A woman's innate fear

“Why do women go to the toilets in pairs?” a male acquaintance had once asked me.

“Don’t want to be alone when drunk,” I reply automatically, before pausing, “having someone there means someone knows exactly where you are.”

“Oh.” He'd replied, clearly content with the answer.

It’s something I’ve only given much thought to at the ripe age of 21. 

From a young age, women are taught to defend themselves from attacks. Self-defence and avoidance are our lessons, in which we are told to carry rape alarms or pepper spray the second we are alone in a dark place as we grow older. Men are taught to attack, encouraged to fight and roughhouse and be the aggressors. 

That’s not to cast a bad light on men, nor imply men aren’t the victims of violent crime. But women feel a fear throughout their lives, in their bones and their gut, the second the situation reads dangerous to them. I can say from personal experience that a lot of situations are dangerous to me.

Leaving to go to the toilet on a night out is dangerous.

Getting in a taxi alone is dangerous.

Walking down the street the second it gets dark is dangerous.

I haven’t spoken to a single woman who hasn’t taken some level of precaution in such situations. Things such as locating the nearest other woman, or trustworthy looking individual. Keeping car keys in-between your fingers when you’re sat in the front seat of a taxi by yourself. Walking with only one earphone in, if you’re even listening to music at all, when walking alone.

Take, for example, advertisements near one of my local universities. It states that people should always walk home in that specific area in groups. As is seen so often, there seems to be an attempt to enforce that potential victims defend themselves or use avoidance tactics, rather than to tackle those who are the perpetrators.

For men, sitting in a taxi by themselves would probably be considered, at best, a minor irritation. For women, their friends will usually insist on being informed by text or call the second they are home. They’ll sit in the front seat, as there’s a better chance of escape if things go wrong (whether consciously or subconsciously). They may keep their keys in their hand, or any kind of deterrent. 

The fact of the matter is, it is assumed in society that women at some point will be victims. If it isn’t the fact that women are marketed at for pepper spray, rape alarms and self-defence classes aimed at fending off a sexual assault, then it’s just the fact that women are innately and acutely aware of their fight or flight instincts. 

My point of distinction is this; women sense danger in situations that have no obvious aggressors, or indications of immediate danger, whereas men will often sense danger when an immediate aggressor or dangerous situation is imminent.

Where a man may look at his parked car in an empty car park without worry, a woman will often immediately look over her shoulder the entire time, unlocking the car as fast as possible. In a situation in which a male driver is waiting for someone to get back into their car whilst they wait inside it, they probably won't lock the doors. A woman probably will.

This isn't to try and add to the recent and harmful narrative of men vs women. This disparity is also present with POC communities and LGBTQ+ communities, in which a constant sense of imminent danger is present. I'm not stating men aren't at risk of violent attacks, as that would be completely false.

What I'm aiming to describe, however, is a unique phenomenon that seems exclusive to such communities, who have been taught that, for whatever reason, living their daily life may lead them into dangerous situations easily.

Fear is an emotion that nobody particularly wants to reside in for long periods of time, but it is one that a lot of us have been residing in without realising. If it isn't the LGBTQ+ activist wiping their face paint off after a pride event to get home safely without risk of attack, it's the black man who has to pull his hood down when walking in a public place to avoid being profiled. Perhaps it's the woman who insists on dragging someone with her every single time she needs the toilet, or the girl who is scared to walk home from school when she sees cars slowing down beside her.

An innate sense of danger will probably always be familiar to women and specific communities. Yet, comments online such as "Why do women think they're important enough to be raped," (yes, important), in response to a woman's assertion that she didn't want to cycle to work for a morning shift at 4:30am down a dark road, or "the probability of attacks in that situation is unlikely," in response to a woman who states that every time she gets in an Uber, she pulls a strand of hair out for potential evidence in case of an attack.

These are some extreme examples, yet the point remains. Women are taught to look at life from the perspective of a potential and often inevitable victim, that results in them feeling a need to defend themselves against not only potential threats but also perceived ones, whereas men are simply taught that if danger occurs they will have the means and the will to combat it effectively.

This will only ever be changed if we begin to teach our children to have the potential, equally, to fight on their own behalf. That they can be brave, even if conscious of danger, but not living in spite of this danger.

Stop telling women, POC and LGBTQ+ individuals that they should expect attack due to a variety of factors and start telling the perpetrators not to perpetrate. Blame is a dangerous thing and should never be placed with those who are already victims of societal circumstance.

We can, and we should, do better.