WIRED FOR DANGER

Are you a parent or having little children in your closer family? This is a must read for you.

Parents shape the nervous system of their children! They teach us, how to regulate our emotions, how to express ourselves in a healthy way. In most cases we turn 30, 40 or even 50, until we realise that we have a severe dissociation. Maybe you have no childhood memories and you have had thoughts that something “really bad” has happened to you and due to our very clever brain, the memory is repressed. That doesn′t necessarily has to be the case. Maybe you were “just” witnessing your parents in a constant, chronic state of fight or flight. Yelling at each other, maybe not talking, the non-verbal communication what you saw, made you feel unsafe.

I grew up in such an environment. My parents were not able to deal with their emotions. Sometimes they were in a great upbeat mood and very lovingly, other times, out of nowhere, they were yelling at me, punishing me or even shame me. Their inability to regulate their emotions, to communicate, or to self soothe left me in the same state as a child.

My hubby often make fun of me. He says, I even can hear the weeds growing. I can hear the tiniest bit of noise, overanalyse situations and being sensitive to the very minor things. That′s because I didn’t know in which mood my parents were, so I prepared myself to be ready. It′s a curse and blessing at the same time. Obviously it sucks to be so hyper-vigilant, but it also made me to who I am today. Very empathic and able to “walk in other persons shoes.

When we experience trauma, our body copes by becoming hyper-vigilant. The easiest way to describe this is that the body turns on its alarm 24/7 or at least a majority of the time in an attempt to protect us. Soldiers returning from war zones, often facing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the same happens to children growing up with emotionally immature parents.

When my parents were stressed or in constant overwhelm, they were shouting at me, out of the blue or trying to “teach” me in a non-lovingly way, that I should not do this or that. I take, that sometimes as a parent you can “loose your temper”, but the crucial point then is to explain or even apologize. My parents instead, didn′t even realise, they would actually speak to me like nothing happened. These situations leave us confused and teaching us slowly that people cannot be trusted. If parent’s behavior is unpredictable, children feel unsafe un a regular basis and they do not understand, why the most important person in their world is so scary.

In these moments they nervous system learn to watch every change in mood, every facial expression, every tone change. As a child, we do not understand, that our parents are just human beings, with their own trauma and insecurities to deal with. Our body just set us up in survival mode and try to keep us safe. The feeling of not being safe or not in control, is often triggered in totally safe situations, when we are adults. For example, if you're working on a project and something unpredictable happens, it can cause your stress levels to rise immediately and cause you to become inappropriately emotional. Your body doesn't know any better, it just follows the pattern created in your childhood.

Unfortunately, with this behavior, parents form our limiting beliefs. When we see our parents like this, we believe it has something to do with us. We form initial opinions about ourselves, such as "I'm not good enough", "I just need to be nicer, calmer...", "I'm not loveable", "I'm not worth it" and the list goes on and on continue on.

Luckily I had my grandma Luise, who gave me a very good lesson. She told me not to listen to what other people say about me, it's not the truth. That I'm a very special little girl. She planted that tiny seed of resilience that at least sometimes my nervous system would have a break and I could learn how to deal with stress.

Next time, when you are around with little children, be aware, what your actions may teach you.

I would like to finish with a poem from:

Khalil Gibran (1883-1931)

On Children

????Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

????They come through you but not from you,

????And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

?

????You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

???For they have their own thoughts.

????You may house their bodies but not their souls,

????For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

?

????You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

????For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

?

????You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

????The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His ??

????arrows may go swift and far.

????Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

????For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

If you want to read more articles, feel free to go on my blog page!