Women Supporting Women

Back in July, in a time when we all thought that 2020 couldn’t possibly get any worse (haha, who were we kidding?) a fortuitous moment occurred. Millions of women were finding their DM’s on Instagram fill up with beautiful messages from their friends, challenging them to support one another by posting a black a white photo of themselves and #ChallengeAccepted for a campaign centered around women supporting women.

Personally, I couldn’t have asked to see these inspiring and supportive messages on any other day as I happened to be driving to my brother’s burial. Surprisingly, social media pulled through, for once making people feel better about themselves.

A couple of months later, it got me thinking. Why are we not seeing trends like this happen more frequently in a professional setting? I’ve been extremely privileged in many ways, one of which has been having strong female figures who believed in me, supported me and ultimately, helped me grow. Effectively giving me the toolkit to break through the proverbial glass ceiling. To my surprise, their guidance wasn’t a-typical advice given to women for success in the workplace.

We’ve all read the horrific stories published over the years by former leaders from top companies, explaining their company’s approach to learning programs tailored to emerging female leaders. I’m not going to go there! Instead, I’m going to share snippets of some intimate conversations I’ve had with strong women I consider friends over the past couple of years:

The first, a female founder who left the male dominated financial brokerage arena to start her very own business.  I asked her what it was like (given I was working in FinTech and every time I entered the weekly leadership strategy meeting, I was the only female surrounded by 18 white men, most of them 15yrs my senior) and she responded, “I can be me again and embrace my feminine side.  Want to wear that cute new dress? Absolutely - no one to say I need to dress down to fit in or questioning my intentions by wanting to feel good and dress up.  Need to hop out for half a day to do something fun with my partner?  Yes!  No judgement.”  When working in Finance before her own firm, she said she had to dress down so she didn’t bring attention to herself and fit in with the “guys”.

The second, a female consultant in media I consider a sister.  Got so fed up with the double standards for women, went out on her own, to make the same salary dedicating a third of the time.  Over a glass of wine she shared her experience in the past - being petite, she purposely deepened her voice and walked like a man into meeting rooms to garner credibility and to be seen as a peer among her male counterparts.  She also never spoke of her family status or children.  God forbid you have a picture on your desk that suggests your focus be anywhere but work.

The third, an emerging leader who left a big firm to find more sustainable growth and balance.  She was asked to join a leadership program at her new job geared towards two parts of her identity.  Two parts that were uncomfortable to bring to work based on the social norms.  Her former employer was recently put on blast during #metoo for empowering women in leadership through training that included how to dress and act nicely - a seminar with the sentiment of “fix the women”.  We discussed the disconnect she was feeling.  Needless to say, she avoided the invitation to join the training. 

I could go on and on, but I won’t. TLDR:

Let women be their authentic selves and you will see value add to your leadership ranks, not assimilation to traditionally “male” leadership qualities.

The point is, aside from the obvious gender barriers that still exist today, we women also get in our own way. It’s called “Queen Bee Syndrome”.

Unfortunately, when it comes to women in leadership, it’s more about defending ourselves, not the hive.  Queen Bee syndrome refers to women in authority or power who treat subordinate females worse than males purely because of their gender. The theory has a lot of academic support and was first documented by T.E Jayarante, C. Tavris and G.L. Staines in 1973.

But, why?! How can we challenge our bad behaviors? How can we learn from each other in an effort to support one another?

I’ve asked a close group of badass senior leaders, who happen to identify as women, to chat with me about this topic. First, a bit about these wonderful ladies (and myself if you’re curious)…

Tell me what I wouldn’t know about you by looking at your LinkedIn profile...

Kadie Ann Bowen - “At my core, I am a true blue introvert. I learned quickly in my career that I had to navigate that. Finding the areas of my job that allowed me to be more personable and connect with people has been key. You’ll never find me working the room at a happy hour, but I’ll definitely take you up on a 1:1 coffee chat.”

Jennifer Longnion - “Pretty sure I was the only kid in my family whose allowance was docked for repeatedly saying ‘I’m bored’. What cost me dearly as a child - literally! has made my life and career a lot more interesting. My aversion to boredom fuels me. On every vacation, I insist on doing something we’ve never done - sleeping in a chuckwagon, working on a sheep farm, sea kayaking through desolate islands - I’m never bored and always learning something new. The same is true for my career - I like to do new things in different industries and the more uncharted and unstructured, the better.”

Lindsay Kresch - “I truly love people. I find them fascinating, exciting, and surprising. Covid has been awful for me since I cherish the random encounters on an airplane or in a bar. I love others for who they are and am interested in how they got that way. I have my Master’s in Clinical Mental Health counseling and the Therapist in me is hard to turn off. I am constantly building schemas.”

