On Women...

When I was in high-school one of my majors was biology. I wanted to become a medical doctor and was super interested in science in general and biology specifically.

In order to be accepted at medical school I needed excellent grades.

All marks of the final two years in German high-school count towards your final grade and thus have an impact on whether you will get accepted at your university of choice or not accepted at all.

Within the first 4-6 months of those final two years I noticed a pattern.

No matter how much work I put in, I never got an A but always a B+. This was weird as I was mostly a straight A student... especially when it came to science and math.

The second pattern that caught my attention, my biology teacher always ensured that there was one girl with a better exam mark than me.

Not always the same girl... I would have understood that. It was just important to her that I was not the best.

Me being me, I confronted her on my observation.

I said: "It is unfair that you do not give me the grade I deserve... I know my exam results are excellent and I have earned an A. It is also not fair that you always ensure that one girl gets a better grade than I do. Why do you do that?"

Her response: "Excellent observation... I want to teach a boy like you that women can also succeed and that women can sometimes be even better than men."

I was shocked and puzzled at the same time... It took me a while to digest what she had just said and also stay calm... I was 17 years old and obviously not as mature as I am today.

I asked: "What do you mean by 'a boy like you'? What is different about me compared to all the other boys?"

Without blinking she responded: "Someone from a family like yours, your mom is probably at home covering her hair and serving your father. I want to teach you to respect women. And by the way... I do not think you will make it to medical school."

I knew if I opened my mouth now, I would be screaming at her and saying all sorts of things that one does not say to their teacher. I turned around and walked away.

It was not the first time in my life that I had experienced racism. But someone going like this after my mother... this was a first.

That evening I shared this story with my parents. Normally, when I complained about my teachers - which I did not do very often - my parents initially took the teacher's side and asked me what I could have done better.

This time was different.

My mom got furious... After letting off some steam she asked me to make an appointment with my teacher.

A few days later my mom and I walk into my teacher's classroom after school had ended.

With 1,55m my mom is not very tall... but she walks with a lot of pride.

I immediately notice that my teacher is puzzled... she was not expecting a Middle Eastern woman to look like my mother, be dressed like my mother, and most importantly be as confident like my mother.

My mom shook her hand and told her straight to her face: "It is not your job to teach my son a lesson about women and feminism. It is your job to teach him biology and prepare him for succeeding at medical school."

She continued: "And if you were a true feminist, you'd know that feminism is not about putting men down so that women can rise... It's all about lifting both men and women so that they can meet on equal footing."

"Your current approach signals to my son that women cannot be better than him unless someone gives them an unfair advantage. Even worse, you teach those girls, that they can only succeed if the teacher games the system."

She closed by saying: "For your context, I am a chemical engineer with degrees from both Iran's and Germany's top engineering school. We came to this country with nothing. Today, my husband and I run our own engineering services business with about 10 employees which we have built from nothing."

"I do not sit at home, I do not cover my hair, I do not serve my husband... We are partners in life. But even if I did... this would be none of your business."

My teacher looked like being hit by a truck... She was not expecting this. She was not expecting a Middle Eastern woman being like a lioness that takes no prisoners.

She was not expecting my mom to be educated, let alone an engineer. She was not expecting my mom to be working, let alone run her own business.

It was not the first time that I took pride in being my mother's son... but it was one of the most memorable ones.

My teacher apologized to my mother and me... She promised to rate me fairly going forward. To her credit she kept her promise.

Being the son of my parents, I was not only taught through words that men and women were equal... my parents demonstrated what a true partnership was on a day-to-day basis.

They split the chores equally, they both took time for us as kids, and all major decisions were taken by them collaboratively.

I never heard my dad saying: "I am the man... thus I will take the decision."

As we grew older we realized that this was not normal in most families... no matter whether they were Middle Eastern or Germans.

In many families, the woman was dependent on her husband. In many families, the husband took most major decisions just by himself. In many families, the vast majority of chores and responsibility in raising kids was on the woman of the house.

Interestingly, this did not always mean that the women were the only ones suffering... many men were also trapped in their traditional role.

Many men wished for more time with their kids. Many men did not want to shoulder all major decisions themselves. Many men worried what would happen to their families if something happened to them.

My parents - especially my mother - taught us that creating equal opportunities for women and men is something that will benefit both and it will benefit society.

My parents also taught us that the most important decision one takes is whom to spend their life with.

This is true for both men and women... but especially for women.

If a woman wants to 'have it all' i.e. have a family and a career, she needs to have the right partner at her side.

This is the most important decision SHE takes...

Unfortunately, I have seen so many women pick the wrong guy.

They picked someone because he was successful, handsome, rich, or just cool...

The one attribute they ignored was whether that person would lift them up. They ignored whether that person genuinely loved them and thus wanted them to succeed and help them make their own dreams come true.

Too many of these women are left at 35, 40, or 45 with no family, no career, and no partner.

This is not the end of the world... but it is difficult and certainly something they did not wish and plan for.

There is this quote by Mark Twain:

“Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.”

I partially agree with this as it shows that there is no purely self-made man. Successful men are backed by their women.

The second piece of the quote signals towards men having affairs... which I believe is definitely a recipe for disaster.

But I would still make the case that there are at least two women behind a successful men.

The first one (the one we do not choose) is the mother. I got very lucky on that one.

The second one (the one we do choose) is the wife. I chose wisely and was lucky that she also chose me.

Now, this same quote applies to women...

You cannot choose your dad. But most dads I have met, genuinely want their daughters to succeed in life.

I have two daughters myself, and there is nothing more that I wish for... and I will do everything in my power to see them succeed - based on whatever they define as success.

But keep in mind, you can choose your partner.

As mentioned above, make sure that person first and foremost has your back... not through words, but through actions.

Do they help you grow, do they lift you up, do they help you climb your mountain?

If yes, you have chosen wisely... if not, don't leave them right away... have a conversation.

Share your dreams and ask for their support. Be as concrete as you can. Ask about their dreams and which role you can play in helping them achieve it.

If you learn that your dreams and desires to support each other don't match, you probably know that this relationship is not for the long term.

But if you align on your dreams, if you align on how you co-create a great life for both of you... then go and make it happen.

My wife and I were lucky as for the first years in our relationship we just happened to want the same things. We wanted to make our own money, we wanted to travel, and we wanted live in different cities.

We both wanted children and were blessed with a) no issues getting pregnant, and b) having healthy kids.

But becoming a mother was hard for my wife... she did not expect having to sacrifice as much.

She loved our kids, she loved me, she had no financial worries... but in many moments she was not truly happy.

I pushed her for that conversation... I pushed her to search within herself and identify what it is that she wants to achieve... which mountain does she want to climb.

And with the help of my coach we also identified which role I can play in her climbing her mountain.

I had to learn that a) I do not pick the mountain, and b) I do not climb it for her.

She picks the mountain and she has to climb it... but she can also pull me in anytime and I will do my best to help her deal with that particular challenge she is facing at that particular moment in time.

Going through this experience together has made us stronger, happier, and more successful as a couple.

And most importantly, I believe we are demonstrating to our kids (two girls and one boy) what my parents demonstrated to me many years ago.

Men and women only exist in their relationship to each other. We are not the same... but we are equal.

That equality is challenged by society and also by nature.

We have it in our power to address that challenge and create the equality that will make both prosper.

#FromNothingComesNothing