Wish for Summer, Plan for Winter

Everyone in the orchestra moves quickly and takes their seats. They tune their instruments one last time and soon the violas, cellos, and harpsichord are ready. The musicians are all dressed in black from head to toe, except for the conductor who wears a tuxedo and white gloves. In his right hand, he holds a wooden baton that seems to have a life of its own, eager to start directing the ensemble of musicians to the melody of Vivaldi’s 1700s classic, The Four Seasons. The audience is also elegantly dressed, with women showcasing their beauty in long dresses and men displaying confidence in tailored suits. They all settle in, and the noise gradually fades to absolute silence. All lights are completely turned off, except for those lighting up the platform, which awaits the arrival of the person trusted to play the solo violin.

Anastasia's steps can be heard in the distance as she climbs the stairs to the stage. Everyone's breath is taken away the moment she becomes visible. She's not only taller than most of her fellow musicians but standing up while they remain seated makes the difference even more noticeable. She's always been thin but losing her appetite just days before a big concert makes her appear even skinnier. She's dressed in a long, bright red sleeveless silk gown adorned with hundreds of tiny glowing Swarovski crystals. She styles her dress with a pair of nude open-toe high heels that show off the matching red nails on her feet and hands. Her long, charcoal-black hair hangs loosely on top of her ivory-pale shoulders. Anastasia casts one last quick glance at the orchestra with her sparkly round black eyes, shares a big red-lip smile with the audience, and rests the lower back of her violin on her collarbone, waiting for the cue to begin playing.

The opening movement welcomes the arrival of spring with a colorful explosion of flowers and butterflies, as well as the sounds of singing birds, gurgling streams, and gentle breezes. Festive songs and dances are used to depict a popular celebration. This is the season of new beginnings, but even new beginnings are limited by time. Summer starts with high temperatures causing sluggishness in both humans and animals. A farmer's sleep is cut short by the start of a storm. The sky is lit up with lightning, and hail falls on the fields. Eventually, autumn begins with peasant songs and dances as they celebrate the harvest. The joy fades as dry tree leaves begin to fall, but not before a final cheerful melody depicts hunters gathering in the dawn. Finally, winter arrives, accompanied by gusts of wind that shake the falling snowflakes. It ultimately develops into a full-fledged storm pushing people to find refuge. Then, from the warmth of a cozy fire, the experience shifts, and the end of winter brings joy once more.

As the orchestra transports the audience to the baroque period through the melody of four masterful violin concertos, Anastasia can't stop thinking about her lost love. She married in her twenties, hoping that the passionate love would last forever. However, life didn’t go as planned. More than a decade later, she’s about to become single again, fearful of feeling lonely and unsure of what the impending breakup will bring.

Conflict is inevitable in any meaningful relationship, especially a long-term love one. Most of us wish that the intense feelings of falling in love, or what we’ll call the spring of the relationship, would last indefinitely. But that’s rarely the case. Specialists explain in The Science of Sex, Love, Attraction, and Obsession that when we're in the throes of romantic love, our brains reward us for seeking novel and reinforcing activities by producing dopamine, allowing us to feel pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. Another neurotransmitter, serotonin, enters the picture, boosting our mood and making us happier. Finally, oxytocin is released, making us feel warm, snuggly, and deeply attached to the new person. Keep in mind, however, that feelings in the early stages of romantic love are linked to the oldest parts of our brain, regions associated with drive, craving, and impulse. This means that, as soon as the novelty wears off, the chemicals settle out and our thinking brain takes control again.

The summer of a romantic relationship appears to be the sweet spot; some of the initial feelings mature thus allowing us to develop meaningful and stable bonds with our partners. However, it’s not without difficulties. Bestseller author Jay Shetty emphasizes in his book 8 Rules of Love that maintaining a conflict-free relationship means floating on the surface, where everything looks pretty but we never achieve a deep knowledge of each other. However, keeping the peace is frequently at the expense of honesty and understanding. The opposite is also true: love founded on honesty and understanding is deep and fulfilling, but not always peaceful. So, it's natural to expect friction and fights in a normal love relationship. The trick is to be able to detect pointless conflict and to fight in a healthy manner when needed.

