Women, Success & Equality - A Perspective
Henrietta Decruz
Founder Entrepreneur - Rehale | Writer | Singer Songwriter | Changemaker
It started with a harmless search. I was searching for a daily routine template as I felt I needed to improve how I use my time. The search threw up some articles and I found an article which shared information about the daily routines of 7 famous entrepreneurs, all of whom were men.1
I was fine till I saw an image of the ‘strict daily routine’ followed by Benjamin Franklin. No offence to him or anyone else... but I burst out laughing. It took me a while to get my composure back.??
Suddenly I saw it was easy for men to meet with ‘success’ because they had the luxury of time and hardly any of household or family responsibilities that women have. We often find that many ‘successful’ women have support from their husbands and family members.
Looking back I see how many years of my life were focused on family and their needs, due to which I had to push aside my dreams, desires and ideas which could have made me a lot more ‘successful’ than I am today. I had to choose between the wellbeing of my family and the road to success. Being a ‘responsible’ person I could not say ‘No’ to family responsibilities.?
We need to stop pitting men against women to compare which of them are more ‘successful’. In a race, there are categories and all the participants are in the same category with something in common. In the matter of success, men just don’t have the same amount of ‘work’ to do when compared with all that a woman does on a daily basis.
Consider what a woman does for a whole day, week or month and make a parallel comparison with what a man does in the same time. What do you find? A majority of men have a lot of ‘me’ time outside of work and can afford to spend time with friends, go for trips and even forget about house/ home/ family for periods of time. And while I say that, I want to acknowledge that there are some men who are raising kids alone as single fathers and taking care of their house at the same time.?
Why this is important to me
It started on the day I was born. When my father discovered I was a girl, he rejected me. I discovered some years back that he had not carried me in his arms for the first three months of my life. My mother tried her best to get my father to accept me. She even dressed me up as a boy so I could receive his acceptance. It partly worked because he allowed me to watch and learn as he repaired the radio and fixed things around the house. I managed to repair a radio that was thrown away and repair a clock too! Those were the few good memories I had.
However, I suffered so much trauma as a child caused that my mind covered up most of the painful memories of my childhood. Besides that at the age of 9 my mother told me about my father’s rejecting me for being a girl and this broke me completely. I cried in the store room for days until I could cry no more. And finally when I emerged from it, I had made a decision that I would prove to my father that I was as good as a boy.
In a way that decision changed my life for good as it gave me permission to do my best and not think about the boundaries that conditioning usually places on girls. I remember learning about Leonardo da Vinci in class. I was very inspired that he could do so many things. I too tried my hand at everything and surprisingly did well in most of them! I was very fortunate that my school - St. Francis DeSales School in Janakpuri, New Delhi, was a school that had many extra-curricular activities. I discovered I was an all rounder.??
Growing up I chose to become a social worker as I wanted to make a difference in the lives of those who are less fortunate. I give credit to my school for introducing me to social work. During visits to Nari Niketan I met a gang rape victim, this left a deep imprint on my mind. I realized that the problems I faced for being rejected as a girl were not as serious as hers were and that those in such situations needed help.
When life took another turn?
Social work played a big role in my choice of life partner. However, it was a marriage that brought me more trauma, caused me to lose my sense of identity and pushed me to the brink. I would have taken my life but God intervened and saved me using my little son. When we separated I had to leave all the work we had done together behind and walk away with nothing. I had to start my life from scratch again but this time, I had a little child to care for too.
It was not easy since there was a lot of trauma from childhood that needed healing. It meant that there was one more major trauma I had to deal with while figuring out how to move further in life. I couldn’t stop to take a break to heal all by myself as my child needed care and I was the only person responsible for him. A duty I took very seriously.
After spending some years with my parents, a time devoid of emotional support, I was able to move out and have a place of my own. This meant a sudden surge in responsibilities as I had to fulfil the roles of the man and the woman of the house, and had the full responsibility of my child without any support.
The pressure of managing finances and literally everything in the household was on me. Though I did everything I still did not feel worthy or good about myself. There was no time to grieve as there was just too much to do. Moreover, I did not have anyone speaking a positive word to me to encourage me or lift up my spirits.
In those years I didn’t have to make a schedule for myself as my child’s school timings and my work timings dictated how everything else fell in line. More than twenty five years later, I look back and feel like I scaled a mountain during those years. I thank God because He helped me the most during that time. Every night I read verses in the Bible which gave me strength to keep going. He healed from all the trauma and helped me retrieve my lost memories. I could now understand what happened and forgive my father for his rejection.?
When I look at people now, I see two categories of people. One set who got everything readymade and didn’t have to struggle for anything and the other who had to contend for everything, every step of the way, the way I had to. As the playing field is not even for both groups the success of the first cannot be compared with those from the second. This applies to both men and women.?
Women - One half of humanity
When I look at women, I see them as one half of humanity with their wings clipped, robbed of their potential and unable to live for themselves since they have so many burdens to carry. I feel I am a privileged woman for having come this far as I had the benefit of being a multifaceted person and had a good education thanks to my mother.
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I wonder how the world would be if every girl child was given the same value as boys are given and told that there are no limitations for them. As human beings, we all have the need to express ourselves, to dream dreams and achieve our goals. I wonder how it would be if every woman was able to live to her full potential and fulfil her dreams.
A report from UN Women states, “Globally, there are more than 100 million mothers, single-handedly raising their children. According to?‘Progress of the World’s Women 2019-2020’, many are in their prime working years, aged 25-54, and must somehow manage a full day of work to provide for their children. A smaller number of lone/single mothers are younger than 25 (3.4 per cent), which translates into 3.8 million extremely vulnerable young women—127,000 of whom are estimated to be under 18 and living alone with their young children.”3?
?Other statistics in the report reveal the dire situation faced by many women.
A time for change
It is imperative that we change the way we look at housework or managing the home. It is not ‘dirty work’ or ‘substandard work’ – instead it is the work that helps children and family members to be healthy and cared for. It is the foundation every person needs to have a stable and secure life. Even bachelors have to cook and clean their houses by themselves. If they don’t do it, it doesn’t get done, so we should stop calling it a woman’s job.?
If women can fulfil the roles played by men as we see in families where men are absent, inactive or have abandoned them, men can also support their wives and play a role in managing the household and caring for their children. After all they are caring for their own children. Shouldn’t they play an active role in their children’s development as individuals? I am happy that a lot of fathers are now engaged in their children’s upbringing than previous generations. If everyone does their bit to help, women will have their own space and be able to thrive.??
Change is necessary at the national level too.?The ‘World Employment and Social Outlook – Trends for Women 2018 – Global snapshot’ report says, “More generally, it is imperative for all countries and all constituent interest groups (especially governments, employers and trade unions) to work towards achieving the Agenda for Sustainable Development through measures that ensure quality jobs for women, reduce gender stereotypes and discrimination in both education and the workplace, and recognize, reduce and redistribute the disproportionate burden of care and household responsibilities that women currently bear.”6
As human beings there are things that both men and women can do. There are men who have a softer side to them and there are women who have an aggressive part of their nature. Each individual’s internal make up is unique and special and the Creator surely had reason to make them the way He did.
We would do well to overcome the old stereotypes that limit women and men from being what they were intrinsically created to be. So we can have more women in every field, making a mark and inspiring other women to do even more. This can be achieved if all our women are educated, given more opportunities to grow, discover and bring out their hidden potential.
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