Women In Leadership Split Between 2 Worlds - Success and Suffering

I recently spoke to a high achieving rock star executive with a tech firm. She talked about how she had to take a mental health day and how exhausted she was at work. Also, the psychological toll of dealing with micro-aggressions, blatant disrespect from juniors, and being disregarded and undermined by her peers. 

I asked, “Why do you put up with being treated like crap? You have significant value to offer organizations in and outside of tech, and cultures that will treat you fairly. Why are you risking your health for a title and prestige?”

Let’s be clear. She has prestige. She has a very visible role in the tech space, and from the outside looking in, she has it all. However, I know far too well that everything that glitters isn’t gold. 

She defended her position, saying, “I love my job!” I replied, “I didn’t say you didn’t love your job. But I want you to be aware that you can suffer in a job that you love.”

“Wow... I’ve never thought of it like that,” she said.

Reflecting On Your Career, What Do You Really See?

While writing my first book, Shackled to Success, I had to reflect really hard on my career to pull the story together. It was the hardest book I’ve ever written because I had to dig up skeletons that I had not seen in a long time. I relived stories that were long forgotten and had to recognize the silent suffering I endured for most of my career, regardless of how much success I obtained. 

I had nightmares and ate five gallons of ice cream to soothe my soul as I wrote the book. Seeing my 16-year career condensed into 150 pages made me wonder, why in the world did I stay that long? 

Well, that’s complicated. There were two realities that I lived for most of my career – success and suffering.

I had a great time in my career. I chased drug runners in the Caribbean. Dispatched tug-boats and pollution responders to large ships that were sinking, on fire, or had leaked oil. Regulated large oil companies, responded to the needs of the citizens in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, and worked as a Congressional Fellow with the late Congressman Elijah Cummings. I had some AMAZING experiences.

I LOVED my job. I loved the people who worked with me. I LOVED being a leader and mentor. I met and worked with some of the most incredible people in the world and have created countless life-long friends that I continue to talk to today.

As 1 of 50 black women officers out of 47,000 people, my network and peers were mostly white men. Did that matter to us at the time? Of course not. I have some incredible friends, and I call them my brothers and they call me their sister. 

BUT! Did it matter that as .1 percent of the demographic, I was being harassed, bullied, and micro-aggressed to near death before I resigned prematurely, and my white male friends had absolutely no idea? Or, they knew, but couldn’t fathom the depth of my despair? ABSOLUTELY.

Why Do We Stay So Long?

In an earlier article, I addressed three reasons why successful women stay in toxic work environments. Another reason is that the pain of being harassed isn’t acute. It’s a slow bleed over time, so being in mild pain for an extended period of time, where it becomes normalized, you don’t feel it as much.

Pain is normal. Having headaches are normal. Back pain is normal. 

Being stressed out - normal. Snapping at your family - normal. Being irrational and impatient - normal. Not being able to sleep – normal. Waking up exhausted – normal. Being sick all the time – normal. Blinding headaches – normal. Divorced successful woman – normal. Autoimmune disease – normal.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!

The greatest challenge you may have is that you hang out with women who are just like you, and they have the same problems, so that’s normal. Or, you’re like many other women, including me, you are UNWILLING to admit that you are suffering because you are too busy touting your success that you aren’t looking at the unintended consequences of it. 

You can’t heal what you refuse to feel. You can’t change what you refuse to acknowledge. You can’t continue to be in denial that you are in trouble when your body is telling you through disease (dis ease) that something is wrong.

Health Challenges

I want to be 100 percent transparent. By no means was I a complete victim in my career. Yes, I was harassed, and it took a significant toll on my health, but as I was experiencing micro-aggressions, I responded with aggression. I was a furniture mover and not someone that would cower in response to harassment. 

At times, I rose as big as Surtur, the massive fire monster in Thor Ragnarok. ?? 

There are two ways that women respond to harassment – outward aggression and inward suppression. Both are equally bad and will riddle your body with disease and decay. 

If you are having health challenges, are you willing to admit that it’s from holding in anger, resentment, rage, and other emotions from being harassed at work?

Intense personal development, guided meditation, retreats, massages, and working on how you respond to others will not only significantly impact your life – it will save your life. 

Why We Remember Pain More Than Joy

Of the 18 bosses I had, only five were toxic. It doesn’t seem like a bad ratio, but it matters. If you got shot in the hand with a nail gun (trauma) or if you ate an ice cream cone (pleasure - if you love ice cream as much as me), which experience would you feel the most?

The trauma, of course. If you’ve experienced significant trauma in your career, whether acknowledged or denied, you may find it hard to figure out what’s next for you. You can’t seem to articulate what you want to do, or you’re too exhausted to figure it out.

If you were fired, resigned, or took medical leave to recover, you made it out of the fire of a hostile workplace. However, in this place of pause, you will feel the pain of the nail gun.

Guilt-ridden, you go around and around in your mind on why you didn’t leave when the first incident happened. Were you so blinded by ambition that you didn’t even feel the pain? 

Did you need the money that bad that you allowed someone or multiple people to inflict that much pain on you, and you stayed anyway?

Why didn’t you respond to your pain and the red flags, bells, whistles, alarms, smoke signals, and fire trucks before life forced you to stop?

That’s a great question. It may be because you were so busy focusing on your next success story, buying stuff to display your success, ensuring the success of others, living in the fullness of your success….that you were unwilling to or didn’t stop long enough to feel the SUFFERING that accompanies high levels of success. 

They are not mutually exclusive. They can exist at the same time. Heal your suffering and achieve greater heights of success. You deserve it. 

Christy Rutherford is a Harvard Business School Alumna, certified Executive Leadership Coach from Georgetown University and 6-time best-selling author.