Be a winner without raising your voice, losing self-control or coming to a blow

This write-up has been a great learning experience for me (referenced from Book – ‘How to win any argument’ by Robert Mayer) facts experimented for past three years in real life scenario before agreeing and penning down the same here with the hope that this will definitely help others as well.

Often an argument with our colleague, family member and others leave us convinced that the other side had a closed mind with either side putting up the same tired arguments, resisting new facts and information, raising voice and losing cool, overgeneralizing differences, saying, “You always…,” “You only…,” or “You never…,” while each side digs in to defend his/her position. Each side withholding or distorting the information chosen relying on gut instincts and premonitions, changing from being stubbornly right to being adamantly righteous.

Resisting change because we are committed to the status quo…or because in our minds there is a justification that supports our position…or because we are attached to what is comfortable and familiar…or because our good judgement is on the line. And why not? It’s always easier to take a stand than understand. So too, it’s easier to decide against, than to decide for.

Winning isn’t about pushy pitches, dolling up your ideas with rouge and rhinestones, or having a gift of the gab. The winning way is to get a grip, to construct a Consent Zone, to Link, to Lead with bulletproof reasoning and to Cinch Consent to trigger action.

1.      Get a grip to gain self- control

“Mastering others requires force. Mastering the self needs strength.”- The Tao Te Ching

Controlling an argument begins by controlling how you will be. Self-command calls for an inner strength that can flow a still center. A still center empowers you to get out of your own way.

Imagine within you there’s an oasis of inner calm and a dimension of detached awareness that makes it possible to see things from the vantage of a player on the field as well as an observer on the sidelines.

• Imagine having the power to be aware of how you feel (I feel hostile because….; I feel angry because…)
• Imagine having the power to respond rather than react. When you react, the event controls you. When you respond, you are in control. How you choose to perceive the situation will often determine its outcome.
• Imagine having the power to be aware of the risks and consequences of giving way to your impulses (If I give in to my impulses, then what will probably happen is…)
• Imagine having the power to control your anger and emotions. To be aware of your gut impulses (What he is saying makes me want to …). To be able to lower your voice as others are raising theirs.
• Imagine having the power to separate what is important from what is urgent. The power to pause. To observe. To absorb before acting. To be aware of alternative solutions and their benefits (The best thing would be for me to…).

    “Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing the self is enlightenment.”- The Tao Te Ching

  Seven Ways a Still Center Keeps You From Getting in Your Own Way

• You get in your own way when you’re acting under the influence(AUI)
• You get in your own way when you see things the way you want them to be
• You get in your own way when you color the world with your expectations
• You get in your own way when you conclude facts from your assumptions
• You get in your own way when you’re convinced that you ‘know what you know’
• You get in your own way when you’re influenced by head-turning tie-ins (that may not be rational, consequential or relevant)
• You get in your own way when you’re too stubborn to let go of the peanut. Your judgement is clouded when your argument becomes a personal war of wills.

If you have read the story of ‘Six Blind Men and An Elephant’ you will know when I say we must keep in mind that the other person and I have different frames of reference, different experiences, different ways of looking at things, different values, different perspectives and in all likelihood, you will use different words to say the same thing. When you’re aware, you don’t just look – you see. You don’t just listen- you hear. When you “see” and “hear”, you’re in complete attendance. A still center empowers you to be in complete attendance – to be truly aware and to truly hear.

2.      Construct a Consent Zone because you need to manage emotions, not avoid them to set the tone and mood for no-blows argument to elicit change without eliciting defensiveness. Where you’ll manage other person’s emotions before they reach a flash point or become polarized or ideas become crystallized from having been vigorously defended.

 Trust me Corporate people play games. Often to prove their points against you they will form a preplanned action plan party- where they will try and highlight an aspect of yours in negative manner coming from varied sources to make it seem very real to all especially your boss. Psychology also states that when often one word is repeatedly stated to you in varied ways you start believing it and make it also part of your character. Thus, you need to be very careful about what comments you accept or you state about others. Unknowingly you could be a part of destroying someone’s life or creating it as well. It’s better to be the latter than former.

