Women, why are you so sorry?
I have the honor of raising a three-year-old named Harper who is my little hero. She is without a doubt is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Last night at dinner, Harper was helping me set the table, and she dropped an ice cube. Obviously, one less ice cube in a glass is not going to end the world yet Harper’s reaction will forever color my perception. Suddenly my sweet girl crumbled and said “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, it’s my fault, it’s my fault” and she broke down. After calming down I spoke with her unable to figure out where her feelings came from. I believe we should never apologize for our feelings; they belong to us, and we should only apologize for wrongful actions. Misty eyed, I stayed awake until 3 am scouring anything and everything to help guide me in being a better dad with the hope of creating a better situation for my daughter. It’d be easy to say that x, y, and z are the answer, but understanding behavior is never easy. I did, however, learn more about “I’m sorry.”
Beyond being a total jerk, getting upset with a customer, or completely dropping the ball on a project, I cannot remember the last time I said: “I’m sorry.” I actually think I say booger more than I say I’m sorry. This is probably more of a reflection of my childish sense of humor than my level of emotional intelligence.
I did learn that women tend to apologize more than men for their behavior and actions whether it’s warranted or not. According to a research study published by psychological science, cites women tend to apologize more simply due to feeling like more actions and behaviors are offensive. Women find it more offensive to be in someone’s way or being late on a payment than men do. Hence the reason I laugh at boogers and women cringe at them.
However, I do not think it is as simple as “The Booger” theory. Raised in a conflicting culture full of mixed messages about expectations girls grow up with a different perspective on success. Boys are raised in a success-oriented environment--’win the game and I will praise you for it’ perspective. Be assertive and confident so that you can climb the social and economical ladder is embedded in young male minds from the start.
Girls, on the other hand, receive messages that are difficult for young minds to process.
● Be confident yet gracious
● Be assertive yet allow superiors to make decisions
● Learn as much as you can but nobody likes a “know it all”
● Be in touch with your emotions but only behind closed doors
Girls’ thoughts and feelings are limited by these ideals. The effect of staying tuned in to one’s emotions yet keeping them at bay could be one contributing factor to why women are more emphatic. From a young age, girls are taught to gauge how their emotions affect others around them.
Apologizing for one’s actions is the very first way young girls understand how to express empathy. Apologizing takes hold on a girl’s ability to be assertive and confident in the future if every action made ends with the thought “How did I make that person feel?” Slowly, this behavior starts to erode a girl’s power from the foundation of her life.
As a girl grows, she begins to apologize more and more
● I’m sorry, can you explain that again?
● I’m sorry I can’t make it
● I’m sorry, am I in your way?
● I’m sorry, were you using this?
So as girls progress into adulthood, there is a difference in the perception of power between men and women. While there is power in speech, like a transformer, there is more to this than meets the eye. The simple elimination of the word I’m sorry will be a start. By saying
● The way you explained it wasn’t clear….
● My schedule is full, I’m sure you understand that I can’t make it
● Thank you for moving
● May I use this?
Shifting the focus for girls from that of “I’m Sorry” begins with teaching them when to use the phrase, and when not too. It’s about instilling confidence and self-worth rather than relying on politeness as a vehicle to climb the social and economic ladder in life. You are not apologizing for yourself when there is no need to.