Women vs. the Workplace: the Role of Motherhood in Gender Discrimination

Ten years ago, almost day for day, I was having lunch on a sunny patio at the Stanford Linear Accelerator Center, where I was working on my PhD. A few physicists, both students and more senior staff (all male), were there as well. The conversation started pretty smoothly: status of projects, upcoming conferences, a few nerd jokes. A nice little breeze was blowing, keeping us cool in spite of the blazing sun. It was just a lovely, peaceful californian day. But the peace was bound to stop when one of the most senior people present suddenly changed the subject:

"Have you heard that Pr. X's wife is pregnant again?"

"No way! Are you serious? How many kids do they have already?"

"It will be their third one. Crazy, huh? Poor X., he must be so terribly exhausted!"

"Yeah, I just don't understand why his wife can't leave him alone. It seems that having kids is all that matters to women."

"I hope X is able to get some rest, dealing with a pregnant woman is not easy, this is not fair to him. He has other things to take care of right now. Did she even think of his career?"

I just sat there, flabbergasted. Did I just hear things right? Were these men implying that one of our colleagues was a victim of his viciously pregnant wife? Actually, until that point in time, I was under the impression that it takes two to make a baby. Besides, did they have no shame saying this kind of things in front of me, a woman?

At the time, I was still young and nowhere as assertive as I can be today, so I just ignored the conversation, stared at my food and pretended not to be there. I deeply regret to this day that I didn't have the guts to just stand up and leave the table to show my indignation. Some would say that I should have taken their behavior as a compliment, something like: "Jennifer, we know you are not one of these women who don't understand what it takes to build a career". Honestly, all I could see here was a terrible case of misogyny.

That episode brought me to ponder if, as a woman, I would be treated as an equal by my male coworkers. Of course, even at the time, I had had already many clear proofs that my career was never going to be smooth sailing. But besides the traditional gender gap, there was now the question of whether motherhood would make my professional life even more complicated.

These questions are very important ones for all women to answer nowadays. True, more and more people today acknowledge that a woman can perform as well as a man as long as she doesn't have children. However, as soon as motherhood is involved, things seem a bit different. A woman's mother instinct overrides her sense of professional commitment, they say. She will have to leave work early to pick up the kids. And, after all, hasn't the President himself said that "pregnancy is an inconvenience to employers"?

Let's consider the following question: is it possible that women, in particular mothers, are not discriminated against because of their gender, but because their family obligations truly make them less available, less committed, less focused? Or are employers and colleagues seeing motherhood as an excuse to justify their misogynistic worldview?

It is impossible to give an answer, because unfortunately with motherhood (defined as the status of being a mom) comes the traditional responsibilities of acting as a mom.

Or is it...?

Getting somewhat of an answer would take the case of a mother essentially free of her mother responsibilities, who would not need to pick up the kids from school daily, who would not need to help with homework, who would not need to bring the kids to soccer practice, and would not need to go grocery shopping twice a week...

Such a woman just doesn't exist, right?

A few years after that dreadful lunch at SLAC, I decided to emigrate from France to the U.S. in order to pursue my career. On the other hand, my fiance, Xavier, had a promising career as a trader and a quantitative analyst awaiting him in Europe. Our life together seemed impossible.

But then Xavier made an admirable choice, and against all odds decided to give everything up and join me on my american adventure. According to him, I was more promising than he could ever be, and he wanted to facilitate my career even at the cost of losing his. To set the context, Xavier had graduated with a Master's in Finance, and it was highly unlikely that a company would sponsor him for a H1B. His profile was highly attractive, but not rare enough to justify the need for any american company to hire a foreigner in any of the roles that would have been well suited for him. And as my dependent, Xavier would be under a H4 visa which would not allow him to work under any condition. By choosing to follow me, he literally chose to sacrifice his career.

But that's not all: unsurprisingly, both our families failed to understand our situation. The wife being the sole breadwinner was just not on their list of suitable family structures. Finally, I will add that I come from a very modest family, and that given his decision, Xavier's relationship with his parents was gloomy - at best - after we got married, which means that we had no external financial support whatsoever.

This is the context in which I started my career. An entirely dependent husband, no savings, no backup plan, no support system, no social coverage in the event of an emergency, and the constant threat of losing our legal status in the US if I lost my job for any reason. Saying that it was stressful is a gross understatement.

For better or for worse, I convinced myself that I could make it through all this only by inhibiting my 'feminine side'. I promised myself I would never let any 'weakness' come through. I worked later than anyone, would almost never take PTO and would go to work, no matter how sick or tired. I always tried my best to hide my feelings - fear, anger or pain - no matter the cost to my health and well-being.

In spite of all of this, Xavier and I decided that we wanted a family of our own: remember that our families were far away and still emotionally distant, and we were both feeling very lonely. So, eventually, I got pregnant. I worked until the day our first daughter was born in spite of a very severe case of pre-eclampsia, and went back to work after 6 weeks. Then, 4 years later, our second daughter arrived.

We are now a family of 4: a hyperactive 4-year old, a bubbly 8-month old, a workaholic working mom, and a passionately committed stay-at-home dad. We are the stereotypical family, except for one detail: mom is the breadwinner, while dad takes care of the kids.