Six Common Consent Zone Mistakes or Alerts to be conscious of are:

• Don’t complain or sulk- (You’re unfair/ you’re not reasonable)
• Don’t look back – focus your argument on how something is to be done rather than on why it wasn’t done that way before. Suggesting possible solutions is an issue-management technique that moves the focus of an argument from having to justify your complaint to your proposed remedy.
• Don’t judge other people’s actions or thoughts – Judgmental words like wrong, crazy, bad, foolhardy- will only make a person defensive and resistant
• Don’t ask, “What is your problem?”- this makes the other person feel inadequate or lacking
• Don’t ask, “Why cant you be reasonable?”- It only invites conflict
• Don’t maneuver someone into a corner by pointing out discrepancies, proving him to be a liar

How to construct the consent zone?

• Always remember choosing the right horse for the right course minimizes resistance and maximizes receptiveness
• Winners are never know-it-alls or tell-it-alls. They set a winning climate
• They’re enthusiastic because enthusiasm is contagious.
• They show appreciation for the things the other person says and does
• They manage emotions by finessing hostility and making tactical apologies

3.      Link inside the consent zone because you need things to feel right so a person will want to follow your lead. Arguments presented logically won’t move someone emotionally. It’s not enough that what you say sounds right. It must also feel right to the other person. Feeling right is about how you are rather than how things are. Things feel right when one finds comfort and credibility in what you say and do – when there’s trust that you’re not just “selling a bill good.”

When you argue you’re seeking change. Change means movement. Movement means friction. As things begin to feel right, friction fades and a link-to-lead bond emerges.

4.      Lead inside the consent zone: Leading before making your logic argument is very important to get your desired outcome.

• Create interest in what you have to say otherwise your argument won’t be heard
• Call on comparison power because everything you say or suggest is relative.
• It’s not enough that the other guy feels you’re credible. What you say has to sound credible; should be precise; when you call on the power of ‘who else says so’; the power of ‘if I can, you can too’; and the power of appearing to be in the know.
• Lead with a story. Stories are easily understood, memorable and compelling.
• In the consent zone, the other person will find comfort and guidance in following your lead.
• Everyone needs to be able to comfortably backpedal from their previously heels-dug-in position. The New Revelation Tactic does just that.

5.      Create a bulletproof argument: It’s not enough that what you say feels right. It must also sound right. “Feeling right” is an emotional thing. “Sounding right” is a logic thing. Logic is both truth and fiction. Reality and illusion. Magic and mystery. What seems logical to me may not seem logical to you. Logic doesn’t exist in the abstract, but in the eye of the logician.

“Logic is in the eye of the logician.” – Gloria Steinem

Craft a core argument – you have facts and analysis, now ask yourself what do I conclude from all of this? Once you reach your conclusion ask yourself- what do I conclude from that conclusion? By repeating this process several times, you will strip away all superfluous data, leaving only your core argument. Being able to accurately simplify your thoughts is an intellectual achievement.

Getting others to buy into your logic begins with crafting a clear, concise core argument. To uncover your core argument force yourself to repeatedly pare away the extraneous until all that’s left passes the Business Card Test. 5 logic tricks for crafting a bulletproof core argument:

• Craft a core argument by showing an if/then correlation
• Craft a core argument by expanding the realm of the possible
• Craft a core argument by redefining the issue
• Craft a core argument by redefining elements of the issue
• Craft a core argument by redefining the scope of the issue.

Support your core argument with 3 portable points – People think in patterns of three. Break the pattern’s expectation and you’ll get your punch- and hopefully some laughs. Write down the three main points that support your core argument – reasons why the other person should buy into your core argument. To maximize impact, ask yourself: What do I know? What do they know? What do they need to know? Three points out of all the possibilities that you would like the other person to take home.

