Winning

We've all been there. You disagree with someone, and you're so focused on winning that you can't see straight.? We want to prove our point.

For much of my life, I was so fixated on being right and helping the other person see the "truth" with almost no awareness of where the other person might have been coming from and what damage might be done by my persistence.? Part of this was rooted in my competitive nature, but the more devious part was the misread that everyone wants to know my "truth." There have been situations where I learned the errors of my approach the hard way.

A few months back I subconsciously lost patience with a difficult conversation that was happening over and over again with no aligned outcome.? Someone stated a decision about an uncomfortable next step to a room of a dozen leaders.? Ten out of the twelve people in the room didn't say a word, and then I had this urgent compulsion to state that silence was not agreement. ? My self-righteous questioning felt like a criticism and wasn’t well received.

The person who made the statement felt called out, and my prodding led them to go on the offensive.? Instead of internalizing what may have been valid about what I said, they saw the problem was with me not being in agreement to make the hard decision.? Whether what they felt or their response was fair is beside the point.

I am responsible for how I learn and adapt.

I know through coaching that when an urgent compulsion shows up for me, there is a saboteur hijack happening so I have to find a way to slow down before proceeding.? When I get into the mental space of why can't anyone else see this, I am rooted in arrogance and am rarely effective in opening the other’s eyes.? There are a lot of good reasons even when I am "right" to keep it to myself.? It may not be worth it, they might not be ready to hear it, and I may very well be wrong.

I genuinely believe that I want to get it right more than I want to be right. When someone is willing to spar with me long enough, I can usually arrive at a logical and empathetic "right."

The cost on the relationship and in how people experience me where it just takes too much for me to see the light can be significant.? One of the hardest parts about this is that there is a significant part of me that comes alive in these nuanced discussions.? I love talking to people who provide a complicated, alternative perspective especially on topics that most people think are binary.

I have to know my audience because there are some, my wife being one, who do not enjoy interrogative discussion.? There are others who have been silenced for so long that debate prompts fury. Continued questioning can corrode relationships, especially when not balanced with support and validation and when not rooted in trust and safety.? You just feel beat up.

We can grow perspective while not causing harm by anchoring in curiosity and non-attachment.? A good coach will be able to do this as they explore with you.?

How can I better understand what's happening here?

Where is this person coming from?

Where are they right?

Where am I wrong?

When I keep coming back to these touchstones, I gain clarity without doing harm.

There are times when it is important to take a stand, and it is also important to choose those stands wisely.

Let's take a beat before we respond.

Listen, especially when we disagree.

Anticipate challenges and prepare to meet them.? A significant advantage of the PQ practice for me was starting each day looking ahead to where I might get hijacked, seeing the challenge, and envisioning success.??

The person is more important than winning. ? I am trying to remember that and hope you will too.