And me, Nicole Hopkins - “I’ve been told my ‘polish’ sometimes creates a perception of being too ‘stuffy’ before getting to know me. I take professionalism seriously, but I will tell you what’s on my mind, even if it’s half baked or not what you want to hear. Growing up with the five brothers in a blue collar mining town has given me a colorful vocabulary. Starting my career in 5 star hotels overseas was an adjustment. That polish can be turned off and on with ease and I secretly love that it keeps people guessing.”

Questions we’d love to know your perspective on:

Speaking of Queen Bee syndrome: what behaviors have you witnessed women do in the workplace that represents the antithesis of supporting one another?

Kadie: “Two things I see are somewhat related. I’ve been in situations where women become very senior in the workplace and a fear sets in that creates belief they cannot be aligned due to perception. If you believe in something, speak up. Don’t leave someone out to dry just because. Another thing that is related is that I despise when women emulate the way they think men would respond. It’s not authentic and you can tell by the execution they believe modeling bad behaviors is appropriate because that is what’s rewarded. It shows that you cannot find strength in your identity as a woman.”

Jennifer: “Working for many years in diversity, I was often disheartened to see the disenfranchised wearing each other down while fighting over the same small piece of pie. I still see that today with many women leaders who tear each other down instead of lift each other up. The eye rolls, the furrowed brow, the caddy gossip - when you go after another woman, it destroys her credibility. However, we need to realize that it destroys all of our credibility, influence and inevitably impact. We have to stand by, for, and with each other if we want things to change.”

Lindsay: “Similar to everyone else I've seen quite a bit of gossip and undermining comments. When I worked at IBM, it was still sort of the time where there was only one seat at the table for women. I haven't seen really any of it though since moving to more of the small-company model. We are female-owned and out number the men!”

Nicole: “Gossip! I’ve been in both companies and teams where I’ve seen gossip destroy psychological safety and trust in what should be our biggest support structures. I have no tolerance for it and that’s gotten me in trouble in the past for ‘not playing the game’. I blame this on the impact of growing up with brothers and wanting to be both direct and kind with the benefit of the other person in mind when sharing difficult feedback. I prefer my reality drama on TV in the form on Love Island or Bachelor in Paradise, thanks.”

What’s one thing women should start or stop doing to further self-advocacy?

Kadie: “I think stereotypical women live and breathe their jobs. They take on the identity of their workplace. I’d like women to start thinking about their work as one part of their personal brand. Changing your perspective in this way will help you decide what work you take on, what decisions you make to further your personal brand. You need to ask, how will this benefit me? vs. how will this benefit just my current role. I’d love to see women prioritize their personal brand more, with their current role being one piece of their overall identity.”

Jennifer: “The one thing I’d like to see all women stop doing...asking for permission. I hear women ask for a day off and explain it’s because they don’t have daycare. Men don’t do that. They just say they aren’t coming in that day. I hear women ask for forgiveness when they are late on a deliverable. Men just say, ‘here you go.’ I also hear women apologize before they share their opinion with ‘I may be wrong here, but…’ Ladies, expect more, expect better. You don’t need to ask for permission. If you keep asking, you make it easy for someone to say, ‘No’.”

Lindsay: “I would say it is most important to show up in an authentic way. In general, we don’t like or trust people who come across as phony and false. We can spot ‘something is off’ and as a result we notice inauthenticity. As a leader, start owning who you are. It is not possible to show up and model leadership for others if you are wishy-washy on communication and leadership. The other tid bit here is if you aren’t yourself and you fall flat in a situation, you will never know if it was you or your alter ego that fell short.”

Nicole: “I’d love to see more women take advantage of their network and the resources right in front of them. Too often I will coach someone junior in their career and hear they don’t have someone they can learn from. Often, it’s just that they haven’t looked hard enough. I can’t count how many times I’ve called in my network, my mentors, my friends and heck, even family in adjacent careers to discuss what they’ve been through and how they persevered. We have so much knowledge to share with one another, if only we could put the imposter syndrome aside and be vulnerable enough to ask for the knowledge in the spirit of learning.”

You’ve had what most would consider a successful career. What event, person or circumstance do you attribute your success to?

Kadie: “My mother was a big champion for the core values of appreciation and genuine connection. Throughout my career, these values have shown through and allowed others to take a risk on me and let me impress them, rising to the occasion of the challenge. No one in my family went to college. I spent time at the library and the relationship with that librarian led to her helping me complete my application. She took her time to invest in me and that’s happened time and time again in my career. I try to do the same for others now. You need honest, genuine influences who will tell you like it is for the intent of making you better.”

Jennifer: “My father - he instilled an extreme sense of independence in me - never wanting me to rely on anyone for my own safety, security or happiness. He opened my checking account when I learned to write cursive at age seven. He taught me to drive when I was twelve. He passed down some old furniture so I could move out at age seventeen. I knew that everything I achieved in life was up to me, and that the only one who could get in my way - also me. Extreme independence, over time, led to unwavering self-assurance -- recognizing that I am truly in charge of my life - not a hostage, not a victim, not limited by someone else and what they think of my potential. It starts with what I believe about myself. So when people ask how I got to a top job at a company, my reply is simple. I never thought it wasn’t mine to have.”

