Wolfgang Cummerbund record mogul part III
The little bistro – Pimlico, London.
NARRATOR: The table is full of beer bottles and ashtrays. Wolfgang propositions Madge.
WOOLGANG:‘So Madge, what do you think about the talent show. Can you see yourself as a mentor and star maker?’
NARRATOR: Madge is in agreement and she needs the money.
MADGE:‘Well Wolfie the thought of it is rather appealing and I do like to dominate so I might have to say yes!’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang is over the moon – He has secured the services of two judges for his project.
WOOLFGANG: ‘Excellent Madge’
NARRATOR: Madge has a slight reservation.
MADGE: ‘I must stress that I will be bringing my little pooch with me, he's a lovely little thing he’s house trained but he can be a bit boisterous at times’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang is happy with her request.
WOLFGANG:‘As long as you can keep him under control I have no argument with that! Will Roddy want to come and watch the show?’
NARRATOR: Madge looks puzzled.
MADGE: ‘I've just said! He won't be a problem at all! Don't you listen to people?’
NARRATOR: The Waiter arrives at the table to take their orders.
WOLFGANG:‘Beef Casserole in red wine sauce isn’t it Madge. You want wine as well?
NARRATOR: Madge has selected her wine.
MADGE: ‘A bottle of 1930 suave en blonk thanks’
WOLGANG: ‘Good choice Madge. And I'll have two bowls of angel delight with those hundreds and thousands sprinkled over the top and a big banana milkshake!’
NARRATOR: Unable to contain his latest purchase he spills the beans.
WOLFGANG: ‘I've just ordered a private jet Madge!’
NARRATOR: Madge looks surprised.
MADGE: ‘Why, where are we going?’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang looks amused.
WOLFGANG:‘No! Ha - buying one. It's got an ash tray shape bum washer and loads of mirrors and ashtrays everywhere’
NARRATOR: The Waiter returns to the table.
WAITER: ‘Sorry Mr Cummerbund we are out of angel delight, we have banana moose or lemon blancmange’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang is not happy.
WOLFGANG ‘What-Ridiculous! What kind of bistro are you. No angel delight! I don’t want to sound unreasonable but that’s Outrageous! Come on Madge let’s get out of here this place is lacking the 'F' Factor. I need my Angel Delight. This is not good for my miserable side. I need to have what I want or my dark depressing moods will kick in and I’ll start chain smoking’
THE FOLLOWING MONDAY
NARRATOR: It’s another good to be alive day for Wolfgang as he stands at his window watching the sun rise over the roof tops. Wearing only boxer shorts (with a very high waistband) Wolfgang stretches.
THE PHONE RINGS
WOLFGANG:‘Hello Wolfgang Cummerbund... Who? The little chubby Irish bloke... I did! You'd better come up then’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang puts down the phone and slips into a grey tracksuit – He mutters
WOLFGANG:‘Bloody Irish blokes’
NARRATOR:The door bell rings and Wolfgang lets his talent show judge in.
WOLFGANG:‘Think I’m losing me marbles little man I forgot I invited you around today’
IRISH MAN: ‘Hope I’m not interrupting anything but I thought you said you wanted to talk about the format of the show’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang offers the Irish man a bit of breakfast.
WOLFGANG: ‘You fancy some Angel Delight with hundreds and thousands over the top?'
IRISH MAN: ‘No thanks I’ve had breakfast. But a coffee would be fine’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang stares at the Chubby Irish man for a second then speaks
WOLFGANG: ‘By the way what’s your name’
IRISH MAN: ‘I was wondering when you would ask. Thought you didn’t do names for a while. My name is Lucas – Lucas Walshingham’
NARRATOR: The Irish man looks at a picture of a girl in a silver frame on the coffee table.
IRISH MAN: ‘Very nice – Would that be missus then?’
MARRATOR:Wolfgang is quick to respond.
WOLFGANG: ‘No! That’s my pube trimmer’
NARRATOR: The Irish man seems to have misheard Wolfgang.
IRISH MAN: ‘Did you say pube trimmer?’
WOLFGANG: ‘It’s Megan Hussain, she was a landscape gardener until I offered her the job of trimming me pubes. She’s great with the scissors and clipper’
NARRATOR: The Irish man looks baffled.
IRISH MAN: ‘Why do you want your pubes trimmed?’
WOLFGANG: ‘Got to look me best when I’m on the beach wearing me ‘Burt Lancasters’ - And there’s no one better than Megs when it comes to the trim. Actually she can do most styles’
NARRATOR: There is a picture on the wall of Wolfgang posing in a pair of shorts. The picture is Burt Lancaster’s body supporting Wolfgang’s head.
IRISH MAN:‘You can’t see them anyway so why bother?’
WOLFGANG: ‘They stick out from under the leg of me Speedo’s if I don’t get them trimmed’
NARRATOR: With an agreeable look on his face the Irish man continues.
IRISH MAN:‘I’m with you on the trim but I don’t understand the different style factor’
NARRATOR: Wolfgang rubs his chin and again stares at the Irish man for a second
WOLFGANG:‘Variety, Variety is the essence and it spices up me love life. And I like the feel of the warm air on me pubes when she uses the hair dryer.'
IRISH MAN: ‘I’d rather leave them as they were intended.'
WOLFGANG: ‘Understandable Lucas, I couldn’t see you looking as good as I do in a pair of Speedo’s’
Is there a rift building between Wolfgang and Lucas before the first show has been recorded. More soon...