Wife asked husband to pay $50k-$100k to have their child. Should he #PayUp?
We need to talk about… compensating moms
So, my Instagram comments are ?? right now all because of this Reddit post from a husband [M34] seeking advice after his wife [F29] proposed a payment plan to compensate her $50k - $100k for having their first child. Some background info: while not legally married, they split their finances 50/50. Both earn over $175k a year after taxes. The wife’s workplace offers up to a year of maternity leave, but only covers 50% of her salary for up to 6 months. From months 6-12, no pay is covered.
“Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it and I am not, given that our finances are separate. She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, listed some things that her insurance may not cover.
I see the logic in that, but I am really very turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child (or children?).”
She saw my hesitation and just doubled down. While her ideal is to return to work after 6 months, she says it's a real possibility that she may require more time off and decide, as things happen, to take up to a year off. So, she had another plan drafted for that. For the first 6 months, her work will give her 50% of her salary, and I would compensate her for the rest, but for the next 6 months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is "comfortable splitting the loss of her income", and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second 6 month period, and she will take the loss of 50% of her salary. The idea I guess is that both of us "suffer" half the loss of income for the second 6 month period. However, if she takes 7 to 11 months off, any months after the 6th can be prorated.
She expressed that she anticipates and hopes to return to work in 6 months, but that she wants a contingency plan in the event that she requires a year off. She said that taking more than a year off is something she is very unlikely to do as it would put her job at risk, but that she's open to exploring a third plan with me if I feel that it's necessary.
There are also detailed notes about how she wants to keep housework split, with plans to start saving for both childcare and additional housekeeper expenses for at least the first four years. I kid you not, it's a 16 page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and lists of expenses.
But the immediate and essential element here is that, she wants me to pay her $50,000 - $100,000 to compensate for the loss of her salary for 6-12 months as a result of her having our child.
I really do not know how to process this. My first thought is shock, because, despite our salaries, $50k-$100k is a lot to demand. The idea of a payment plan to have a child is just gross. And many couples manage to do this without paying their wives to have children. But then, I suppose most couples are married legally and a loss to one person's income is a loss to everyone. So in our situation, it makes logical sense, but there's something so transactional about it that puts a bad taste in my mouth.
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I didn't fight it or argue, and she's basically allowing me to think about it, but says if having kids is something we're going to do, she wants to write up an agreement and go to a lawyer (splitting the cost of that is ALSO in the binder).”
So, what do you think? Does he need to pay up???
Mom hero/ally of the week
Back in March 2021, LinkedIn announced it had introduced several new caregiving and parenting job titles, including “stay-at-home mom,” to provide a more accurate description of time away from the paid labor force. They also removed the requirement that resume entries need to be linked to a specific company or employer (i.e. stay-at-home mom or dad wouldn’t need an employer attached to it). These changes came in response to one mom’s viral Medium post (shout-out to Heather Bolen!).
Well now, they’ve added a new feature to explain “career breaks” in an experience section of your LinkedIn profile, whether it was taken for full-time parenting, bereavement, caregiving, a gap year, layoff, or other life needs or experiences, they explained. And once again, it happened because of moms speaking out. “We’ve heard from our members, including 68% of women, who’ve said they wanted more ways to positively represent their career breaks by highlighting skills learned and experiences they had during a work pause,” LinkedIn’s Jennifer Shappley noted.
I love seeing tech companies like LinkedIn do their part to normalize mothering and caregiving as work. It’s these kinds of stories that show the culture is truly shifting. So stay loud. Keep speaking up (because it’s working).
What can you do this week to change the future of moms and work?
Until next week,
Reshma
Company Owner @ New World Counseling, LLC | Aaswb, Play Therapy
1 个月Almost too late for me. I so needed this when in the position. My entire path has been affected by my generational place in history and the lack of recognition paid towards this issue as well as the devaluation of mother’s roles and the inherent hypocrisy embedded in society’s expectations.
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6 个月Surrogates get paid around what she is asking. If he don't wanna pay her then might as well pay someone else to do it. I think her logic makes sense... Id pay my husband to have my kids ?? surrogates get paid around 2.5k to get a cesarian section, $700 in clothes, paid to go to the doctor, paid around $300 a week to pump milk. About 40k in total minimum....
Executive Director at Coach's Dream Foundation
1 年I think the issue most people have with it is that, especially when it comes to having children, they're expecting a woman to think from an emotional perspective instead of a logical perspective with the emotional component removed for the purpose of said discussion. I think the woman laid out a logical, well thought out plan based on reality instead of the emotion of we'll figure it out as we go and everything will work out the way a lot of people approach having children. While I am a very logic oriented person and think what she created is well thought and brilliant, I don't think I could have even conceived that such a plan and contract was available, let alone a viable solution. My mouth literally dropped open at her genius, audacity, and comprehension of what lies ahead, while at the same time the part of me that was taught you have to have and do it all while ignoring anything within yourself telling you otherwise, I kept thinking I could never have done this with the mindset I had before children. Now, I don't know, but I still think she's brilliant.
Business Development, Strategic Operations, and BIM
2 年Sounds like she has her mind in the right place, marriage and children should be a joint effort. if one part is not willing to put in the effort (physically, financially, etc) then i don't see why she shouldn't be compensated. i would like to know why the father doesn't just add that he will also participate in raising the child and take time off from his work and things like that to create a balanced home for the child? Why is if that the father just pays his way out? I spend every minute i get raising my kids supporting both physically, emotionally and financially... i don't see why others can't do that.
Tell her you will place in an irrevocable trust. Set conditions that would be initiated either by the child turns 25, or a condition that release to funds to her, fby the childs attorney when it is established by the need, that will be documented upon the the funding of the agreement. There are three reasons why your wife is requesting the money. First, she a nut job that only cares about herself. The second is you’re a nut job , and the likely hood of you being a committed farther is in question. The third is that she really cares about the child’s best interests. If the reason is anything but the later, than call your lawyer and take the first train out of Dodge. If the reason is the later, then still call that lawyer and either pony up with the cash, get on that train and head to a new territory.In ether case, this is clearly a WTF example of the Darwinian theory of evolution.