Remember that Xavier had voluntarily chosen to give up his hopes for a career. So, naturally, he now takes a lot of pride into making sure that his sacrifice was not vain. He does everything that is humanely possible to make me successful and allow me to achieve my full potential. Therefore, he asks very little of me, and never blames me for not helping enough. Even when sick, Xavier doesn't ask me to take time off to help at home. He goes out of his way to ensure that I am not disturbed by the girls when working from home. If I have to come home late on his birthday, he does not get angry. And when baby wakes up in the middle of the night, he is usually the one volunteering to take care of her, so that I can be well rested for my next day at work.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't spend time with my family, or that I don't help out - I actually spend a decent amount of quality time with both my husband and the girls. It means, however, that I am 100% free of any family-related constraint, that I can choose to stay at work late if required by my schedule, that I can travel as much as needed, and that I can essentially function like a single professional with no dependent.

So now that the context is set, let's go back to our question: are mothers discriminated against in the workplace because of their mother status, or because of the fact that their mother responsibilities make them indeed less performant and committed?

Here are some pointers related to a few anecdotes I encountered over the past few years and in several different companies:

1. Some time back, one of my colleagues (let's call him A) blamed me for setting up a meeting too late for my other colleague B who had to pick up his daughter. A proceeded to tell me, with a very patronizing tone, that I had to realize that B had children, and that I would see how hard parenthood is if I ever had children myself. I smiled and told A that I actually had two young children. Remembering his face never fails to make me laugh. This episode is a nice proof that based on my routine and behavior at work, people would not even suspect I have children.
2. In spite of that, this same colleague (A) used to regularly dismiss ideas I would suggest, while praising the very same ideas from male colleagues. I once went to work with a fever and he commented on how sickly women are, while he himself had a habit to regularly work from home whenever he was not feeling well. Women often have to deal with a double standard that have nothing to do with the fact that they have to fulfill their obligations as a mother.
3. On the rare occasion when I leave work early (meaning 5pm as opposed to 7pm) I have been frequently told that it was highly inconvenient that I always had to leave early because my "habits" were delaying a project. Interestingly, this kind of comments typically comes from people known to get into the office after 10:30am on a daily basis. I get as much (if not more) criticism by occasionally taking part in my child's activities as men regularly leaving early to pick up their children at school would. Mothers leaving early are considered irreverent, while men leaving early are gladly forgiven and even celebrated for their commitment to their family.
4. I have been told over and over again that I was surprisingly productive for a mom, and that I could do my job almost as well as a single woman. In the meantime, an underperforming male colleague who had recently had a baby was not held accountable for not delivering results because he "was a very strong performer but needed time to figure things out." This is a typical case of the prove-it-again paradigm: female top performers have to prove themselves again once they become mothers, while male top performers are being judged on their performance prior to becoming dads.
5. I have been asked several times by recruiters (explicitly or in a sneaky way) if I had a family. Needless to say, I am usually not recontacted (thankfully so) after answering that this is none of their business. Women are expected to justify their family status, and mothers are given bad points from the start, while men are much less likely to be asked their family situation.
6. I was also informed (a while back) that I should not be surprised if one of my male colleagues was given the promotion I deserved because it is naturally more appealing for management to bestow responsibilities on someone who could actually commit to the company rather than on a woman with young children in tow. Again, it is often assumed that women cannot take on management positions because of their children, while men are being promoted regardless of their family situation. Motherhood is often stated as a reason for not promoting a young woman.
7. Finally, not related to my situation specifically, but still noteworthy: I occasionally hear from male coworkers that a female colleague about to deliver was soon going "on holiday". It doesn't seem that these people comprehend the level of exhaustion that comes along with the arrival of a newborn. It is very unfortunate because it means that a young mom going back to work after her maternity leave will be discriminated against for many months to come ("She just comes back from a 3-month holiday, and she is going on holiday again?").

Unfortunately, these are just a few mere examples out of hundreds of comments and situations I have encountered over the course of my career. In fact, I have been through much more serious situations which I deliberately choose to skip here because they would deserve an entire article devoted to them. And while I have to say that my current employer is offering a much more equitable environment compared to my previous places of employment, even the most pro-equality company can never control the behavior of all its employees. Real meaningful progress in that sense can only be made once realization happens at a societal level...

I think these examples are enough to state that my experience shows that no matter my devotion to my employer (even to the point of making my colleagues feel like I didn't have a family), and no matter how much I prioritize work over family, I kept hearing the same old mottos: motherhood makes a woman a less desirable employee, a woman should not expect to be able to "have it all", etc. This never fails to revolt me when I think of the heroic sacrifice my husband chose to make for the sake of my career, and of the extraordinary job he does every day of his life to allow me to pursue my dreams.

It is high time that employers stopped hiding behind fake excuses and justifying their unfair treatment of women and mothers with an hypothetical difference in professional commitment and performance. The workplace is full of passionate women who define themselves as career-oriented professionals, but who also happen to be proud mothers. In fact, as moms, they often strive to show the right example to their children which can make them ideal role models for their coworkers, and outstanding leaders within their field of expertise.

On this International Women's Day, let's remind everyone that motherhood is neither a disease nor a weakness. And neither is womanhood.