Wishing everyone a shanah tovah, have a good new year!
David E Stein
David E Stein
Regional Chief of Surgery, Baltimore; Chair of Surgery MedStar Franklin Square Medical Center, Chief MedStar Harbor Hospital, Professor of Surgery Georgetown University School of Medicine
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The Jewish New Year,?Rosh?Hashanah, is celebrated starting at sundown tonight and this Tuesday and Wednesday. As I mentioned last year, the Jewish High Holidays are a time of reflection for the events, and most importantly our behavior that occurred during the past year. It is also a time when one tries to learn from our mistakes, apologize for them, and try to grow as an individual.
Over the course of the past year, it seems like many people have been quicker to emotionally react in a negative manner to different situations. There are constant stories relating details about airline passengers misbehaving, fighting in supermarkets, and shouting matches at community meetings discussing mask mandates. Why are we so quick to lose our temper and place accountability for our behavior on the “other” person? It is my belief that the stress of the pandemic, life, work, and our constant hustle from one task to the next has left us little time to actually stop, listen and try to understand one another.
In Stephen R. Covey’s?bestselling book,?The 7 Habits for Highly Effective People, Habit 5 is, “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” The idea is this: You can hear someone’s words without listening actively, but this is not the way we learn to truly understand one another.
Chances are, you’ve experienced some?“inactive” listening yourself. Maybe you’ve tried to vent to a friend or relative about difficulties at work while their eyes were fixated on their phone, or they continued typing on their computer. They said “cool” or “sorry” or “really?” in mostly the right places, but you still didn’t feel as if they truly understood what you were trying to convey. I am often guilty of this behavior with my wife. As I try to multitask, my ability to really work to understand what she is trying to relate is hampered.
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Active listening, or empathetic listening is really, really hard. It requires your engagement with the person you are speaking to by showing empathy and support. It shows you deeply care about what the other person has to say, and signals that you’ll come away with a better understanding of where they are coming from.
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In trying to improve my ability to actively listen, I came across a piece written in Healthline by Crystal Raypole and Timothy J. Legg, PhD, CRNP. They introduce the following eight steps to work to improve our ability to actively listen. Here is a synopsis of what they wrote (full article:?https://www.healthline.com/health/active-listening#give-full-attention).
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1.?Give them your full attention
People often try to multitask in order to make the most of their limited time. That’s understandable. Most people are busy. When it comes to active listening, though, you’ll want to show the speaker you’re focusing on them, not your grocery list or social media feed.
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But even activities that don’t demand your full attention can still divide it, so it’s generally best to put down what you’re doing and fully concentrate on them. Distracted listening can give the speaker the impression their concerns don’t matter.
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2. Use body language
You may not realize it, but your body plays an important role?in?communication. Open,?relaxed?body language?tells the?other person you’re involved in the conversation, not ready to make your excuses at the earliest possible opportunity.
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3. Avoid interrupting
People sometimes interrupt with the best of intentions: When your friend tells you something awful their partner did, it’s natural to want to jump in and express your outrage. Your friend might appreciate your show of solidarity, but this interruption could still derail their train of thought and leave them feeling unheard.
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4. Don’t fear silence
When a conversation lulls, people often have an urge to fill the silence with an immediate reply. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. You were listening, not formulating a reply, so it’s perfectly understandable to need a moment or two to offer a thoughtful response. In most cases, the other person will probably appreciate you taking the time to reflect on their words and consider your thoughts, so there’s usually no need to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
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If it helps, you can always let them know you’re taking a moment to collect your thoughts.
Silence can also help when you sense they have more to say. Waiting patiently gives them an opportunity to offer any final thoughts or expand on anything they’ve already shared.
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5. Reflect, don’t parrot
Reflecting, or paraphrasing, is a key component of active listening, but many people find it a tricky skill to master. When you paraphrase, you use?your own words?to restate what you’ve heard. Note the emphasis on “your own words.” You don’t want to simply repeat what they say. This tells them you listened, yes, but it doesn’t tell them you understand.
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6. Validate their feelings
Someone communicating their distress or personal challenges won’t necessarily want a solution. They may just want to know someone hears them and cares about what they’re going through. They likely wouldn’t open up and share their feelings if they didn’t trust you. You can honor this trust, in part, by acknowledging their emotions as valid.
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Maybe you think you would have handled things differently or believe the situation doesn’t warrant the degree of anger or sadness they experience. Even so, stay focused on their perspective instead of questioning their emotions. You can still validate someone when you disagree.
It also helps to avoid getting defensive if their feelings are directed toward you. Maybe you don’t consider the issue significant, but they clearly feel differently. Acknowledging their frustration instead of brushing it off typically leads to more productive communication?and?conflict resolution. Your?feelings are valid, too, and you’ll have a chance to share once you fully hear them out.
7. Ask thoughtful questions
Active listening is part of communication, so aim to have a dialogue. While it’s important to listen patiently when someone talks, asking questions when the conversation reaches a natural pause shows your interest and involvement. Here’s where following along pays off. Listening half-heartedly generally means your questions won’t have much depth to them.
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8. Avoid passing judgment or offering advice
At some point, you’ll probably find yourself listening to something you simply don’t agree with, but briefly setting aside your own opinions can help you keep an open mind. Maybe your best friend feels wronged by his partner, but from what you’ve heard, it seems pretty clear your friend messed up. Still, you might try (as the saying goes) walking in their shoes. The situation could be more complex than you realize.
As I mentioned, I find consistently applying empathetic listening skills difficult, and it is a skill I am working to continually improve. Many areas of conflict arise due to one side not understanding the other side’s perspective. Perhaps if we all work to improve our ability to empathetically listen to one another, there will be less conflict, more understanding and appreciation of one another, and successful partnerships in all aspects of our lives.
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Business Owner at Ketamine Wellness Infusions PA
3 年Shana tova to you and yours, David
Account executive Nihon Kohden
3 年Have a sweet and wonderful new year?
Executive VP and Chief Physician Executive,?Houston Methodist. President and Chief Executive Officer,?Houston Methodist Physician Organization Professor of Clinical Ophthalmology Weill Cornell Medical College
3 年Thank you, David, for this thoughtful post. Shana Tova to you and yours!
Co-Founder, CEO | Information Systems Security @ VFT Solutions Inc.
3 年Shanah tovah to the Stein family, wise words from a wise man with a wonderful heritage.