• With more than three points, the important and unimportant soon meld into a brain-deadening blur. With less than three points, your logic may appear flimsy and lacking. But logic with three supporting points discourages rebuttal and takes on powerful clarity.
• Make complex points simple- Break up the complex point into steps, phases or sections. Play your points by the numbers. Immediately after presenting an individual part, explain why it is important. The result is a powerful layered effect.

Getting others to buy into your logic isn’t about sandbagging them with every point you can think of. It’s about creating a crystal-clear core argument supported by three numbered portable points.

Logic’s 3 biggest traps

• Illustrations are not proof – It’s risky to dwell on any one example. When you don’t have conclusive proof, use an assortment of short, simple examples to back up your conclusions
• Common knowledge is not evidentiary- all it takes to refute the statement “ Everyone knows…” is to name one person who doesn’t know.
• The general is not powerful – it’s the specific that empowers others to envision what you envision. To be concerned about what concerns you.

6.      Know what to say, when to say it and what not to say – You have choices: what to say, when to say and what not to say. Some choices may work in the short-run but be detrimental in the long run. Other choices may be counterproductive from their very outset.

7.      Assemble an arsenal of magic words and phrases – Call upon words and phrases to zoom your argument from flabby and ho-hum dull to captivating and compelling. It’s easy. Abandon the anemic, the rote, the stilted and the stuffy. Power-uppers jazz up your basic-wrap argument.

• Craft analogies – “ the companies that succeed will be the ones that make their ideas real…that employ great metaphors and analogies to define their business and tell their stories.” – Scott McNealy, CoFounder of Sun Microsystems
• Impact with intensifiers – intensifiers are descriptive words that create visual images – attention-garnering snapshots that pique interest, making listeners and readers want to learn more.
• Tantalize with the unexpected – Retire the lame and overworked. Trash the trite. Make what’s old seem fresh. Where do you find words that snap and sparkle? Take a look at billboard and magazine ads. Which words grab you? Which words make you want to learn more? Which words make you smile?
• Replace dull numbers with grabbers – Logic can be dull. Look how numbing, dry statistics can become grabbers – attention-getters that are understood, dramatic and remembered.
• Call upon persuasion-speak words – Choosing the right words is a powerful logic tool. But get too carried away and you’ll lose credibility. Argument pros are wordsmiths. Don’t call it as you see it. Call it as you want the other guy to see it. The words and names you choose will impact how the other person feels about the project he/she is spending hours working on.
• Craft persuasion-speak labels -Be a label-smith. Craft labels that will prompt others to think what you think and see what you want them to see.
• Self – persuasion plays make the person feel you’re working with her, side by side, affecting and being affected. A self-persuasion argument produces long-term relationship- enhancing results. Self-persuasion strategies are:

-With a still center, consider the relationship at stake

-Use “I feel” statements to express how you feel and what you want

-Tell the person that your disagreement is with what she does, not who she is

-If a solution can’t be reached, let the person know that she’s leaving you no choice other than to lay down rules

-If the person is willing to work harder, motivate her with praise

-If the person isn’t willing to work harder, firmly assert your position

• Cross – Cultural Persuasion – spend time sensitizing yourself to the other person’s deep-rooted cultural tendencies.

-There are cultural differences as to what time is about and what it means – monochronic or polychronic

-Style is linear or circular

-How do they make decisions? – collectivism or individualism

-Who makes the decision? – High-power distance or low-power distance

-Are they uncertainty -adverse or uncertainty tolerant?

-Are you ready to hear what they do not say? High context culture/ low-context culture

Highlight key concepts. Bring clarity to your argument. Zoom your points home, making them memorable and easily shared. People who feel they’re being talked into something can’t be influenced.

8.      Craft surgical strike questions – Its’s how questions are asked, rather than statements made to win arguments. It’s what argument pros call slow squeezing.

“You won’t help shoots grow by pulling them higher.” – Chinese Proverb.

Surgical strike questions cause the other guy to see for himself why it makes sense to see or do it your way.

