Women can do it all? No thank you!

Women can do it all…NO Thank you!

Women can have it all. Heck yes!

Should we really buy into the ‘women can do it all’ scenario? Is that promised land still as attractive as a destination?

I was recently asked to speak at a summit for Working Mom’s Academy that is happening later in the year. The founder is a lovely professional lady who experienced burnout, has come out on the other side and wants to help other women avoid that.

Burnout arises from continued negative impact of our lifestyle and relentless stress to the resources we value: time, money, freedom, communication, control, health, and love.

She asked me about my journey and got me thinking about the stresses in the life of a business owner. Adding full time clinician to that mix brings in a whole host of other challenges.

The stats are frightening. Of 55 million people over 16 in the UK (based on 2011 Census) as many as 12 million have suffered this.

As an Optometrist, I was in the process of buying my practice when we found out we were expecting our daughter. We already had our son who was a few months old at the time. I was more nervous telling my potential business partner my news than I was taking my professional exams. (Of course, I needn’t have been. He was and still is, even though we are no longer in business together, extremely supportive. I definitely lucked out there.)

I was back at work within a few weeks of my daughter being born. By the time all the legalities were completed for the business she was 7 months old. I had 2 children, under the age of 2years, moved to a new town, bought a new business, got myself a new business partner and was hundreds of miles away from my parents and the huge support network of friends and family that would have been available to me had I lived closer.

At work, I inherited a team, that I hadn’t picked, some of whom resented the different work practices I wanted to introduce, and I constantly heard that the old way was better. In that first year between fully booked clinics and negotiating team dynamics, I was exhausted. It would have been so wonderful to go home and put my feet up. Instead, I went to pick up the children from nursery by 6pm, cooked dinner, fed them, sorted out their bedtime routine and sat down with my husband for dinner…for maybe 40 mins before my daughter woke up!! She didn’t sleep through the night till she was at school.

As a clinician business owner, my working day didn’t stop when I left the practice. In the evenings, as well as doing all the family stuff that any parent does, I was looking at payroll, thinking about staffing challenges, customer challenges, planning staff training, undertaking continuing education projects. And here’s the kicker. I felt this is just the way I had to be. No one forced me to do it this way. As a strong independent woman, the more people told me how they admired me or were proud of me, the more I took on to justify that admiration or pride. I put that load onto my own shoulders. I hoisted it up, all by myself.

I was keen to integrate into the community in my new hometown. To offer support because they were supporting my practice. I created and drove community charity initiatives. In my practice we were doing B1G1 initiatives 15 years ago. I was helping out homeless people with their CVs to get them into employment. We were supporting our local hospice. We sponsored sports kits at local schools. I went to speak at these schools about careers in Optometry. I went to speak at junior schools about vison. It was a full-on life that I led.

In all of this I have the most supportive husband. Without him, none of this would have been possible, in the same way.

He helped fully with the children, (as he should, I know!!).

He supported all my community work.

He is my rock, (as I am his.)

My point is...I took on too much all by myself with no pressure from anyone else.

Adrenaline got me through those first 10 years in business. And the question is Why???? What was my internal driver to do this?

I was asked to help out with something for my children’s school by another parent. I looked at her in sheer dismay, because I already knew that I wouldn’t be able to say No. I tried to explain, I worked, full time, had obligations to my patients to be able to think clearly when I was with them etc, but her response was, “Heena, I know it’s a big ask but it took me years to get the school to agree to this and I would hate to see it stop. Sometimes, if you want something doing, ask the busiest person. Because you know that they will know a way to fit it in, because they are master at finding time and ways to fit things in”. Oh my god!! She got me...me a master...why not!!

Plus, I am a supporter profile on the wealth dynamics profiling tool. You can check it out here. www.wealthdynamics.com

Guiding, leading and helping others feeds my soul.

And ladies and gents...there’s my why. As a supporter I was always finding things to do to lead and support others. But at what cost to myself.

I was exhausted, irritable and demanding. I remember, a member of staff coming to tell me the staff toilet was blocked. This was just as I was about to take my next patient through. I huffed and puffed but was so annoyed that my response was to sort the situation out myself. Instead of delegating, I would do things myself because it was quicker, and I would do the job the way I wanted it doing. (Because of course, I was that much of a control freak)

Again, I could have coached her to be able to find the solution herself but NO..I went and sorted it myself. Making a rod for my own back.

It was only when I was at a mastermind retreat, that I was challenged to rethink the way I was. Did I want my success to come at the price of my health and wellbeing?

I had already recognised that my children, who had the quietest voices got the least of my attention. The business, with the loudest voice got most of it. How ironic when the reason for going into business was to have time freedom to live life on my terms. To be there for the children. To witness all their milestone and their mundane moments. That realisation hit me hard.

I decided that things had to change. From the mastermind I called my PA and dropped a day of clinics per week to concentrate on business matters. This was 15 years after I had started my first practice. I had a lot of catching up to do. I made a huge decision to sell my share of one practice.

Let me be clear, without that lifechanging insight from the mastermind group #theoneretreat, without them calling me up and holding me accountable, to stay courageous and follow through, I would not have stuck to my decision.

Well, it would have been so much easier to go back to old habits.

My life would not have changed for the better. Often, we need someone else to point out the way. Looking at our lives from an outside perspective, they can see the obvious path a lot easier than we can. Take swimming as an example. I could swim, and being self-taught I did it the only way I knew how. An instructor was able to help me improve on my technique, so I became better. It became more enjoyable and as a result I was confident enough to go on and learn to dive.

I started to take stock of me, my mindset and to do everything with intention going forward.

The journey had started. I studied ancient texts on wealth creation and realised True Wealth is so much more than money. It encompasses 8 aspects of life including health and relationships. I was neglecting most of them and only half heartedly filling my cup in others.

I started incorporating these 8 aspects of Abundance into my life. Of measuring them using my Abundance Wheel.

My mantra is that we are here to live a joyful life.

Outwardly I had it all, financial security, a happy family life, a successful business but the reality is that whilst I had it all, I was also doing it all.

Now, there’s more harmony in my life. I have learnt the art of delegation, and more than that, when to say No. There is immense strength and power when you to learn to say No. I collaborate with others to do my work now instead of doing everything myself.

Now I say Yes to things that bring me Joy and No to everything else. The transformation in thinking, behaviour and attitude didn’t happen overnight. I’m a stubborn goat at times!!

But I did emerge on the other side, no longer the fiery, reactive warrioress, doing it all.

Instead, I have learnt to Trust my Intuition...

• To assert my way without aggression, towards myself or others.
• To use my power of thought, take a long-term view on the consequences of my actions, for myself.
• To, powerfully say No to things which take away my joy.

I am blessed because I got to this point and changed things before my health, both mental and physical suffered in an unrepairable way. Before my family life suffered in an unrepairable way. Many don’t recognise where they are till it’s too late.

I say all of this from my biased point of view but want to acknowledge that without the amazing men in my life, at home and at work, doing their stuff, I wouldn’t be in this place of living a life with ease and grace.

Choose to have it all but choose how you are willing to do that.

Define what ‘All’ means for you personally.

Ask for support, delegate, take proper time out to decompress and recharge every day. The ‘every day’ in that sentence is key.

Don’t wait till the choice is taken away from you.

Please don’t feel you have to DO it all in order to HAVE it all.