Lindsay: “My CEO, Carrie Kish constantly says ‘if you can’t be a great example, be a terrible warning’. I have had so many people, situations, and instances in my life that showed me exactly what NOT to do. It is a bit of negative psychology, however, running away from something is not always bad. My colleague Ken Perlamn, also says, ‘outrage can be a great motivator’. I agree. I was outraged at how I was treated as a direct report in my tech career. I used my outrage to shape who I am and how I can help for good.”

Nicole: “My mom has shaped my career, or should I say work ethic, from an early age. Whether it be moving across the country with three kids as a single mom, working in retail...bringing me with her on weekend shifts to ‘help’ to leaving a stable job to start her own business - my Mom has always encouraged me to chase my dreams and make things happen. That mindset eventually led to my approach to HR work, which is and will always be ‘do the job as if you didn’t need it in the first place, for it’s the only way to work in HR and do it well.’ This has led to hard decisions including leaving companies and difficult boundary setting conversations - those decisions and discussions all point back to values instilled by my mom.”

What’s something you hear about your own style that highlights an opportunity for the way women represent their personal brand?

Kadie: “Non-verbals.” When discussing this question, Kadie and I both started cracking up, hence the concise response. If you know Kadie like I do, you know her eyes and expressions will tell you exactly what she is thinking. It’s her superpower. I’ve shared this story later in the article if interested in how our CEO set us up to support one another over a candlelit dinner.

Jennifer: “I’m always perplexed when people commend me for being real. Authenticity is something we should expect from every leader. It garners respect and credibility, and when it comes to being uniquely you - you never have to worry about screwing it up.”

Lindsay: “People always joke about how many questions I ask. I am genuinely curious. Ask questions and learn more. You can model your personal brand on what you know and what you will know.”

Nicole: “I can’t tell you how many times I go into a difficult feedback session with someone and they thank me for sharing it with them and comment that it’s the first time they’re hearing this particular feedback. In the past a male boss told me that I’m ‘too nice’. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my directness and kindness combined are unique and I don’t want to change my style to appease a male mental model of what leadership should look like.”  

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Wow. Every time I have the opportunity to learn from Kadie, Jenn and Lindsay, I realize exactly why they are leaders I admire, stay close with and rely on. When you spend 80% of your waking hours working, you’ve got to stop to think about the people you surround yourself with.  

As women, we have an obligation to support one another, make space for one another and build strong networks with one another. That investment will pay dividends. 

Added bonus - it doesn’t stop with work - these working relationships can bloom into some lifelong friendships. Remember that story I promised earlier? Let me begin…

Kadie and I hadn’t worked together very long, but we knew quickly how one another’s role, style and influence could support one another at work. Our Co-Founder and CEO, Michael, saw this budding working relationship opportunity as well. It started with a call into Michael’s office - “Are you free for dinner next Friday? I want to take you and Kadie to dinner.” No sooner had I said “that sounds great” and began walking to my desk and an invite popped up on my phone from his amazing Chief of Staff, Kristina. 

Kadie and I met in the hallway later that day. “We’re going to Penguini!” We laughed and joked about the romantic dinner plans that awaited us. If you know Penguini, you know the waiter is always wonderful, providing in depth descriptions of their authentic handmade pastas and don’t forget the special...it’s always sea bass! The dinner was everything we thought it would be - candles, ambience and lots of yummy food and wine. Michael explained why Kadie and I should “get to know each other” and “hangout more”. Little did he know we had already found one another, but I so appreciated his intentions with his matchmaking. He explained to me that his favorite thing about Kadie is her side-eye looks that tell him exactly what she’s thinking and it’s his favorite quality about her. Looking back, I totally get it and it’s one of my favorite things about Kadie today. We occasionally revisit this story as it’s met with laughter and memories of our time working together, which feels so long ago (startup years will do that).

I can confidently say I would have NEVER experienced some of my best memories if it wasn’t for these friendships. Bachelorette parties, kid’s birthdays, adventures to Stonewall in New York, Tai Chi in a very public park, Hamburger Mary's farewells, Socanomics, Plyojam and the list goes on. I can only speak for myself as an HR professional - it’s hard to build meaningful friendships at work that last beyond your tenure at the company. That doesn’t mean you can’t foster them through working relationships and nurture lifelong friendships as a result. At the end of the day, these women are my former colleagues, current network and lifelong friends. I hope every woman reading this can reflect and appreciate the women they support and who support them. And if you find yourself thinking… how can I build a network like that? Often it starts by looking at what’s in front of you.

Huge shout out to Lindsay, Jennifer and Kadie for collaborating on this article with me and opening up to share your experiences. I also want to shout out the numerous other women who have and do continue to support me personally and professionally. There are so many of you, I’m going to tag you in the comments. 

Feeling gratitude for the women who’ve contributed to your career? I challenge you to make their day and let them know... #ChallengeAccepted.