"WIFE-SPEAK"

Kathy & I have been married since 1985 and I find that I’m beginning to be able to translate “wife-speak”. Note I said “beginning”, lest you think I am some sort of genius polyglot. No such luck! I thought I might relate a couple of successful translations so as to bring hope to the millions of harried husbands who are pulling their hair out wondering “WHAT DOES SHE WANT?!?!?” It may be the leading cause of male baldness, after all.

Many linguists will tell you that Icelandic is the hardest language in the world to learn. That’s open to debate, for sure. Some might say Mandarin; others might point out that Navajo presents a hefty challenge. If you are familiar with the "Windtalkers" story from World War II, then you know what I am talking about. I‘m certain that the idea of the hardest language to translate is a hot topic when linguists gather. However, I would assert that understanding and translating wife-speak enters a realm that goes far above and beyond any known form of verbal communication. Any husband can tell you that. Newlywed husbands will surely find out in short order. But I digress.???

When Kathy and I married in 1985, I thought I was doing pretty well. I quickly came to understand that when we would talk on Friday afternoon and discuss dinner that night, she was not inquiring as to what was on the menu. She was really asking “where are you taking me for dinner tonight?” It took me a few months to deduce that I also needed to remember what her favorite places were. I found I got extra points if I correctly guessed what she had a yen for that particular evening. She generally prefers Mexican now. Chinese (pepper steak) was her menu choice early on in our marriage. Chili was her fave when she was pregnant. I finally did learn to be proactive-especially on Friday afternoons. I would call her and ask “Wanna go to Joe’s tonight?”?Over time I thought - note I say I THOUGHT - I got pretty good at it.

There's a fundamental problem in translating wife-speak. The subtle nuances of the code can be entirely different depending on so many differing factors and variables. What a term means today may be the opposite tomorrow. And there’s no guidebook, either. Wives don’t have to hide the book; the language is indigenous as well as innate to the female species. I’m pleased to say there is hope, gentlemen. I scored a couple of translation victories some time ago, and I thought I would share them.??

A couple of years ago, Kathy woke up with a bad headache. She happened to have a doctor’s appointment that day anyway, so she asked me to drive her. Since “I’m retired and don’t do anything all day but sit on the couch and watch old movies” I could drive her. So, when it was time to go… “Um…you gonna wear that shirt?” she asked. I was wearing my favorite t-shirt – my pride and joy, actually. It’s brown with big yellow letters emblazoned the front: “YOUR VILLAGE CALLED THEIR IDIOT IS MISSING”.?It‘s clean with no stains or holes in it, thank you very much. Now ordinarily I would have grumbled and complained, and voiced my opinion. After all, I have a DMin degree, so I should be able to pick out my own clothes. But I quickly concluded that what she was telling me was that my favorite T-shirt would be quite the fashion gaffe for the waiting room, so I had better go change. Every once in a great while there are times you don’t have to hit me over the head with a brick wall. Not often, but it happens…

Riffling thru my t-shirts, I decided against my other favorite T-shirt that says “I IS A KOLLEG STOODNT”. I finally opted for a nice button down shirt. No holes, no stains, clean. Apparently, button down shirts meet the strict fashion requirements for the waiting room at the doctor’s office. “You look nice in that shirt”, she said. It occurred to me that I had successfully translated wife-speak! WOW! Flush with my newly found linguistic expertise, I asked Kathy for her evaluation of how I had translated her wife-speak. “Pretty good, eh?” (I can be quite the adroit wordsmith). “Nah – way too easy” she responded.?Despite her stinging rebuke, I reasoned that she wasn’t feeling well, so I cut her some slack.??

We arrived at the Doctor’s office and I realized that she had indeed been correct – my T-shirt would have violated the strict fashion norms of the waiting room. I noticed that a couple of “fashion offenders” are totally nonplussed at their obvious lack of “waiting-room-attire-etiquette”. I was tempted to educate them as to the error of their ways, but I decided that for once I would leave my “wisdom” in my head. It seemed prudent to be content let ’em think how brilliant I am before I open my big fat mouth and, well, you know…

An hour passes by and her appointment is over.?On the way home, Kathy remarked: “I’m thirsty”.?AH-HA!!! Quick as a flash, my “mental-wife-speak-enigma-mechanism-translation-apparatus” kicked in and I realized what this meant: She wanted me to stop and get her a cold drink!?Hey! I was REALLY getting this!?I replied suavely: “there’s a store up ahead – I’ll stop.” “OK”, she said.?I stopped and got her a cold lemon water – her favorite. “Thank you – that was nice” she said. Another success! Two in one day!?

On our way home she remarks that her headache has subsided. Apparently, my newly found linguistic skills have pharmaceutical healing qualities I wasn’t aware of! Perhaps the New England Journal of Medicine will be interested in my observation. I might even get to make a presentation at the next AMA convention! Money! Fame! Oprah! A movie deal! Who knows where this could lead?!?!?

As we’re on the road she asks: “What’s for lunch?” I responded: “What’s in the fridge?”... right as we’re passing by one of her favorite places. Alas, I obviously have a long way to go…?

Blessings all... until next time...

Rev. Dr. N. Patrick Marica contributes incisive Christian commentary on this blog on a regular basis. He is the Vice-Chancellor of Amherst Theological Seminary. He has also been the Director of Godly Training Ministries for over 25 years. He is the author of the book: "The Walk Applied" as well as “The Walk Applied Fasting and Prayer Handbook”.?

He has been married to Kathy since 1985; they have 2 adult daughters and 1 adult son. Please feel free to comment below.

Contact Nick: [email protected]?or www.amherstseminary.org

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