Winning is Good. Losing can be Better.
I’ve recently been coaching a friend through some interviews that he’s had to attend. He was in the running for a significantly bigger job at a new firm and wanted some help understanding the hiring process from a Talent Acquisition / HR perspective. He called me the other day to let me know he’d not been successful and said, “I knew it was a long shot but I really hate losing”. The language he used took me by surprise. He hadn’t actually lost anything - he still had his current job - he’d just not gained anything. Or more accurately, he didn’t feel as if he had. In actual fact he’d gained a lot; experience of preparing for and attending interviews, understanding any gaps or development needs that he had, and some great connections in a new company.....it just wasn’t the prize that he’d originally wanted.
This got me thinking about our complicated relationship with winning and losing, success and failure, and how our perceptions of an event can change everything. I was reminded of the famous Nelson Mandela quote: "I never lose. I either win or learn." Now, I love winning, and I don't believe anyone who says that they don't. In my life I've been lucky enough to have won many times, at many different things. However if I look back on those successes, the actual victory was just a fleeting moment: perhaps the presentation of an award after a tournament, some spontaneous applause or congratulations, maybe a promotion or new job at work, or possibly just some private self-satisfaction at something I’d done well. To be honest I struggle to recall all the details of those moments other than the generalised high of winning, before I started to come back down to earth and focus on the next thing.
"I never lose. I either win or learn."
The times I’ve lost, however, stay with me to this day. I’m not talking about small failures at insignificant things, I’m talking about the really big ones - the ones that can define you as a person if you let them. There is no pattern; they've occurred at work, in relationships, in plain sight and behind closed doors. Yet I can recall precisely where I was, what happened and how I felt; every single little detail is seared into my memory. Why is that? Why do the bad things take up so much more room in my brain than the good things? Going back to Mandela, I think it’s because I’ve learned so much more from them. I’ve accepted responsibility and used the failure as a means to improve. These moments are burned into my brain as a reminder to be better.
There is an interesting article in Forbes about how US Special Operations consistently find top talent. In the article they reference Tracy Keogh, the Chief HR Officer at HP, who said, “I don’t want people who haven’t failed.” The authors go on to argue that people who haven’t failed haven’t been challenged enough, aren’t being authentic, or aren’t being truthful. Sometimes someone failed because they’re too cautious. They pose the question that if somebody avoids risk altogether, how are they going to push the organisation forward? They talk about seeing the upside of risk, not the downside.
“I don’t want people who haven’t failed.”
The problem is that learning to embrace risk will, inevitably, lead to some failures. However it’s what happens when that occurs that is key. How do you react to failure? How do you learn and regroup? When failure or loss happens, it’s a moment of choice, or as Isabella Huffington calls it in her book, Map to the Unknown, “a fork in the road. One fork is to go into despair and cynicism and raging at the universe.....or you can choose the other fork: starting the journey to finding deeper meaning in even the most senseless events in your life.” It’s important to note that there is nothing wrong with experiencing anger, denial, etc.; on the contrary they can actually be incredibly useful as 'circuit-breakers' to stop you feeling weak or helpless. However they can also distract you from the choice; the emotions must be managed rather than suppressed or let loose. Accept that the feelings exist, experience them, then move forward. As Ariana Huffington notes in her recent post, “the key part of resilience isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about bouncing forward. It’s about using adversity as a catalyst to get better and become stronger.”
I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts during the various lockdowns and restrictions we've had this year; my particular favourites at the moment are How to Fail with Elizabeth Day, and The High Performance Podcast with Jake Humphrey and Damian Hughes. Both are a celebration of achievement, but from very different angles. The former looks at what didn’t go right, while the latter looks at the non-negotiable behaviours people employ to get to the top....however both emphasise the importance of having the courage to take responsibility for what happens in your life.
"resilience isn’t about bouncing back, it’s about bouncing forward."
If I think back to my various personal and professional failures, some of them have been excruciatingly public and painful....but I somehow managed to find the courage to face them. I was able to say “OK, it happened. Why did it happen and what can I learn from it?” I’d like to think that in each case I’ve understood a bit more about myself and been able to, over time, view the experience in a more positive light. I’ve been able to make adjustments in my behaviour or attitude, fill gaps in my knowledge or skills, and generally become a better version of my previous self. I’ve learned and I’ve grown.
So, back to my lawyer friend. I hear you mate, I hate losing too. However there is nothing wrong with it....if it teaches you something. Remember the words of Rudyard Kipling from his poem If: “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two imposters just the same”. I’ll happily take a few disasters every now and then if it’ll make me better and lead to more triumph.