In terms of detecting, Shetty observes that power struggles occur when we simply want to win for the sake of winning. When we enter it with erroneous, ego-driven convictions like "I'm right," we know we're in the presence of one. We want our partner to lose categorically, to validate us, to declare us the victor, and to submit to our demands. In a relationship, however, if we win and the other loses, we both lose, he says. Conversely, in constructive arguments, we view the conflict as a challenge we want to overcome jointly and are receptive to hearing the other person's perspective. To have a productive debate, we must accept that what our partner says contains some truth.

And as far as knowing how to fight goes, Shetty adds that when a conflict arises, we should be able to stop in our tracks and fight the issue together. This requires a five-step process: choose a time and place for resolving our conflict, pick our words carefully (avoid extreme words like always and never), control our anger by using language that shows we want to work together as a team, commit to a solution, and evolve by accepting responsibility for our part in the issue. When couples can express their anger in healthy ways to each other, they develop qualities and abilities such as compassion, empathy, patience, communication, listening, and understanding.

Conflict resolution is a skill that requires practice. The time needed to learn and develop these skills can occasionally cause love relationships to enter a type of autumn, a potentially darker period that many partners go through. Because success isn't guaranteed, failed attempts can quickly turn into winter, effectively ending the relationship. Susan Elliott points out in her book Getting Past Your Breakup that there’s one important thing to remember as we travel down the path of breakup: if someone leaves our lives, someone or something else will appear to take his or her place. The issue is that it may not be something we want (think of toxic relationships or addictions, for example). To avoid this, we must exert some control over who or what replaces that person in order to ensure that we prioritize ourselves. This can be accomplished by taking care of ourselves, processing our grief, and dealing with potential obstacles.

Regarding self-care, we must try to strike a balance between our difficult emotional work and being kind to ourselves. Boosting our self-esteem will come from affirming ourselves with patience, love, and positive thoughts while avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Journaling our thoughts and feelings, stopping the hostile voice inside us every time we notice it, and setting goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (i.e., SMART) are all ways to put the focus back on ourselves.

Elliott also observes that moving through grief occurs in phases that are not neatly packed as we tend to go back and forth between them. We usually begin with shock or disbelief that there has been a loss. We feel hurt, rejected, and humiliated. The middle stage is one of review, relinquishment, and great emotion. It appears after the shock has worn off, leaving us with confusion, anger, and guilt. Finally, there’s re-organization, integration, and acceptance. Being in this phase indicates that we’re beginning to move on and find some peace with the breakup. Giving ourselves time to work through grief and being patient with ourselves is essential for managing this process.

Finally, dealing with potential challenges entails tackling two problem areas that can arise after a breakup. The first is communication with our ex. We must emotionally, physically, and psychologically separate from the relationship. While committing to "no contact" without justification is difficult, the benefits are numerous. The second pitfall concerns parents who are dealing with children. Making things easier for them includes being open about the breakup, modeling healthy behavior, and giving them quality time.

So far, we've talked about what experts suggest to avoid a breakup and what they recommend to get over one if it does occur. However, one of the most valuable ideas for dealing with a breakup is to simply accept being single. Michelle Elman points out in The Selfish Romantic that being single can be a time when we concentrate on our personal growth, careers, or loved ones. It can also be as varied an experience as being in a relationship. But many of us avoid it because we’re afraid of being alone. We should stop viewing our fear of loneliness as proof that we require a relationship. After all, people in relationships experience loneliness as well.

Elman highlights that we often dislike being alone because it allows us to hear our thoughts. To truly be OK on our own, we must recognize that our beliefs, ideas, and reflections have no effect on us unless we believe them. Thoughts aren't always true, so we should allow them to exist without fighting them. Retraining ourselves to talk compassionately to ourselves and show that we can not only sit in our loneliness but also honestly and sincerely feel it frees us from the fear and allows us to no longer carry it around with us.

Vivaldi’s masterpiece not only gave musical expression to each season of the year. I think he also captured the emotions we experience at various points in our love relationships. Some people are fortunate enough to experience lifelong love, like an endless summer. Others, on the other hand, may face harsh winters from time to time. "Human feelings are difficult to predict," said Vivaldi. This leads me to believe that we should be just as prepared to manage conflicts and move past frictions as we are to recover from the devastating loss of a breakup if it occurs. In the end, we never know whether life will bring us the joy of trilling birds, the peace of a warm sunset, the unpredictability of falling dry leaves, or the despair of shivering cold.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. April 8, 2023.

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