9.      Cinch consent – People act and react in highly predictable ways as they quest to satisfy their subconscious and conscious emotional needs. Emotional needs to:

• Take advantage of fleeting opportunity
• Have what is hard to come by
• Return favors for favors
• Fulfill aspirations
• Do what’s new and happening
• Satisfy self-image
• Be recognized by others for who we are and what we do
• Achieve social norms

Tendency Action Plans (TAP) trigger and stimulate those emotional needs. Cinch consent by directing the other person to your desired outcome as a way of his satisfying the needs you’ve triggered. With linkage and logic in place, it’s time to be specific about what it is you want the other person to do, think or see. That should be your argument’s call for action.

10.  Throw a Hail Mary – Not every argument will be guide-path smooth. There will be days filled with frustrating go-nowhere dead ends and exasperating drop-offs. It’s never over until it’s over. When you’re able to hang-in, you can explore imaginative approaches and pose surgical strike questions, artfully maneuver your way through the mind-fields. A game you can sidestep by arguing for an approach rather than a position.

?   If there is a Deadlock - Six sure-fire, fast-acting, deadlock-busting approaches can be used in a variety of situations and ways.

·      Deadlock Buster 1 – Take the help of a third party mediator

·      Deadlock Buster 2 – If cant agree on who gets which set of choices, a flip of the coin would decide

·      Deadlock Buster 3- Often called Baseball- This approach encourages both sides to be reasonable in the formulation of their final offers.

·      Deadlock Buster 4 – Often called Golf – This approach encourages a neutral person to state what is fairest figure. This is not disclosed to any of the parties in deadlock where both are encouraged to state their response. Whosoever is closest to the neutral person’s stated answer is considered.

·      Deadlock Buster 5 – Deciding person sets parameters realistic and fair to either side. If the role of the deciding person is unacceptable then the flip of the coin would be determinative.

·      Deadlock Buster 6 – When there are two parties where one is stronger while the weaker person feels that s/he may lose due to lack of knowledge on the particular subject. In this situation the stronger party should be allowed to select two and from among those two the weaker party can select one.

? Change to a friendlier level of authority – Each level of authority has people who have their own needs for achievement, self-worth and security. Each level has different individual roles to play out and different constituencies to court.

? Rejection – It is a response to something you or someone else has said or done. Sometimes the response to your argument will be one word: No; which means the arguing back-and-forth is shut. It is a negative response but good news is that response means lines of communication is still open. Rejection is reactive. Remove what’s causing the other person to reject your idea and you’ve eliminated the problem

? You run through a Stonewall – Stonewalls are often built because of the other person’s negative expectations. Manage those expectations by telling her what she expects, wants and needs to hear and then if possible, take action that is contrary to those expectations. Stonewalls have doors that can be unlocked when you have the five keys to making that rock talk using probing questions (designed to flesh out the concerns and motivator buttons of people who are otherwise unwilling to open up). The keys ensure you neither prompt an argument nor appear confrontational, probing questions should be asked with a still center in a sincere, unhurried manner.

·      Key 1- Questions that aren’t questions (Paraphrasing what is said which appears like a probing question)

·      Key 2 – What not why (Why elicits a general because response. What produces a more specific response that better reveals true needs and interests)

·      Key 3 – What if? (What if questions pose soft-touch hypothetical possibilities. They aren’t offers to be accepted or rejected, but rather questions to be answered. What if questions stimulate conversation while also supplying new information and insight into the other person’s interests and goals.)

·      Key 4 – Statement questions – Too many probing questions can make even a friendliest dialogue sound like an inquisition. Statement questions are probing questions disguised as statements. With some luck, the right lighting and a little makeup, they’ll not be recognized for what they really are.

·      Key 5 – What will it take to convince you?

? Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR)- It is about you having choices. You have the choice to participate in one of the ADR processes. You have the choice who will serve as the mediator, arbitrator or case manager. Unlike court litigation, nothing happens unless you choose for it to happen.

What if Hail Mary pass doesn’t work? I learned a long time ago that there is no sense to keep arguing with someone who hasn’t any sense. And you can call that game – Hardball. But never slam the door closed- you may want to try opening it again.

