Winter Solstice

16 years ago today I got married on the Winter Solstice. I was married in the Salt Lake City Temple. The man performing the wedding- was not what I expected. He kept talking about promises we make before we come to earth- to find each other. The officiant didn't know us, and there was a lot of talk about magic for the religious ceremony I expected. He wove a story of promises from past lives and chance meetings in the earthly realms.

There was a snowstorm and not everyone could make it to our reception. The canyon was closed shortly after we drove through it. I remember expecting some sort of existential magical difference now that I was "married." John sang a song to me- The Luckiest by Ben Folds Five. I remember he was nervous - which was NOT like John.

I don't get many things right the first time

In fact, I am told that a lot

Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls

Brought me here

And where was I before the day

That I first saw your lovely face?

Now I see it everyday

And I know

That I am

I am

I am

The luckiest

What if I'd been born 50 years before you

In a house on a street where you lived?

Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike

Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes

I see one pair that I recognize

And I know

That I am

I am

I am

The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his 90's

And one day passed away in his sleep

And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days

And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong

That I know

That I am

I am

I am

The luckiest

The lyrics are still some of my favorite love songs. I expected something different though- it didn't quite feel real that I was married. I don't know what I was looking for. What magical part of myself would feel change now that I was married?

Life has certainly turned out more surreal than I expected that day. John passed away over 5 years ago, and I changed the Winter Solstice into our family birthday party with our 3 children. We bring flowers to the grave. We open presents.

Today is the shortest day of the year. 4:02 AM CST this morning represented a turning point for the seasons. Today Jupiter and Saturn will appear close enough in the sky to be one star. The last time this proximity happened was 1623. Historically, the solstice has been surrounded by rituals and celebrations, a turning point and symbol of hope and life.

This year I would like to ask for a present from everyone- support the changes we don't expect. The feeling we are looking for to right the injustices and loss.

Sharp Index is dedicated to reducing physician suicide and burnout. Part of that mission is making it possible for everyone to become a physician.

2020 has brought a lot of the issues that I care about to a boiling point. Physicians are being asked to put themselves in harm's way to care for patients. Racial tensions and disparities during a public pandemic have (hopefully) inspired real change.

I sat down with leaders like Shereese Maynard, MS, MBA to talk about investing in diversity and we decided to create a scholarship category for a student with a diverse background. We were looking for someone passionate about mental health and decreasing racism. To give funding to- to hire as a researcher. We didn't release a statement about racism, because I wanted to invest in learning more about how racism impacts the mission of Sharp Index. As a small nonprofit we didn't have the funding to invest as much as I wanted to. So I am asking for your help.

We found someone to award the 2020 scholarship. Medicine discriminates against students who don't have as much money- you have to pay for testing, for travel, for application, for LIFE. Improving the health of patients means making it possible for physicians to come from every economic and racial background.

Read about one of our Scholarship winners this year:

https://www.sharpindex.net/blog/tailor-foreman-how-this-med-student-conquered-her-depression-and-set-out-to-help-others

Her story is one of hope and determination.

Want to make a difference? Please consider donating for our scholarship winner.

Today can be a turning point. The anniversary of that winter solstice 16 years ago is not like others. Anniversaries feel more emotional after death, and it's always a bit strange to try to make space for my children and honor in John's memory. 2020 has shown how urgently we need changes. We need more support for health care workers, including physicians. We need more hope. 2020 feels strange, and I don't know what the future will be for health care.

It doesn't feel as magical as I expected. We are lucky to be here, and be alive.

Happy Winter Solstice.