Equity is overrated. But my dear Soul sister, that’s exactly why you should be helping, you are a warrior who has braved through the battlefield of life with all its obstacles so who else can teach other women to win than you?!!

?It is very recently that I started to explore another angle - misogyny.

Wait, wait are we talking about “THE” misogyny, the hatred for, prejudice against women? Yes, we are however shocking it may be.

There is such a thing as female misogyny though it is not as well researched as the male misogynistic character. We see it all around us. The dowry harassment, female infanticide, lack of women in leadership positions.

A recent study by social intelligence company Brandwatch among 4 million Tweets revealed that women are more likely than men to use misogynistic language than men and the misogynistic language focused largely on sexual promiscuity and slut shaming while men use objectifying language.

Judging, and stereotyping each other is what we seem to be doing.

An article in Psychology Today threw some light here;

The misogynistic Puritan – believes in the idealistic feminine behavior of being nurturing and subservient. The MIL or Mother who says that caregiving is a Woman’s responsibility. “men can bring home the earnings”. “Sorry I cannot take up this role, it involves travel and I will have to get back home on time”

The self-critic – disdain towards women who are not feminine. “women are becoming too much like men”. “Just see how she dresses up, now is she also going to grow a mustache”

The self-loather – loathes everything about women, and herself. This would explain the self confidence gaps and imposter syndromes. Or the ones who breaks down when a girl child is born, “I was praying it to be a a boy”

and the she-devil who sees herself as superior to other women. The Psychologist says she may be the one who is in constant competition with other women and would be the one who kicks out other women from their careers. The mother who says “no” to her daughter studying further and gets her married off, afterall she didn’t get to study and she is doing fine.

Women with these misogynistic characters are normal people like us but when they see other women who do not fall into their pre-defined molds, their antenna goes up. And the resistance builds.

Inevitably all of us are part of the problem, its quite possible that I might have either gone through some of this or I might have caused them myself.

Do I have a clear, obvious solution, I may not. But awareness is the first step to solving most problems. Here I’m tabling this female misogynist attitude which many of us do not know it exists or do not want to acknowledge. Let us take one tiny step at a time

We all gatekeep as if its no one’s business, I gatekeep a recipe, a beauty secret, I gatekeep my mantra for success.

As a woman, as a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a leader at work all these intersections is who I am, ?and yes there are umpteen number of anxieties and insecurities. But that does not mean I excuse myself from sharing and caring for other women.

When there are glass ceilings and icy corridors and our own body clock working against the career progression, the feeling of sisterhood- Mentoring, guiding, guiding other women a hand is can make unbelievable difference to another Woman and is a sure fire way to making ?the workplace inclusive.

It is usually said that , we write our destiny by the choices we make. The truth is you might actually help write someone else’s destiny through your decisions. I say this as someone who has had life altering experiences because of wonderful Mentors.

My dear SOUL SISTER, let us share and care for one Woman at a time.

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