11.  Win the war of words in writing – It takes time and effort to write a winning argument. But writing may be your only way. Or your best way because of geographic distance, impossible personalities or complex issues. Reports, Memos, Letters – putting your thoughts in writing enables your reader to reread, to absorb and to understand – luxuries listeners don’t have. We write hoping that we’ll be read. But you never really know if you’ll be read or if the reading will be anything more than a fleeting light, once-over or whether you’ll even be understood. A writing doesn’t provide in-person feedback. So, what should you do? For each instance, strategize your alternatives.

12.  Win the war of the words on the telephone – better off not making an argument over phone. However, if it still does then follow the 11 tips:

• Keep it short and simple
• Create mental pictures
• You have the right to remain silent
• Try conversational harmony
• Keep your tone of voice in check
• Be patient
• Show you’re listening
• Use the 1-2-3 technique (count 3 before responding to control yourself)
• Don’t feel rushed
• Be in control (Sometimes calling back is better than taking an incoming call)
• Sum it all up

13.  Win the war of words at a meeting – Arguing at a meeting requires having what the pros call a “Meeting Mentality”.

?   Put a winning move into play before the meeting even begins.

• The more people you know at the meeting, the more confident you will be when you make your argument
• People who talk more are perceived as leaders
• People who contribute early are more likely to have the most influence
• Your points will be better understood if you ask questions
• Your argument – no matter how great it is- is bound to meet resistance
• Interrupting to correct an inaccuracy or make your argument will only make things worse
• Control is lost when you wait for others to take the first shot

?   If you’re chairing the meeting, choreograph an outcome that will be to your liking

• Make sure the meeting is necessary
• Limit the number of attendees
• Build a Consent Zone
• Know the importance of setting
• Keep it short and to the point
• Know your goals
• Keep on track
• State objections early
• Show you’re listening
• Vote early and often

? Heavy Metal Moves – When resolving conflicts, sometimes you’ll need skills from the dark side – skills known as Heavy Metal. People are chronically human. When they’re thrown off balance they’ll grant concessions to extricate themselves from an uncomfortable situation. In granting those concessions, they’ll be guided by their emotions rather than by their sense of reason. The fact that Heavy Metal moves produces anxiety, tension, discomfort, stress or pressure. Some such moves are:

• Convert molehills into mountains
• Be a power sapper
• Manipulate expectations
• Be a pile driver
• Go theatrical
• Make them feel desperate
• Make them invest in you
• Auction action
• Bluff
• Build a wall-of-flesh
• Fail accompli
• Call in the missing man
• It’s our policy
• Do an about-face
• Turbocharge
• Make an evaporating offer
• Drag your feet
• The uncertainty effects
• Create scarcity
• Threaten away

No matter who you are, what you do, whatever the situation, there are bound to be arguments. Each of us has aggravations, problems, frustrations. Each of our lives is made up of peaks and valleys, twists and turns. Our challenges are different from the old ones. Conversations are tougher, disagreements are more frequent. Conflicts are more trying. All too often, it’s the guy who has a “do it my way” style that gets his way. Just as conflict is an inescapable part of the human condition, so too is deception. Our deceptions are tolerated when they aren’t destructive and when they help reach a result that is not exploitive.

There will be days when you’ll play hopscotch with unicorns. Days you’ll play Tokyo to your boss’s Godzilla. What makes us different from each other is how we walk the valleys, how we maneuver the turns, how we carry the load. You cannot always control the conflict, but, with a still center, you can always control your reaction to it.

When I did my Landmark Forum I realized that all personal arguments are often a result of rackets created by us based on what’s happened and the story built around it which keeps getting spiced up with every act done by the opposite party after a particular incident that caused the story to be created in the first place. Easiest way to get out of it is to break the story cycle from being formed. But in corporate world you cannot avoid arguments.

“If you haven’t fought with each other, you do not know each other.” – Chinese Proverb